Jenni's Journeys #6

Merry Christmas! I know I haven't been writing very much lately. Busyness + lack of ability to sort out thoughts=that. But here is a video. :-)

oh so tired, but it's worth it

Things have been BUSY around here.

We've had an outreach team from Bulgaria stay with us a few times as they've been traveling in/between Georgia and Armenia, and they were just here for 3 more days...and left this morning.

But before they even left, an Korean DTS outreach team (from Oregon) came early this morning. So Ira and I were up at 6:00 am welcoming people and helping others get ready to leave and...yeah!

And when the Bulgarian DTS left for the bus station, and the Korean DTS left to take care of some business downtown, I was in Vazi ALONE. Can you believe it? It's been a very long time since I've been totally alone (not that I necessarily dislike people, but it's just nice after intense activity!). So, I cleaned and it was just really good.

Then Nino Deda, she's the manager of Vazi (where I live), came and we talked about life and Jesus and the future. And purpose. She's going to be a student in our DTS, but she seriously is like MY teacher!

And I just went and got a copy of my passport (I'm working on my documents for my one-year visa), picked up some pants from the tailor and ate some khatchapuri. And I am really really tired now, as I sit in a dark room (one of the Korean ladies is staying in our room, and she's sleeping), with a full stomach. Oy mey. SO tired.

But I'm learning. Pushing on. I'm glad to be here. I really love Georgia.

With some of the Bulgarian DTS!

lari --> $

The exchange rate right now is, 1.62 GEL (Georgian Lari) =$1 USD. So, the lady wanted $74 for the coat at first, and then changed her mind to about $50. Just so you know (someone asked)!

(If you don't know what I'm talking about, read the post right underneath this one!)

:-)

randomosity

I am so tired right now, but I thought I would write you all a little something.

Did you know that I started to knit? Yup, that's right. Today at the School of Tomorrow (where we teach our conversational English classes), during the break times, Ira and I just sat in our room and knitted. I felt babushka-like (grandmother-like). But you know, I like it. :-)

Speaking of the School of Tomorrow. I left my cell phone there today too! But I think it will be safe and sound until tomorrow.

What else...OH! We had our first snow in Tbilisi on Friday, so like 3 days ago (?), and it was pretty cool. It didn't stick though, just turned into water and mud...but it was still kind of pretty.

I think I'm forgetting English. Today, Ira and I were walking and she said something about "potentinal energy" and I was like, "oh yeah (blah blah blah)"...and THEN I realized that "potentinal" isn't even a word.

And the other day at the "bazroba" (the bazaar/market) I was looking to buy a coat, so we were going from place to place looking and asking for prices. And this one lady saw that I was a foreigner (I think she heard us talking in English) and we asked how much this one coat cost and she was like "120 lari". 120 lari!! Yeah right, it's like way too expensive. So my face made that shocked looked and I was like, "Dzviria!! (it's expensive)" and we ran off to the next place. But the lady yelled after us, "gogoebo (girls!!) 80 lari, 80 lari!!!" So, I guess that's the Georgian way of doing things. Take note of this if you ever want to come to Georgia and buy a coat.

:-)

Okay, Vsio (that's all).

Jenni's Journeys #5

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Not to be totally switched from the sort of down post that I wrote yesterday, but here we are! I really am sending my love to you!

--- I ---

I want to write a lot! Of interesting things. Of "spiritual" things. Of something. But to pour something out, you have to first put something in. I think that's a pretty basic law of living. Not that I'm totally empty everyday, but I just feel a bit like that today. Lack in my responsibilities. Lack in my faith + endurance to stand up against temptation. Lack in my fullness of God's love (and therefore searching for other, temporary means of filling that hole).

I know it won't last forever, and I really praise the Lord for that. But that empty feeling still goes down to like the depths of yourself, all the way through everything inside.

I can't understand how people can live like this for their entire lives. And I can understand how people can live like this for their entire lives. It's really not a paradox.

squiggles

I'm beginning to think that you can usually tell when a book is going to be good/helpful by two criteria. 1) In the introduction the author gives the credit to God, in a very sincere way. 2) There are a lot of references to Bible verses, so it encourages me to read it.

And so I've determined that this book I've started reading, "Celebration of Discipline" by Richard J. Foster, will be good. But, to know for sure I will have to wait until I finish the whole thing to understand what I really think about it.

But I really like this passage, and it's only in the first page of the introduction:

"It is a wonder to me how God uses squiggles on paper to do his work in the hearts and minds of people. How are these squiggles transformed into letters and words and sentences and, finally, meaning? Oh, we may congratulate ourselves on knowing a little about the function of neurotransmitters in the brain or about how endorphin proteins affect learning and memory retention, but if we are honest, we know that thinking itself is a mystery. Doxology is the only appropriate response."

I think that I will like it.

trust

I've been thinking a lot about trust lately.

And this is something I'm beginning to learn: Trusting God is not just about trusting that He will help me to survive the 45 minute van ride from Gardabani to Tbilisi (when the driver is dodging in and out of traffic, oncoming cars, people, etc...and speeding), or trusting that He will help me find a great husband. It's also about trusting that He will work in the people AROUND me, just as much as He's working IN me.

I know He's got a handle on things (did I use that idiom correctly? I can't tell). But I find that I think (sometimes) that I can cause people to have revelations of God. Like if I do my best to put them in a certain situation, then maybe they will have their "wake-up call" and change their lives. Or if I say/don't say something then maybe they will feel convicted. And thoughts similar to those. But really, I don't know what these people are really thinking or what is really inside of their hearts, because they only show me what they choose to show me. And it's not always truth (just like I don't always show the truth about what's inside of me, although I try to very often). God is the only one that knows. Not me. Not YOU (I say that to "engage" you a little more in this post)! And if I see that He is working in my life, then I can TRUST that He is working in other peoples' lives too.

God is ultimately clever.

Sometimes it's hard, because I want everyone to be okay and for us to all have happy lives. It's hard to watch other people go through difficult times. It's hard for ME to go through difficult times. But difficulty usually brings change. And change is good, as much as we fight it.

mourning

Yesterday we found out that one of my good friends' (here in Georgia, and on staff with us) brother died. It was such a shock. She thought at first that her mom was sick, so she went very quickly and then found out that it was her brother who had died, he was in Moscow.

It's so hard to understand. It's so hard to know how to be the comfort that she needs.

And the mourning process here in Georgia seems so different. We went and visited her, and her mom was sitting in the living room, her friends were sitting around her, and she was really like "wailing". It was hard to hear. And I guess that it will be like that for 3 days. When the person dies and is actually in the country, they leave the body in the house for 3 days or something (first they do an operation and put some preserving stuff inside). But yeah. It seems really different than what I've experienced.

