I will never be a light unless I turn myself to You...

My heart HUUUUUURRRTS.

It's just hard saying goodbye for extended periods of time. My question now is, "why can't it get easier?"

I'm not leaving the U.S. yet, but I am moving on from my parents and hometown. And it's not even over there. I'll be in Everett for another week, and have to say goodbye to all those people too. It's so emotionally not easy doing this.

Lord, I need your help. A lot of it. I need reassurance that what I'm doing is valuable and worthwhile, and that there is something greater than the difficulty and pain.

Sometimes I wish I could go spend a weekend in like, Narnia or something. Just take a break from life, not indefinitely... just temporarily. Be totally free from everything (emotions/physical burdens, hindrances, weaknesses, pain).

But I understand that I can't, so I'll do my best to be here NOW. And be grateful for what's around me instead of focusing on the pain and the difficulty. That's what I'll do.

So, in line with gratefulness:

I had a great time in the States. Seeing people. Spending time with my parents. Having fun. Eating amazing food. Continuing to learn some incredibly valuable lessons about God's character and life. I feel like I've been refreshed and have a new energy to do what I was doing before, but with more of me. I love my life. I love what I do. I love the people in my life (regardless of the frequency of our meetings). I love who God made me to be. I love who God is (even though I don't even have a glimpse of the complete image of Him and His character). I discovered some sweet new music. I re-increased my English vocabulary (even though that will be most definitely temporary). I was totally encouraged by peoples' interest and care in my happenings and by their prayers and seeking-God on my behalf.

And I believe good things will continue to happen, even tomorrow. Even in a week. Even in a month. And God will give me strength in spite of pain and difficulty.

Father God, thank you.

something to say

I learned how to crochet hats and washcloths.

I'm pretty excited about that.

<-- I made this hat.

And I discovered that I can knit pretty fast (for me) too.

But all this knitting and crocheting is giving me a twitch in my right shoulder muscle. Hmmph.

I hung out with my Dad today watching and NCIS, or NSIC... whatever it is... marathon.

I also went into the Geesey guitar place and asked the owner to play like all of the interesting instruments he had in there. And he actually could for the most part. I was pretty impressed.

Also, when I came in he was like, "how can I help you?" and I said, "you can give me a free guitar..!" He laughed. Little did he know I was making a serious request. :-)

I'm gaining weight too. Hmmph.

take me

I'm feeling contemplative.

Take my life and let it be
Consecrated, Lord, to Thee
Take my hands and let them move
At the impulse of Thy love

Take my feet and let them be
Swift and beautiful for Thee
Take my voice and let me sing
Always, only for my King

Take my lips and let them be
Filled with messages from Thee
Take my silver and my gold
Not a mite would I withhold

Take my moments and my days
Let them flow in endless praise
Take my intellect and use
Every power as Thou shalt choose

Take my will and make it Thine
It shall be no longer mine
Take my heart, it is Thine own
It shall be Thy royal throne

Take my Love, my Lord I pour
At the feet of it's treasure store
Take myself and I will be
Ever, only, all for Thee

You know, it's such a strange thing to think of asking God to take all of these things: my life, my hands, my feet, my voice, my lips, my silver & my gold, my moments & my days, my intellect, my will, my heart, my love and myself. It's so bitter in a sense, beyond words--at least in this situation. Because it would take me a very long time to catch you all up on what is happening on the inside of me relating to each and everyone of these aforementioned nouns.

But at the same time, I feel this really sweet comfort even at the thought of asking Him to take all of this. Really warm. And I (at this moment) really want to surrender this all to the One who gave us all these things in the first place.

And I believe.

Frances R. Havergal
This lady wrote this poem/hymn, and here's a little information about her life. It's a kind of long, but definitely interesting.

Christmas Eve

My brother is going to propose to his girlfriend tonight at church.

There is a lot of snow.

I knit a scarf really fast yesterday night + like 20 minutes this morning.

Tonight for dinner I made dolma from grape leaves (meat wrapped in grape leaves). They're still cooking, I hope they turn out okay.

At church I'm going to sing, "O Holy Night".

I made contact with my birth father's family, talked to my grandma and some of my aunts and Uncles. They say that I look a lot like my father, which is so strange to hear. I spend my life not looking like anyone in my family, then I find out I do look like someone whom I've never met. It's not bad, just really really strange. I also found some letters from when he was alive, and in one he wrote to my mother that he would take full responsibility for "his child". That would be me. They weren't married when she got pregnant, and I think they broke up shortly after. But he still wanted to take responsibility for me. My grandma, aunts and uncles all said that he was a really nice guy (my father). Soft-spoken, liked to help people.