So it's partly hard to know how to act, because culturally I'm not sure what is acceptable and what is not. For example, when we were going to visit her I wanted to take a CD player and some CDs for her, because she really likes to listen to music and it helps her. But then I found out that it's not "acceptable". No TV, no music, no computer, not supposed to be any laughing or something like that. Just lights, people, food if you can make them eat (the people who are mourning) and like that's it. Of course I'm still learning about the culture of this all, so maybe I don't have it all correct. But nonetheless, it's very different.

So, anyways. Please be praying for her and for her mom.

streeee-eee-eee-tching.

I am feeling very stretched in my ability to be friendly and selfless with the people I'm constantly interacting with. God has been teaching me a lot about sharing and patience, and about letting little things that don't really matter go, and stuff like that. But it is very difficult!! Especially right now, because I am tired and emotional (you know how it goes). But I believe it's like it says in James:

"...when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing." (James 1:2-4, NLT)

Lord, please give me the strength to be patient and loving, like you are with me!

Wednesday

This was my day (Wednesday the 31st) in pictures, and some words.

My roommate Diana and I at Narikala!

We had some guests (stumrebi) from America here for a couple days. So, on Wednesday they came with us to the School of Tomorrow (where we teach English) and then around Tbilisi. Dennis (base leader) drove us up to Narikala, and showed them around a bit. Diana and I spent most of our time trying to take good pictures. I think I had like 20 of me, and they were all funny for some reason. I'm pretty sure this is the best one that turned out. :-)

Me and one of my "gypsy" friends!

Me and Nino (I think that's her name, I'm pretty sure she's told me that her name was something different before...but this time she said Nino) and she said this is her baby, Aisha. I'm not sure about that either. But, she's one of the girls that I call my friends downtown. I'm not sure if they are really for sure Gypsies, but I know that they hang out downtown and beg for money, and they've been doing it for a long time. I'm building friendships with them, and it's really cool, although most of the Georgians walking on the street look at me like I'm crazy! Anyways, the other day I took one of the other girls not pictured here, Sabina, to a Cafe and ate pizza...and the rest of the kids like really wanted me to take them to cafe too. But I couldn't. So, when I saw her on Wednesday, like the first question she asked me was, "Can we go to the Cafe?". I didn't take her then, but I think I'll take her next time. I want to find out who she really is!

My Bebo (grandmother) Luba and I on Rustaveli!

This is my "bebo", or grandmother! She also begs for money downtown, but I think it's because she either has no pension, or it's too small for her to live on. And I don't think she can much work. But I met her when I was in Tbilisi this last time. I can't remember if she was there when I first arrived, but I know she was there before I left to have some time in the States. And she remembered me this time too! Her name is Luba. :-)

(L-R) Kierna, Me, Diana, Trissa

And this was the end of our day. After some great khinkhali, msvadi and other Georgian food at a restaurant! These 2 girls are the American guests that we had. They came to bring some vitamins to an orphanage. And there was another girl too, Diana #2, who is taking this picture. She's the girl that came from Canada, but who's Georgian...and she's pretty cool! I have one picture of us, but it's really not very good (one of those Narikala ones!)...so hopefully I'll get one soon and I'll post it. While we were waiting for the bus, the girls saw the director of the orphanage they visited. And we don't know for sure, but Diana #2 said that she saw a vitamin bottle in one of her bags...maybe they were filled, I don't know. But I've heard that it's very common when people bring things to orphanages, that the kids never actually get it. I just hope that that was not the case in this situation!

It was a very good day. A little cold, and we were very tired at the end. But it was very good. Trissa and Kierna left late that night to continue on their trip, but they really loved Georgia and hope to come back. So we will see!!

layouts and lobio

This week we had a DTS outreach team from Bulgaria here...and it was so fun to have them!! To have Vazi (the place I live) filled up with people, like during DTS, and to make new friends. It was very cool. Now they are in Ushguli Svaneti, it's like the highest village in Georgia in the Caucasus mountains or something like that. PRAY FOR THEM!

Me, I'm doing good. Wondering a bit why hardly anyone responded to my latest update...hoping they didn't forget me!! But keeping busy, so I'm not too lonely. :-) Last night I cooked some "lobio" (beans) and they were pretty tasty. Success! And also last night a girl flew in from Canada...she's Georgian, actually Russian, and she was in Canada for like 4 years, and her visa ran out now...so she's back! She's staying with me and it's been cool to get to know another person! Still fighting this cold a little bit. It's not bad, there are just some lingering symptoms. But I'm sort of tired of people asking, "Are you sick? Do you have a cold?", because it seems like that's what people asked for the 5 months I was in America, and now too. Oh well. At least I'm decently healthly.

It's getting colder and more grey in Tbilisi now, as it's turning to winter. But the trees still have some color on them, so that helps a lot!

I'm trying a new layout for this blog, but I'm not too sure if I like it a whole lot yet or not. The header picture came from this blog, check it out. I added the words and cropped it, but he takes some really good pictures, you should look!!

Well, I have a meeting to attend...so I'd better go.

:-)

some of my bible-time reflections (abridged version)

Bondservants, obey in all things your masters according to the flesh, not with eye service, as men-pleasers, but in sincerity of heart, fearing God. And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of inheritance; for you serve the Lord Christ." Colossians 3:22-24

I want to serve and obey not with eye service, not as a men pleaser, but in SINCERITY of HEART and fearing God. I want to do whatever I do heartily, as to the Lord. I am learning this (although, slowly).

++++++++++++++++++++

Also, the other day the story of David and Bathsheba illustrated God's good character to me in a new way, and our responsibility for our actions. David saw Bathsheba, wanted her, took her, got her pregnant and killed her husband. Bathsheba mourns her husband's death (Uriah the Hittite), and when that is finished, she goes to David's palace, becomes his wife and gives birth. God is displeased, and so he sends Nathan the prophet to rebuke/convict David. David is convicted. He confesses to Nathan and repents. Nathan declares that God has forgiven him, but there are consequences that will follow...his child will die. His child dies. David comforts Bathsheba, his wife, and sleeps with her. Bathsheba becomes pregnant and gives birth to Solomon. The Lord loves this child. (2 Samuel 11-12:25)

Oy mey. I don't get it. It's beyond my understanding. But somehow it's helped me to understand a little more.

++++++++++++++++++++

I'm learning.

Jenni's Journeys #4

JENNI'S JOURNEYS #4

by the way

This is amazing. No, seriously.

nose drops and nostalgia

One year and one day ago, I posted this poem that I wrote, here on my blog. I was in Georgia, in the middle of DTS lecture phase. And here I am in Georgia now, but in a different situation and capacity. But you know, I still relate to this (and probably always will).