I also found out that my Grandma is pretty cool. She's full-blooded German named Hannelore. She's 70, and she works full-time at Walmart on the night shift. I'm pretty impressed.

Tonight at church, I'm going to sing "Away in a Manger" too, accompanied by the auto-harp. It's the same song, same accompanying instrument and same accompanist as the last time I sang that song at church when I was 8 and my birth mother was still alive.

I've got lots of thoughts. Lots of different feelings. Trying to filter them all through the Truth of who God is and not become overwhelmed.

once upon a time in Georgia...

Some pictures of me with Irma & David and Marina before I left. If you have no idea who I'm talking about or who these people are, you can ask me and I will gladly inform you. :-)

(Irma did my hair. Lovely!)

Aren't they cute?

paaaatience.

You know what I realized (re-realized....took a moment from denying....) that I'm entirely NOT patient. Like, not at all. And that's a real problem for me.

Also, I struggle to trust: people, myself, and still (if you can believe it after the amazing things He continues to do in my life and in the lives of those around me)--God.

And I learned that I really shouldn't watch "Extreme Makeover- Home Edition" because it makes me cry.

But back to the serious stuff...

I can see though, that God has brought me a long way in both of those things. I remember back in the day with my friend Tawna (like when I was in high school and such) and we'd be having conversations about God and about knowing Him more and living out of that knowledge, and I was so impatient. I wanted to be in that perfect place of knowing Him NOW. I didn't want to go through any of the things that would cause me to grow into that place. I just wanted to be there in that very moment.

I'm grateful though that He either quenched or just eradicated some of that impatience and He's helped me to make it this far...and it's been quite a long road.

So, I'm trying to hold onto that past experience and knowledge and walk through these days with that in hand, heart and mind. I don't want to waste my life by always looking forward to what will be--and missing what's in front of me.

That rhymed, didn't it? Catchy.

SOOO... Lord, please help me.

In other news, it's snowing A LOT. Ginormous amounts. This is what the window in my room looks like:

But thankfully, we have those base board heater things, so I'm not freezing to death. Just my window.

Okay, I love you guys! Thanks for reading and being interested in what's-a-happening.

New Camera Fettish

My brother's dog decapitated her toy cow.

Creepy chair covers (at night when I walk by them, they kind of scare me if I forget that they are there...)

My Mom has a Santa fettish.

Our family's stockings (note: "Toot" is my Mom's aunt who lives with us)

Little Christmas tree.

Big Christmas tree.

Snow + my dirty car (from driving on slushy freeways)

somewhere over snoqualmie...

So, I made it safely over the pass. It wasn't even that exciting. No massive snow drifts. Not even a lot of cars. But I'm grateful that I made it safely. Thanks for the concern!

Here's some pictures that I took with my NEW camera!





I love Washington.

to tell you the truth...

I went to a really great concert last night! I forgot how much I enjoy live music, especially when it's good. Check this guy out (Noah Gunderson)--I was greatly impressed with his music and with the content of his songs. They made my heart warm.

One thing I really really love about winter: how, at night after it's snowed a bit and this are dusted white, the sky like glows. It's incredibly beautiful. It's night, but not dark, but not light--just amazing. I love it. I want to just sit outside and stare at the sky, if only I could do that without freezing to death.

One thing I'm not sure about--how I'll get over the pass with all this snow. I'm not leaving until Tuesday, so I guess there is some time for it to settle down. But this is one of those situations when I seriously wish I had a travel buddy (call him a husband, if you'd like). Just being honest.

stinging nettles and sushi

You would not believe how much food I ate today. This is the fullest I've been in a long time. And I feel bittersweet about it. Part of me is like, "It's okay that you ate like 80 pieces of sushi because they don't have sushi in Georgia". And the other part of me is like, "I hope you don't make this a habit again, because your Mom and Dad did just buy you new clothes for Christmas, and you want to wear them for a long time."

But I also walked like 3 miles with my friend Lauren, around Greenlake today.

You know, I was in the car on my way home and I was talking with another friend about pictures and keeping them and organizing them and everything and then I realized how much of our life centers on this electronic media (and some non-electronic)--pictures. And then I thought,"what are the pros and cons of the abundance of pictures and the ability to take such real pictures?" For some reason I felt like it was a really like intellectual thought. I mean, what if the fact that we can see such real pictures of places that we've never seen in real life like somehow cheapens that amazing thing...? But then again, I love looking at pictures. The other day I was in University Bookstore and I spent like probably 30 minutes looking through this book of National Geographic pictures, and was just completely enamored.

Okay, I guess my intellectualness is done now.

Oh! I'm taking Freeze Dried Nettle Leaf supplements now, it's supposed to help my allergies (if I even have allergies). But it seems so wacky to me to be ingesting something that is so physically painful when you touch it. Unless there is a difference between stinging nettle and just plain nettle. But I'm assuming there's not.

I want to smell things!

So, I'm in Everett now--for a little over a week.

I feel like time is starting to go quickly now and I want it to slow down a bit, seriously. But I think part of my problem has been: 1) wasting time on the computer instead of finding more valuable things to do. 2) Not focusing on the "now"...living too much in the future or in the past (in my mind) and not being able to appreciate the things that are in front of me at this very moment! 3) Just bad time management in general (you know, watching the hour long trading spaces instead of packing to come to Everett--therefore moving my whole schedule back an hour +, and then not getting enough sleep, being tired...etc.)

But I'm grateful for today. :-)

I'm on antibiotics now for a sinus infection--at least I hope that's what it is and that it will go away very very soon. I started on Friday and I'm still pretty stuffed up. Maybe I need to take decongestant too? Maybe it's allergies? Feeling a little weary of all my nose problems...but hey, at least I have a nose? So I'm still trying to be grateful in spite of my circumstance. It would be really nice to be able to smell though...

angels and bazaars.

very beatufil eye..you kind angel???

Yes, I did just get this message + friend request from a guy on Facebook named "fa ze".

I guess I'll take that as a compliment, but I did not accept his Facebook friendship offer--sorry fa ze.

Yesterday I went with my Dad to a Christmas bazaar in Odessa. It was pretty cool. Two of my Aunts were there too, and one of my Uncles. My Aunt Lois taught me how to crochet. My Uncle Dave kept threatening to pull the string on the scarf I was knitting (which would therefore unravel it all). But I had a really great day.

My Dad is so cool, he designs all these wooden toys and makes them and sells them at bazaars. Here's a picture or two.

Getting things set up

Dad with his toys

A closer view

Me with Dad (we sat at this table from like 9am-7pm)

It was a great day!

note(s) to self

If you ever have a house that you decorate (either you're living in it for a long period of time, or you own it)--NEVER decorate with silk/plastic flowers. No questions, just don't do it. This is merely a cleaning resolution...remember trying to dust those things? Does not work well. And real flowers are prettier anyways.

When and if you have the joy of being pregnant, do not wear long shirts. They do not accentuate the bump in the middle and are not very pleasing to the eye (when pregnant). This is not written because of anyone specific, just observations have proven this to be true.

Please, don't dye your hair ever again. Not that it's wrong, but just don't do it. When you go gray, wear it proudly. And hopefully your body will benefit from choosing not to expose yourself to the massive amounts of chemicals that are in hair dye.

Talk with your children (if they ever exist), find out who they are. You may have given them DNA, and you will influence them by your presence--but they have a unique God-given personality that you need to discover and encourage. Talk. Spend time with them. Love them for who they are.

Actually, do the above with all people (even though you probably won't be DNA related with most of them).

Surrender everything to God, always. Every desire, dream, plan, failure, striving, stress, joy, success... you get the picture. Seriously, you will waste your life if you hold onto things that you cannot control. Either by emotionally traumatizing your body or by just wasting your time.

Note(s) to self.

taking action-- looking OUTward

" And we urge you, brothers, warn those who are idle, encourage the timid, help the weak, be patient with everyone. Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always try to be kind to each other and to everyone else.

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

Do not put out the Spirit's fire; do not treat prophecies with contempt. Test everything. Hold on to the good. Avoid every kind of evil.

May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. The one who calls you is faithful and will do it."

-1 Thessalonians 5:14-24

I am just so tempted when I come home to get caught up in the, "it's all about me" thing. Which it most definitely is not (all about me), because I am not the only being on this planet.

But I read this this morning and was encouraged to take action to encourage, help, warn. To be patient and kind and to hold onto good. To give thanks and be joyful.