Lord, there are so many times when I disobey
And then can't see past my feelings at all
Feelings of frustration, disappointment and sometimes even hate
Caused by my amazing ability to fall

But Jesus I know this is why you came
To rise above all the confusion and pain
It's like Paul says in your book, 'Of all the sinners, I am the worst'
And through this example you have displayed

MORE THAN I COULD HOPE FOR

I see your unlimited patience for those who would be saved
And I pray Lord Jesus, that for me you'd do the same
I know I don't deserve it, but oh Lord I pray
That for me you'd do the same

Tonight I went to a Bible Study with the Campus Crusade people here, the one I attended when I was here before. It was really good to see people that I knew! It was good.

I'm a little sick now (cold-ish stuff) and that's not always very much fun, but hopefully I'll get over it soon. I just bought some nose drops or something, like decongestant for my nose. I had to actually like put drops in my nose, not just nose spray. It was very interesting. But I think it will work (I hope it does, I hate sleeping with my mouth open to breathe, you know?) :-)

On Monday we're (the YWAM staff) going to a village near Batumi (it's the city on the Black Sea, I've been there a few times) for a staff retreat! We'll be there until Wednesday, and I think it will be really good!! But if you're reading this and you like to pray, please pray for us! That we will really be in God's presence and be renewed and cleaned and led by Him!

I'm now sharing a room with Ira, and Diana will move in next week. It's a small space, but I really love these girls...so it's really okay. This past week Ira and I have been spending a lot of time together, and it's been really good for our friendship! (Just so you know: Ira and Diana were my roommates in DTS, and they're on staff too now).

Ira, Diana and I

Okay, I am very tired. I hope you have a great day.

a little video

This is the first part of a video I'm working on for the YWAM Tbilisi website. I really don't know if I will keep the parts of me and Ira talking (it was not intended to be used, but it turned out kind of funny in the end)...but I'm just waiting to get more footage, hopefully with a better camera or something, so this will suffice until then!

When I get the page ready so that people can actually see it, I'll let you know the address.

the fragrance

Hooray, it's the first day of a new month, and the first day of a new week!

So, I woke up this morning totally dazed and confused. I can't even explain the feeling. I think it partly started with my sleeping. I woke up at 3:30 originally...but then I went back to sleep until like 9 (:-O!) and it somehow really confused my brain. Then I got up, and there were people here and I didn't understand how they got in (the door was padlocked, I didn't know they had a key). And then I received a weird message on Facebook that I didn't understand, "You're the Woa Man". And a funny SMS, "Questions. What time are you coming here? Can you lead worship? Do you know the Chicken Dance?"

But I'm better now.

I met a really sweet Georgian girl yesterday at the church we went to. Her name is Ana, and I think her and her sister are going to come to our fellowship meeting tonight. Ana knows some English, but not very much...so it's good for both of us to be around each other. I can practice my Georgian, and she can practice her English! :-) And she plays guitar and sings, so we have that in common. It's cool to make new friends!

So, I feel like there is a lot of sort of spiritual attack happening here at the base. But I was really encouraged this morning by Nino, she's the owner of Vazi (the place I'm living). She told me that sometimes when she wakes up in the morning she feels attacks, or pressures. But she says, "No. God, I know that you have big plans for me for this day. Please help me to see it." (This is my interpretation of it. We communicate with each other in broken English/Russian/Georgian!). But, it was really encouraging. The end of my time in the States was really busy, but since I've arrived in Georgia, I've mostly been resting and adjusting...and it's hard! Sometimes I wake up and feel so purposeless. But, it's not true. Everywhere we go, everything we do has potential to be used by God.

"Now thanks be to God who always leads us in triumph in Christ, and through us diffuses the fragrance of His knowledge in every place. For we are to God the fragrance of Christ among those who are being saved and among those who are perishing." 2 Corinthians 2:14-15

So this is my life. :-)

blah blah blah

Last night was good! I actually slept semi-normally. I went to bed around 9:30ish (I fell asleep watching Lord of the Rings) and I woke up after a little while to turn the lights off...but I slept until 2am and then I kind of slept/at least stayed in bed until now...it's almost 7! Hooray!

I didn't really do anything yesterday. I was going to see some friends, but it didn't work out. So I like went shopping for some shampoo and toothpaste and all that stuff, and then just basically hung out at home. And I was really hungry at dinner time, and I really just wanted to call someone and be like, "can I come over for dinner?"...but I can't just hop in my car, it takes time to get places here, like on a bus or walking...so I had pizza. There's this pizza place really close to my house (NOTE: the pizza is not like American pizza, but it's still good). So I got a pizza and ate some. It was good.

Today I'm going to a Georgian church and I'm supposed to basically lead worship. But I really don't know enough songs in Georgian. SO I might just choose songs that I know they know, and sing it in English and they can sing along in Georgian. Yup.

Okay, that's all for now. I'm kind of hungry, I'm going to eat breakfast. :-)

Jenni's Journeys #3

About my day today. Messed-up sleeping schedule. Boy's youth group. Knife throwing. Transition. Miss and Love you (if you're from America and you're watching this!). And I'll talk to you later. :-)

an update! I'm here in Georgia

Hello all! I have finally arrived in Georgia, after 22 hours of traveling! My departure was a lot different than the last time I went to Georgia (in June 2006). Back then I cried for for like 5 hours before I left for the airport, I cried all the way to the airport, I cried as I was going through the security checkpoint...and then experienced other things...like short layovers (=me totally stressed out, first time flying overseas alone!), lost baggage and so on (but God really showed that He was taking care of me!).

But this time, everything went really well. I had no problem saying goodbye, and no problems with baggage or boarding passes or layovers, and I was a lot more relaxed than when I flew to Georgia that last time. But I did have a new experience...when I was on the plane from San Francisco to Munich (11 hours) my legs and my feet started to swell! Eek! I guess it's sort of normal for some people, but it's never happened to me before. I can still feel that they are a little swollen, but I'm sure it will go down in the next couple of days!

As far as being back in Georgia...it's so strange, but not at the same time. It's like, it's still totally familiar to me (I'm staying at the same place I stayed before), but I can still tell that I went some time without being here. But...I don't know. It's feels like some crazy time paradox or something, but I'm sure when I sleep more and eat some food I will be able to sort out my brain a little better. :-)

I can tell that God is already stretching me! On the flight from Munich to Tbilisi, I really started questioning why I was going to Georgia, was I even supposed to go, and blah blah blah (spiritual hypochondriac stuff)...and I know that it's not quite over. I just can tell that I'm not going to get a break in growing and changing and being refined (which really is okay), and I hope that I'm able to receive it better this time. More quickly. Without less rebellion..you know!