I'm thankful for the reminder. I've been here less than a week, and I was already feeling the laziness kick in. Especially (I think this is the life-long illness with children) when my Mom would ask me to do something, I'm sometimes so slow to do it...and sometimes don't do it at all. So, I'm trying to grow up.

Speaking of growing up...I feel old! (But remember in my last post, I said I used to be afraid of getting old...but now I think that age makes things more beautiful and meaningful?...so it's not a bad thing-- just shocking sometimes). Last night my mom's friend came over with her 2 kids that my brother Josh and I basically spent a lot of our childhood with. And those 2 kids (who used to be like 5 and 7) are HUGE now! Seriously taller than both Josh and I, and all grown up and driving and playing football and stuff. I WISH I would've taken a picture.

Now would be the best time to get a camera, because then I'd have the new-camera fettish where you take pictures of everything. And then I wouldn't have any regrets about not taking pictures of people during my time home. Sheesh. :-)

Okay, off to decorate the house for Christmas with Mom!

big cold friends

I had a great time hanging out with some old friends today. I used to fear getting older. Sometimes I still do (well, the physical ailment of it at least). But I think that my life and relationships seem more significant and meaningful than they did before. Maybe this is just the normal thing that comes along with "maturing", and I haven't discovered anything new. But it's okay, I'm not trying to be revolutionary. This is new stuff-- new feelings, new ideas-- for me. And I'm finding much joy in these little revelations.

By the way, I think I had been away from Ephrata for way too long when I was packing my bags (to come here). Because I specifically remember choosing NOT to bring my long underwear or thick tights because, "it would be warmer here". Well, I was wrong on that one. Today I went on a walk with a friend, and after like 15 minutes my thighs were frozen through. Seriously. But I guess I was right in the fact that it's warmer in houses and in my nice, cute little heated car.

Hey guys, God is big. Bigger than you or I can imagine. Of course, there are many logical things about Him. But there are much more than many things about Him that seem completely illogical, and don't make sense. But He's still God. And I am still choosing and going to choose to trust Him.

in the us

So, I don't know what it was, but for a few days there I seriously could not access my blog. It's like somehow my internet provider in Georgia blocked the site or something...but why? Maybe that wasn't the real problem. But I'm grateful it's working now.

I'm in America, by the way! Ephrata, to be exact.

I'm totally exhausted after not sleeping for basically 2 whole days and being in transit for at least 24 of those hours, if not more. TIRED. But I had a pretty good trip. The flights were okay, I sat by nice people, my layover was relaxed, customs let me take my beloved Georgian food items through (tkemali, preserved figs, etc.) and my parents picked me up at the airport! We ate dinner and then drove another 3 hourish to get to Ephrata. I was conked out in the back seat. Seriously. We got into Ephrata and my mom was like, "look honey, we're in Ephrata!" and I was like, "that's nice"-in my slightly delusioned state, and returned to trying to sleep. But I hope I'll get rested soon.

:-)

6 days

I'm leaving for America in 6 days. 6 days. The idea of going has seemed so far away to me, that I really have shock (excited shock) that it's coming up so soon.

So, I'm already trying to practice my self-control skills, you know like in eating. Since I'm going home around 2 of the biggest food/eating holidays of the year, I want to make sure I'm not eating too much (especially of that good American food that I haven't eaten for 14 months)... :-).

What else? Also, I'm trying to get things in order before I go. I must say that one thing I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO happy about (really really happy) is that I don't have to pack up my entire room and find a place for my stuff when I go, because I have my OWN room that I will RETURN TO when I come back!! I cannot explain how huge of a thing that is for me. I've had to do that so many times--pack for a trip and then pack up my room to leave for the trip--and it is like 80 times more stressful. So, thank you Lord (and thank you supporters) for an apartment that I don't have to move out of (at least not now).

6 days.

readers

So you know, internet is back!

Actually, it has been for a few days...so you would think that I maybe would've posted something. But now, I waste my internet time on facebook and news.

And so today I had the slight whim to write something semi-meaningful here, but now after an hour and half of doing non-blogging things, it's left and I can't really imitate what would have come out in the moment of inspiration. So sorry.

But I think part of my problem, is that I have no idea what kind of audience I'm writing too--like a real one or an imaginary one that comes along with signing up for a blog (like the one that you think/hope reads your blog...but that doesn't really exist). And not that I would necessarily change a lot about my writing...but I think there's some more inspiration when I know that my words are read and enjoyed.

Eeehhhh-ni-ways.

fantabulous video

Here's a video of one of my high school friends. It's so cool to see her in this! And also, there's footage of my fabulous hometown, Ephrata! So for those of you who are not Ephratians...take a look!

waiting period

So how is this for Georgia: the internet finally gets installed at my house after a waiting period of more than 2 months, and 4 days after they install it the internet company gets shut down because they didn't pay the phone bill.
*Jenni laughs at the ridiculousness while thinking what to do now*

I was never into that whole taking about yourself in the third person and surrounding it with astericks thing, but it seemed appropriate.

So I just got back from spending 3 days in Gardbani. My initial plan was to spend just one night, but ended up staying more... But it was a good break from my busy life in Tbilisi. Gardbani is a small town (even smaller than Ephrata), so it's more peaceful. And also it kind of has become my equivalent to visiting "home", like I did when I was in college, because Diana's mom cooks special food, and really takes care of us. So it was really nice not to think about what to feed myself, or about cleaning the house, or to be overwhelmed with the plethora of opportunities for busyness in Tbilisi.

But now I'm back, and the craziness starts again tomorrow. Honestly I think there are plenty of people who are much more busy than I am, but I FEEL very busy. Partly due to bad time management and my inability to do all the things I WANT to do (knit hundreds of scarves, paint things, learn how to crochet, cook interesting food, read through the 5 books that I've started reading and haven't finished, play my guitar and make beautiful music, walk around Tbilisi enjoying the beauty of fall, etc.) which leads me to this unsatisfied feeling. And also I think I've begun to give more attention to God's work than to God Himself. And that message has been resounding all around me for some time, but I feel stuck as how to bring it into application in my life at this moment. Not that I don't know what I should do, or what the outcome should look like.. I just really am struggling with my application skills. *Sighs a bit tiredly (tired from the worries of life and from wanting physical sleep as well)*

I hope that my desire to write those asterick things soon passes. Ok, I'd better go- my thumb is cramping from writing too much on my small cellphone keys.. (but seriously, I am so grateful for predictive text!).

By the way, if you have not listened to the Jon Foreman season EPs, please do. They will enrich your life.

the rumor

So, the rumor on the street is that some guy from the Caucasus Net office is supposed to come and install internet at my house tomorrow. But I do live in Georgia.

BUT, if he does come, this might actually turn into a blog where you can read about my life and what I'm doing and stuff. Until then, posting from my Nokia N73...

Oh, I am alive, by the way.

why I like winter

I was sick yesterday. I think it was the first time since my DTS outreach in Khulo, that I've stayed in bed sick. It was, although unenjoyable being sick, quite enjoyable resting. I didn't know I could sleep so much. I was in bed most of the day, and then I went to sleep at 1am, and slept absolutely solidly until 10am. It was crazy. But good. I'm better today. I think it was some kind of food poisoning or something.

The weather is changing, too soon. Actually, it's been quite unpredictable. A couple weeks ago it was so hard to tell. It would be rainy and cold in the morning, like even until 12ish, and then it would get hot. And now, I've had the hope (unmet) for the last few days that that's what would happen now too. But it's just staying rainy and cold. :-(. I guess there's a time for everything though. So, to counter my depressive outlook on the coming winter weather months I'm going to make a list of all the things (that my mind can come up with now) that I like about this time of year.

WHAT I LIKE ABOUT DREARY WINTER WEATHER MONTHS:
•I can wear sweatshirts, and just a lot of layers of clothing in general (which covers up the love handles!)
•Being able to drink hot things (tea, coffee, etc) and enjoy the fact that it makes your insides warm (it's not so enjoyable to make your insides warm in the summertime when your outsides are warm too)
•Scarves. SCARVES. I like them.
•Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Years festivals, celebrations, FOOD
•Christmas music (SOME...not all, but I can't deny that I like it a bit)
•The back-to-school feeling (I still have it, man)
•Sitting by a heat-producing source (fire, gas heater, another person) when you've been cold for a prolonged period of time
•How pretty it is when it's snowed overnight and you wake up in the morning and see it before it gets destroyed by cars and people.
•I get to wear my big ug-ish slippers and the various knitted socks that people have given/made for me
•Fudge (although that is only something I get to experience when I'm in America, or when my Mom and Dad very kindly and cool-parent-like send me a package containing fudge during the holidays)
•KNITTING. Oh yeah. It's a new hobby for me, just started last year. I still don't know that much about it, basically only how to go forward (nothing about fixing my mistakes or anything) but I like it SO MUCH.