So, please be praying for whatever you think needs to be prayed for, that I've mentioned here in this email or that the Holy Spirit has put on your heart. And please pray for our YWAM base here in Georgia. There are some new ministries starting, old ones changing, more organization being put into place...and a bunch of humans trying to work together and allow God to work through us!

I'd better go and start unpacking...or maybe sleep (it's 4:47am here!). Thank you for all of your prayers and encouraging words and support and love!

4 hours

So, I'm leaving TODAY. Still can't quite comprehend it. Had a great party last night, quite a few people came over, ate a lot of sweet things, stayed up really late. Woke up early to say goodbye to people going off to work, now finishing up some last minute things before we leave for the airport in like 4 hours.

So, goodbye America.

And to all my friends and family who live in America, I love you.

Jenni's Journeys #2

Not too much new info. View of my room's desolation (it's really not that bad). Reminder about the party! 2 DAYS.

i have anxiety...

...it's bizarre. when i graduated high school, all i wanted to do was get out of ephrata. now that i realize that i won't see it again for 2 years...all i want to do is stay.

but at the same time, i really want to go.

i have adrenaline pumping through my blood from excitement and from not-wanting-to-go-ness.

AND i'm drinking a grande coffee.

ha.

trying it out

Jenni's Journeys VIDEO #1

i am a bit of a spiritual hypochondriac

So, I've been hanging out in Ephrata and it's pretty cool! Last night me and a friend watched like 7 episodes of "House". It was pretty exciting. And tonight I cooked with my Mom. I'm having a good time.

Still walking down memory lane though. Yesterday I walked by the house I grew up in with my birth-mom. And last night my friend and I went to Walmart, and for about 3.5 seconds I really felt like I was in high school again...driving to Walmart at night listening to jazz music. That was pretty much my life then (sad, I know). And I'm having reminiscent feelings now too, as I'm sitting in my room and it's a little chilly due to fall either approaching or arriving (not sure which). It's good though.

I took a nap for like 5 hours today, and when I woke up I was convinced that it was Thursday morning. And then, when I realized that it wasn't, I wished really hard that it was. I'm not sure why, I just really wanted it to be Thursday morning.

I leave for Georgia in 6 days.

Crazy.

we blind ourselves

I feel so WEIRD. I'm packing now. It's actually pretty miraculous...I will have everything packed (for the most part, I might need to repack at the end) like 9 days before I leave! Crazy.

But, I just feel so weird. It's the:
packing-up-and-leaving,
reminiscing-but-wanting-to-get-rid-of-stuff,
wishing-that-you-hadn't-gotten-rid-of-some-things,
realizing-you're-moving-to-a-foreign-land,
hitting-reality-that-you-aren't-going-to-see-friends&family-for-a-while.
strange feeling.

I take so much for granted. People, relationships, time. And then when it comes down to the wire I wonder what I did that was worthwhile. I mean, I know there were worthwhile things...but there were definitely not-worthwhile things. Like, the record-breaking amount of time I spent on my computer. Hmm.

I don't know. I'm just so continually amazed at how we 1) blind ourselves/lose touch with reality, 2) fight/rebel for the things that hurt us the most, 3) think that this is all there is.

I'm guilty.

But, I'm really excited to go to Georgia. Starting to get a little nervous. A little sad. Feeling like it can't possibly happen for reals. But living (sometimes) in my far off dream land of Georgia.

Oh geeze...it's 4:50am and I haven't slept yet. I'm supposed to go to Ephrata today for church, but I don't think that I'm going to make it in time.

our GLORY

Jeremiah 2: 11 b-13, "...But My people have changed their Glory for what does not profit. Be astonished, O heavens, at this, and be horribly afraid; Be very desolate,' says the LORD. 'For My people have committed two evils: They have forsaken Me, the fountain of living waters, and hewn themselves cisterns--broken cisterns that can hold no water."

When I first read this this morning, I had like all of this stuff I wanted to say...but now I'm not sure. I think it really speaks for itself. It's such an incredible word-picture. We have forsaken God (the fountain of living waters) for other gods (cisterns, tanks-that don't produce water, and can hold no water). At least, that is my interpretation. If you have another, I would love to hear it!! You should read Jeremiah 2 and reflect via comments. :-) But yeah, I'm not sure all of the context and what Jeremiah is exactly describing, but it talks a lot about turning to other gods and the worthlessness of it all.

This is a good video that's kind of of related to that. Watch it and let me know what you think. Just to let you know, it gets a little intense toward the end.

LORD, please strengthen us (and hear the prayers of our hearts).

2 parts emotion

I really wanted to write in Georgian because I spent like 2 hours the other night trying to find a Georgian keyboard driver (I think that's what they're called) and finally did, and was pretty excited. But the only Georgian letter that will show up when I type here is the o. Oh well.

So, I'm leaving for Georgia in 2 weeks! I've got insane mixed emotions, but I can't talk about it too much more or I'm going to lose my mind (maybe not really, but that's kind of what it feels like). Today was like a trip down memory lane. I went to a lot of parts of town(s) that I haven't been to for a long time, and that I used to go to. Like places I used to hang out when I was in college, streets that I used to drive on very often with people, and stuff like that...and it was so strange. Part of me wished that I was back in those days, living those times. But most of me is really glad that my life is where it is now, even if transitions aren't easy. And I'm sure that's why part of me wanted to be where I was before...because I was settled, for the most part, and I didn't have to pack my entire life away into suitcases that are much to small (or I just have too much stuff...I believe the truth is found in the latter statement).

I've been really rebelling against God lately (...always?) and it's kind of ridiculous. Like, today I was having lunch with this wonderful lady and I was kind of having an emotional vomitting (pardon the vocabulary) session, and then I looked at her and was like, "You don't think I should be a missionary, huh? And you're probably thinking like, 'Why the heck did I support her?'", and she jokingly said, "I am thinking that..!" But I like totally took it irrationally and played the self-pity card. "Maybe I shouldn't be a missionary. Maybe God didn't really call me, maybe I just wanted to go..." and blah blah blah disgustingness. And the whole time I'm saying that stuff, I'm thinking, "Jenni, what the heck is wrong with you?". We talked at college group today about how a small spark sets a whole forest aflame (or something like that) and the tongue is a small thing that boasts great evils (or something like that...I'm not quoting the Bible directly because it's not in front of me right now). And it's so true.

And because of my rebelliousness I've been feeling like really unforgiven, and that's like not a good place to be. Doubting God's mercy (if I don't have that...then what do I have?). But God is greater than all of that, and greater than all of my whacked out feelings (which are at an all-time high, or nearly, because of EVERYTHING). He is bigger. He is bigger. He is bigger.

And I NEED Him. So much.

light camping

The LORD is my light and salvation, whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life, whom shall I fear?
When evil men advance,
When enemies attack,
Though war is breaking out,
Even then I will be confident.
The LORD is my light and salvation, whom shall I fear?

This is a psalm that I made into a song (I guess they already were songs), and I'm sort of trying to make a few songs out of different parts of it. So, here's part one. You can click on the link to go to my music page and listen if you'd like to!

Psalm 27 (part 1)

I'm "camping" right now. I use that word subjectively because I have electricity in my tent (which means a lamp and a computer), there's wireless internet all over the campground, I'm 15 steps away from bathrooms with running water and showers, and my parents are sleeping 10 feet away in an RV equipped with most things you'd have at home. So you know what I mean.

But hey, I'm not complaining.

A quick change of topic: I'm struggling with ME. I'm so focused on myself and my problems and struggles and weaknesses and worries, that I'm forgetting other people, and losing concern for them, and not be very actively loving. I don't want to be like that! Life is about relationships. It's not good how easy it is to get caught up in the constant race for more, and lose the right priorities. How many of you understand me?! LORD, please free me from myself.

I'll be here until Monday.

Oh, by the way: 21 days.

one-hundred

So, we made it back from our road trip just fine. We drove through all 3 states on Saturday (California, Oregon, Washington) and it was good to be home. It's good to be cold! While we were in Southern California, it reached the 100s each day... totally ridiculous man! But I really learned a lot about friendship and about myself. Stuff (attitudes) that I thought were gone out my character, flared up again. By the strength of God, I pushed through things I didn't want to push through. I had an adventure, which is exactly what I wanted...but maybe it didn't come in the form I was exactly expecting. Overall, it was a great trip and I'm so glad I had the opportunity to go. And yes, I still love them ... and I think they still love me. :-)

In other news: I've posted over 100 times! It just seems like a lot!

And in other other news: I leave for Georgia THIS month. I think it's kind of funny, before I went last time, I started counting down from like 55 days. And now I'm like, "oh I'm leaving soon...blah blah blah". But I'm really excited to go. And it's really hard to leave at the same time. I'm a little nervous--when I was leaving Georgia to come back to the States, I was really excited...and it was good for like a week, and then things started to get really rough and I wasn't so happy. And I don't want that to happen when I go to Georgia this time. I don't want to go and have my hopes disappointed. I guess that's why we should put our hope in the Lord, He will never disappoint us, I know it's true.

back to Washington

We're on our way back to Washington now!! We're going to try to drive for like 15 hours an make it back to Seattle by tomorrow night (or really early Sunday morning!)

We're staying with the Hargreaves (they used to live in Ephrata) in Ripon, CA..it's pretty cool!

Washington, here we come!

Woah, I just realized that each one of these sentences start with W.

Wow, that's unusual. :-)

The girls in San Francisco (I still haven't uploaded the newer pictures from Joel's camera...soon!)

OUR CREATOR, SHINE YOUR LIGHT.

We're in San Diego and we went to the zoo today. That was cool! ... and really HOT. But fun!! Sorry I don't have pictures...I haven't had the chance to put the most recent ones on my computer yet. But soon hopefully!!

And we spent like 2 hours in Barnes & Noble today, because our refuge for the night wasn't available until 10pm. So, I had a good time walking around and looking at all the different books. (Although my feet were so tired from standing like all day!!) And I really realized that like every book that is written has an agenda. And that agenda may be true, or not. And there are a lot of books (about not-truths) that are proclaiming "facts"--even though we Americans have begun to misuse that word greatly. (Hopefully you understand what I mean.) And it's just crazy real eye opening for me.

It worries me sometimes to think how disillusioned I possibly am. But I don't want to become so "enlightened" that I lose touch with reality either.

AAAHHHHH! (an expression of slight frustration)

Another step on the path, which I'm really hoping leads to truth.

We're going up to Simi Valley tomorrow, and I get to see one of my outreach leaders from DTS, Caitlin...and I'm really excited to see her. Then Thursday, probably Disneyland. Friday, Azusa. Saturday-Monday, returning to Washington! We're keeping on.

OUR CREATOR, SHINE YOUR LIGHT.

road trip part 1

...hopefully there will be a part 2!

We are in San Francisco (but leaving in just a couple hours!), and the place we are at just happens to have free wi-fi...hooray!

We drove from Seattle to Independence, OR. From Independence, OR to Gold Bluffs Beach, CA. From Gold Bluffs Beach, CA to San Francisco, CA...and now we're off again. I don't know where we're going to stay tonight though...we'll figure it out. :-)

But we're having a pretty good time. Definitely learning a lot (or trying to learn a lot) about being in community and it's good!!

We've had some adventures...in particular, driving into San Francisco...we had to go through the toll lane so fast, that we ended up in the "fast lane" and it's where they take a video of your license plate when you go through, and then check your account later. But we obviously don't have an account...so I'm sure that our ticket is on the way. But hey, we totally busted into San Francisco and can tell the story of when we drove through the toll lane without paying. :-)

Keep praying! :-)

PICTURES:

Cooking dinner in Washington (first night)

in Oregon, cooking breakfast at a rest stop

some hot air balloons in Oregon

at Gold Bluffs Beach (it was COLD!)

in Ben & Jerry's in San Francisco

working on our best crab impersonation in San Francisco

road trip ... what what

I'm leaving today on a road trip to California. There are 4 of us, and we'll be gone for about 12 days! (We're dropping one of them off at college, so they'll only be 3 on the way back). Hopefully I'll be able to blog about it a little bit, but we'll see when we actually get on the road and see how stuff works out.

Please pray for us!

i could never be happy...

...as an atheist.

My bottom is numb from sitting on the floor for too long. It's 5:57 AM, and I still haven't gone to bed. I took a nap today, but I didn't think it was satisfying enough to cause me to stay up this late.

I'm leaving on Thursday for a road trip to CA with some of my friends.

Until then (and hopefully after then), I'm really trying to manage my time well. But I'm not sure if staying up until 6 in the morning is a very good management of time. Hmm...

I'm struggling a lot with having faith. And it's pretty exhausting. But, there are those times when I am so fully convinced that God IS, and I'm clinging to that. I know that things aren't going to be easy as I'm getting ready to leave for Georgia, so I'm also clinging to the hope that it will relent, at least for a while, sometime soon. I could never be happy as an atheist. But there is so much that is trying to push me in that direction. But there is so much to keep me where I am.

I am tired of being pulled! But at the same time, I'm glad that I am. Comprendo?

Oh Lord, I know that you know what I think I need.

Not enough words to describe what I'm thinking/feeling now. But maybe that's okay. It would probably sound better/be more accurate if I was rested.

"I have set the LORD always before me. Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken." Psalm 16:8

walking understanding

I went walking today, on a road surrounded by sagebrush and hotness. The sky was really blue, the sun was really bright. And I was thinking: about Jesus coming back, about what this life is for, about how I can't understand how to get past wanting to cling to the things on the earth, and all of that.

"God, I just don't get it."

I kept walking, and all of a sudden I heard an airplane in the sky. I looked up, and didn't see anything--only the bright blue sky, the bright sun and a few clouds scattered here and there. But I heard the sound, I knew it was an airplane, and I knew it was out there somewhere.

But I couldn't see it.

you should read this--there are pictures!

Yesterday I got back from Ensenada, Mexico.

I needed to go to Mexico and I'm so glad that God gave me that opportunity. I needed to go to Mexico not be IN Mexico, but to hold dirty little kids and remember what's really important. Helping people. Loving people. Learning. Growing. Being in the States is great, it's comfortable, I can buy really cute clothes, I can eat as much food as I want, etc. But I forget what's really important. I get so caught up in ME. So, I needed that reminder/wake-up call to see past America.

So there were 12 of us (6 leaders and 6 students). I was one of the leaders (and also the song leader for VBS). I made a lot of mistakes, but I think I really learned a lot. In particular:

#1: Don't draw so much verbal attention to the fact that you're a leader.

#2: Be sensitive to people moods, instabilities, hurts, etc. They aren't always ready to answer your questions.

#3: Control your curiosity. Like #2, people aren't always ready to answer your questions. Even though you would answer almost any question anyone could throw at you, that doesn't mean that everyone else is the same.

#4: Be open to listen to constructive criticism. If you ignore other people's feedback on your leadership skills (rational or irrational) then you aren't going to learn and grow.

"Tent City", our home for the last week (it was a lot bigger than this--there were 600 people there!)

So how it works is this. A lot of people get together through this program called Mexico Outreach, and we all live in "Tent City" and have chapel every morning and night, and during the day we all go out in our separate groups and work on our "ministry site". My group worked at this place called "Leche y Miel" (milk and honey): there is a lady named Josephina and she cooks lunch for the neighborhood kids who wouldn't normally get very much food. And even though she is not in a very prosperous situation herself, she goes on mission trips to a small town in Mexico. So, we put on a VBS at Leche y Miel (our theme was "putting on the armor of God"...it was really fun) and also some of our people worked on building another little kitchen next to Josephina's house like 10-15 minutes away from the current building.

It was so incredibly interesting to be able to go on this trip, because I went 3 years ago right after I graduated high school. We went to the same place, Leche y Miel, and there are even kids that I remembered from before who have grown up so much since then. It's crazy how much has changed in there. And it's crazy how much I've changed. Physically I'm different (I've lost like 25 pounds since then). Mentally I'm different (I'm a little less emotionally unstable). Spiritually I'm different (I have a completely different, more intimate relationship with God). And it was really cool to be able to contrast my previous experience with the current one, and see the reality of those changes.

So, I had a really great time in Mexico, and even on the way home. I ended up flying on a different ticket than the rest of the team (because I joined the team late) and so I flew home by myself. I had some great opportunities to talk with people about their opinion, view, belief, lack of belief in God. And it was so interesting. But the rest of my team had a heck of a time. They were supposed to fly in around 10pm on Friday, but they didn't arrive until around 7:30pm on Saturday! Their flights were cancelled, delayed, etc. You name it and it happened to them. But praise the Lord they are still alive, and are still talking to each other. :-)

Okay, I've written a lot. I'll post some more pictures now. Thanks for reading.

A group (I think it's sort of an organization) that makes quilts donated 100 of them for us to take to give away (did I mention that we had 23 checked bags + 12 carry-ons + 12 "personal items"?) So, we gave about 25 out to some of the families at Leche y Miel, and Josephina is going to take the rest with her on her next mission trip to Senora. This is little Daniella and her quilt.

The older girls liked to play with my hair (even though I didn't wash it for 6 days and it was incredibly gross)...and I didn't mind. Who doesn't like getting their hair played with? :-)




I only remember seeing this little boy, Luis, the last 2 days, but he was really sweet. One day when we were coming, the kids were like mobbing our van (but they mobbed the van every day, and would tell each other which American was theirs, "I get that one!") and he "called" me. :-)




He is just CUTE. Markito. And YES, I KNOW I'm making "the-face-that-I-always-make-in-pictures-even-though-people- tell-me-not-too-but-I-can't-really-help-it". :-)




Our Team! Back row (L-R): Jenny, Clyde, David, Don, Robert, Kendra, Pamela.
Front row (L-R): Lynn, Andre, Julia, Me, Trisha


The End (for now).

yemen

So, the funniest thing happened today.

Me and my friend Maria went to Subway to get dinner, and the man making our sandwiches looked hispanic, so I greeted him by saying, "Hola!" He then proceeded to inform me that he was not, in fact, hispanic. And so I proceeded to ask which nationality he was. He wouldn't tell me directly, but turned it into a game: "If you can guess which country I'm from, then I will give you a free sandwich." Of course I wanted a free sandwich, so I started to guess. "Philippines! Malaysia! Indonesia!" and on and on, but I wasn't getting it. So we persuaded him to give us a hint. "My nationality starts with M and ends with T". I was racking my mind to think of what it could be, but nothing was coming. We then persuaded him to give us another hint, and he said "Okay...the name of my country starts with Y."

"YEMEN!!", I shouted.

And alas, I was correct. And we did indeed get a free sandwich. And it was rather thrilling.

the new and the old

I had a really good quiet time this morning. It was the first time in a long time that I've been able to organize my thoughts in a concise and meaningful way. A lot of my journal entries lately (maybe similar to many of my blog entries lately) have been really random and NOT to the point, always skirting around the edge. But it was really relieving/satisfying to be able to "sort it out" on a page.

And this is one of my thoughts that I began to realize. When I finished DTS, I was all for living as the "new Jenni" and not the "old Jenni". And when I came back to the States, I was all for it, and terribly afraid of falling into my old ways. I did. And that's why I need a Redeemer. But that's not my main point here. My main point is that after a while, even the new becomes old.

Even the new becomes old.

My first evening back at home (April 20th)

God is not taking me through all that I've been going through these past 3 months, so that I can be the person I was 3 months ago. He wants me to be more holy. More refined. More like Him. And I need to be striving for that. If I thought my post-DTS attitude/character/life was good, then I'd better expect that God is going to do even better things...because He is STILL working on me.

And I'm trying to get a good grip on Him.

TB and Music

Okay, so something pretty cool.

When I returned to the States, I thought I should get a TB test (to make sure I didn't have it), and so I made my appointment and everything and I went to the doctor. Well, the day I showed up they were like, "your appointment was yesterday", but I wrote down the date she told me, so it was just a little mix-up. And the only problem was that the doctor I was going to see wasn't available, but it was okay, because they just had a nurse do it. Well, I just got the bill today and I am SO glad that the doctor wasn't available, because it probably saved me like $50 or something. So what seemed like plans gone wrong, actually turned out to be a benefit to me in the end, and for my good. Interesting. :-)

I put up some songs that I've recorded on here, so you can check it out if you want. You can download them too! :-)

What else? Oh, I'll just write more later.

attachment to the wrong fears

Tomorrow...or well, today (shoot)...when I wake up in the morning, it's "NO COMPUTER DAY"! Yay!

I think I can, I think I can.

It's pretty ridiculous how ATTACHED we become to things that didn't even exist earlier in our lives. Cell phones, computers, video games. It's really crazy I tell you.

So I found out today that Daniel is getting moved (to wherever he is going) like tomorrow (today) and it's also crazy. It's a good thing, it's just there is so much change. So much.

I didn't do very well today with thinking on what is true, pure and lovely. I hate it, but I so get caught up in impressing people (AKA fear of man) and it's so frustrating. SO frustrating. I even wrote myself a letter (when I was in Georgia, at the end of DTS) and I just got the letter in the mail yesterday (my leaders mailed it to me) and I even wrote in there: "Fear God, not man. Fear of man is a trap." And it totally is, and I'm totally pretty stuck in it.

There is so much I need to give up to God, but I want to hold onto it so tightly. Well, I think that I gave a lot of it up today, but that doesn't mean I won't take it back. I wish that it did mean that I won't take it back, but it doesn't.

Lord, please unstick me.

did you know...

...that when you do a google search for "kartvelley", I am the only related thing that comes up?! It could be because I spelled it wrong (although spelling any Georgian in English is wrong)...but it's okay!

So, I know that I haven't been writing very deeply here. Maybe I'm trying to pretend like everything in my life is normal and fine (because I don't want to think about it), but I know that's not the right thing to do. SO here's a brief synopsis.

1) My good friend Maria is in the hospital in ICU with malaria. She went on a mission trip to Peru and got bit by a mosquito, and she's really sick now. She's getting better, but when they actually finally admitted her (at first they thought it was hepatitis, and it wasn't. And then they though it was just a UTI, but she was still sick and THEN they found out it was malaria) 75% of her blood was contaminated with the malaria, and she was like unconscious (that's what I heard). And now she's getting better, but she's on a ventilator and everything at the hospital in Bellingham.

2) I'm struggling a lot with trusting God right now, and believing Him. And America is the perfect place to remain numb and indifferent, or inactive. And I find that happening to me. So, I'm struggling and wrestling with God about lots of things, like suffering and the deity of Jesus and all of this stuff, and sometimes I'm just so overwhelmed (a lot of times) I just want to pretend like I'm not struggling, so I grab the computer (funny, I'm typing this on the computer now...) or I watch a movie, or I do something so that I don't have to think. And after a while, it's like I get lost in it all and lose touch with reality. And what I really need is to not pretend that I'm not struggling. I need to face it head on. I need to be living in reality. Maybe that doesn't make sense.

But there are good things that are happening.

I've got my return ticket to Georgia, and I'm leaving on the 25th of September. And I'm getting some opportunities to talk about Georgia and what I'm doing there, which is good.

And GOD is still with me and still loves me, even though I'm struggling. And I'm really grateful for that.

Wow, I probably sound crazy or something. It's just hard to condense weeks of thoughts into a brief summary. But I tried.

So, life it hard. But God is still here. Phew.

tired

I was walking home from the grocery store and I was thinking. You know, in America we ask each other "how are you?" and I think the number one response is something like, "good" or "fine thanks". And I think the second response is something like, "good, but tired". And I realized that America is really tired.

We're constantly running. Constantly producing. Constantly pushing for results or profits or something. And we need to rest.

What if they shut down the freeways for a day and declared it "National Rest Day"? People would freak out, because they think life can't go on if something isn't being done. But the reality is, life can go on. And it's kind of enjoyable to take a break once in a while. You know what I mean?

the trees

Oh the trees of the field are singing, joyful songs of love
For they've seen His eyes, and they can't deny His love
Oh I'm not a tree but I'm singing, because I have seen them too
And His is a deep, deep love that warms itself right through
My cold heart
Right through my cold heart

not that exciting, but informative

I don't really have anything monumental to say, but I haven't been writing much...so I know I must have SOMETHING to say.

I'm leaving tomorrow to go to this thing called "Walk With Christ". It should be really cool, I'm excited.

Today, I went to Rose's house and made headbands (for myself). It was pretty exciting. I used a sewing machine, and that was cool. And I learned the "slip stich". :-)

I can't decide what to do, if I should redo the papers I printed out for my support letter that say I need $900 for my plane ticket. Because as long as everything works out, I will have one. So, is it honest for me to still send those out? What do I do about it?

I cleaned out my closet (at my parents house) today. It was pretty crazy. I have SO MUCH stuff (and that's not even half of it). But I was really interesting to see stuff from a long time ago, like pictures and notes. I found a whole box of notes from middle school and highschool, so that should be interesting to go back and read.

I'm coming back to Everett on Monday.

If anyone knows of any temporary jobs that I could do (like really temporary, even one-time things) let me know!!

Well, I'll be back on Sunday.

I'll try to be more exciting next time.

:-)

check it out

I think I've been procrastinating writing anything here because there has just been so much going on inside of me. Like, my thoughts have been so jumbled, that anything I would have written would've sounded like nonsense.

But things are clearing up a little now.

Lets see. I'm in Ephrata now visiting my parents, and it's been good. It's hard sometimes, because I want to crawl back into my "old wineskin" that I've left here (the "old Jenni"...insecure, undisciplined, proud...you get the picture!). But praise God that His mercies are new every morning. You know though, I find myself even struggling to accept His grace in that. It's not that I think I can earn it, I just feel like I should. It feels like too great a gift. And it frustrates me a little, but at the same time I am incredibly grateful, because I know that I could never earn it.

So, I'm learning a lot. And learning isn't easy. But it is rewarding.

+++++++++

Being a missionary is so overwhelming. But I love it, even though I'm still new at it.

some birthday pictures

I got TWO birthday cakes. It was pretty special.

Lynn and Don got me some pretty amazing rubber boots. I was really excited. Now when I go to the village, I'm going to look REALLY American, but at least I'll be fashionable. Hey, maybe I'll start a trend or something.

Sue bought me an iPod, and I was really happy. Like a month ago, when I was home visiting my parents, and my mom said that she was thinking about giving me her iPod, but on the condition that I wouldn't give it away. But I told her that if God told me to give it away, I would have to. So, she decided not to give it to me. And I was okay, but I remember later that day or that week, I was praying and I was like, "God, I really want an iPod." So, in the meantime, Sue had been praying about what to get me for my birthday, and she said that God told her to get me an iPod. And she was like, ok. So, at my birthday BBQ, I open Sue's present, and then I just start to cry. Because I see that God cares about every aspect of our lives, even the things that don't seem very "spiritual" like iPods. And it was pretty amazing.

I feel quite ready to go back to Georgia.

Not that I don't love the people here like to death... I just miss it, really.

to do

God has something big planned for my life (and for YOURS too, you know?!) and I'm going to do my best to do what HE calls me to do. And I think as long as I strive to live out my God-given purpose, everything is going to be okay.

Oh, but it's so easy to be distracted and led off the path, or maybe even voluntarily run from it.

BUT the grace of God, of Jesus Christ, is so incredibly great. So incredibly patient, and like seriously HUGE. Huge enough to find you even when you've wandered incredibly far.

the honest truth

"How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Look on me and answer, O Lord my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death; my enemy will say, "I have overcome him," and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me." PSALM 13

You know, it's strange. I remember when I was in high school, I used part of this verse to write a song...but I wasn't really grasping what it meant, I just thought it sounded good.

But I can really say that this is like the prayer of my heart right now.

I was so totally in like "magic land" when I first came to the States, I was having a great time, I was standing firm in the changes God had made in my life. But then I started to loosen up, and be less diligent in spending serious time with Him. Then I was hardly spending any time with Him at all and was letting my will run wild. And now I feel like I'm standing in the midst of a lot of wreckage. And I have a lot of questions. And I feel really hurt. And I can't understand a lot.

But this morning at church we sang a song. Most of the songs I wasn't really worshiping God (because I was thinking about all of this stuff that is taking my joy...or that I'm willingly giving my joy too...), but then we came to that one, "When I Think About the Lord" and I was singing this part:

"It makes me wanna shout, Hallelujah! Thank you Jesus! Lord you're worthy of all of the glory, of all of the honor, of all of the praise!"

And as I was singing that part, not really connecting the words flowing from my mouth with the condition of my heart or mind...suddenly SOMETHING clicked. And for a moment I really felt like everything was going to be okay, which is something that I haven't felt for a while.

So, I really hope that is true.

"in"

Daniel went "in" today. It's pretty rough.

m. c.

Wow, I get so many comments when I talk about marriage...I should do that more.

Geeze.

holding on

So, the other day when I was nannying, Morgan (see photo) and I encountered a problem. She was sitting on a stool at the table and had just finished eating ("All done!") and so I told her to wait there, so I could wipe her hands and face. She decided that she didn't want to wait, so she started to stand up. I told her to sit down, and she wouldn't. So I SAT her down, and she stood up again and kept saying, "Up! Up!" and I told her that I will pick her up WHEN she sits down...and it began.

She ended up screaming for like 25 minutes while I was holding her saying, "Morgan, if you stop crying I'll put you down. Morgan, I still love you. Morgan, if you stop crying you can have your blankie." She was just upset that she didn't get her way, and I knew that if I let her get away with it, all respect she had for me as an authority would be lost. If I let her get away with it, she would lose trust in me because she would think that she has more power than I can handle. So, I endured. And you know, God really spoke to me through that.

"If you sit down I'll pick you up."

And also the fact that Morgan was screaming. And struggling to loosen my grasp. She tried to bite my shoulder a little bit...she was SO angry that I wouldn't let her have her way (of disobedience), but I didn't let her go. And I saw that sometimes I am so like that with God. I throw my temper tantrum because He doesn't let me have what I want (and often what I want is not what is best), but He doesn't let me go. OR sometimes I'm just tired and cranky and I throw a fit, but He holds on. And whispers, "I love you, Jenni."

And maybe that sounds crazy or emotional or dramatic or something, but it really gave me a clearer understanding of Him.

"if you sit down, i'll pick you up"

oy

My hope of marrying Marty Sampson has just been COMPLETELY obliterated.

He's already married. Oy.

and another thing...

I'm having a really hard time with the lack of settled-ness and/or consistency in my life. It's like no matter where I am, I'm missing something somewhere else, in another part of the state, in another part of the world. And I have so much in each place, and I feel so divided.

For a while when I came back to the States, it was like I was living in this beautiful enchanted world, and I was really so happy. But then the lack of permanent started to really bother me, and now it is really bothering me. And I don't want to lose my joy or hope or gentleness or love because of this, but I really feel like some of it is slipping.

And you know, I know that by choosing to follow God I gave up that right to be comfortable and permanent. And I know that God is permanent, but it's just hard having situations constantly morphing around you.

But, the funny thing is...if my life was constant and "normal", I'd probably be complaining too.

Oh, I feel fickle.

obedience

So, it's crazy how many similarities I find between my relationships with the kids that I'm nannying and my relationship with God.

Like today, I was telling the 4-year old that when I ask him to do something, he needs to do it right away. I don't want him to ask "why?" or try to distract me or do it as slowly as possible, but I want him to be quick to obey.

But the whole time I was saying that I was thinking, "am I quick to obey when God asks me to do something?...NO!" and I felt like so sort of hypocritical. But at the same time, it's cool that God is showing me things through this situation.

I just hope that I can apply them. :-)

progress and resistence

Wow, so much is happening and changing.. and sometimes I feel a little overwhelmed.

But you know, even though it's like harder following God.. it's so much better. I don't know how to explain it. Like before, in my life, when I was just kind of hanging out and nonchalantly acknowledging God, I was really quite miserable. Actually, incredibly miserable. BUT, I could do whatever I wanted (to an extent). Like, the conviction wasn't as strong, the responsibility wasn't as much. But I was miserable.

And now that I've really committed my life to serving God (I've told Him that I am committed to Him for the rest of my life regardless of how I feel or whatever, I belong to Him) and in a way it's harder. Because I can't always do what I want or feel like doing. And the conviction is a heck of a lot stronger, and sometimes nearly unbearable (at least until I confess it all or turn away from it or whatever). But I am so much happier. I mean, I don't wake up every day full of joy and rejoicing (maybe someday I will be able to), but I really have so much more joy.

AND I feel like I'm standing on solid ground. Really, I feel more whole. I know I've got a long way to go.. but the progress so far has been quite fulfilling.

So anyways.

I'm glad to be committed to serving God, even if I 'keep offering vain and perilous resistance'. I think I'm beginning to learn.

ACTS 26:14
And when we had all fallen to the ground, I heard a voice in the Hebrew tongue saying to me, Saul, Saul, why do you continue to persecute Me [to harass and trouble and molest Me]? It is dangerous and turns out badly for you to keep kicking against the goads [to keep offering vain and perilous resistance].