There you go. So, I'm excited winter is coming. I think it will be grand. :-)

NEW SONG

Hi there! Another new song.

LIFE AS A TREE (inspired by Psalm 1 and this last year in Georgia)

LYRICS:

A seed was gently laid
And now it's changed
Into a tree
And that is me

My roots are going down
Into the ground
Breaking through
Painfully

But life as a tree
Is much more interesting
Than life as a seed
Than life as a seed

I've been planted on
A river's shore
So I'll not thirst
and I'll not wither

And so my fruit will be
Oh so sweet
And lovely
Lovely

My Gardener, He
Is an expert, you see
My Gardener, He
Is an expert, you see

My life has changed drastically
But not suddenly
It's taken time
And it'll take much more

the limit of my imagination

It's so funny. Maybe funny is not the right word, but I mean like, funny: strange-surprising-why-I-didn't-realize-it-then-but-now-totally-cool-and-exciting.

I remember when I was in, I think middle school or maybe early high school (so somewhere between the ages of 13-16ish) and I was at a Christian youth group. And I vaguely remember this feeling that I had that it was just too hard to become a committed Christian. To give everything up and live totally according to God's ways. I thought that meant like social DEATH. I thought I would be so constricted and prohibited and stuffed inside a box labeled, "good Christian"...and become inevitably, miserable.

It wasn't like I was plotting my wickedness, although it may not sound so innocent, but I was really just ignorant. I had the wrong idea of who God was.

This is all coming to my mind now because of what's happening in my relationship with God presently. God really is speaking to me and guiding me in my everyday things, I see that He is relevant and involved in every part of life (not just in church), I see that He cares and that He loves, I see that He created beauty and color and He wants to see it, I see that He is holy and He wants me to be like Him, I see that I can't do it on my own, but I see His helping hand/heart/voice/love that is comforting and encouraging and helps me to change. And I see that world view--the way we see the world and God and everything around and in us--is so incredibly important. And that correcting our world view can change everything, for good.

I've come to a place in my life where I'm really trying to give everything to God and live according to His ways. And I can say that it has not led to social death or to a boxed-up miserable life as a "good Christian", like I thought before-- but I have found so much more than I ever imagined. And I love it.

But don't be fooled, it's not easy. And I'm no champion. But I'm trying and God is being who He is.

parentheses

I'm doing a quick internet run this morning (I still don't have internet at my house, so I have to find other means) before we are off to the Gori-area for 3 days to spend time helping people who were affected by the war!

Here's a video of a new song...not a music video (although I guess it is a music video)...but just the recording I did right after I wrote it, so that I wouldn't forget how it went (and actually I "wrote" some of it while I was recording too)!

These are the lyrics (how they should be, not necessarily exactly how I sing them in the video):

let this be the start, of an outpouring from my heart
that is endless
flowing into words, flying out my mouth
accompanied by music

I never knew if I was a poet
but now I see there is no other way

if I want a song that's beautiful and meaningful
then that's what I need to be
Lord free me from my fear of what people will think
and how they'll critique

bring me to the place the beautiful meadow
where creativity is birthed and grown

I really need to learn how to write without using parentheses (although they are so helpful at times). They really make things visually obscure. :-)

desks

For some reason I have the back-to-school feeling that I used to have when I was in grade-school. Maybe because it's September 1st, it's also 2:22am and I can't sleep, and my friend just let me know that she's getting ready to leave to the airport to fly to Italy to study there for 2 years--I think it's the combination.

I remember I really used to get excited for school though, and it lasted anywhere between a few days to a week to a new desk change (really, I remember there were 2 types of desks...ones that opened on the top, and ones that were just open on the side.. and it really helped, that change of environment, to make things more exciting).

I also remember once, I think I was in 3rd grade and my assigned seat was by this boy I liked. And I don't remember exactly how it all went down, but somehow my friend told him that I liked him and I remember I was so embarrassed that I hid my head inside my top-opening desk. Talk about awkward. I could have asked to use the bathroom pass and left the room, but instead I was sitting right next to him with my head inside my desk... oi mey. But it was very convenient that I had that kind at the time--it's a lot harder to hide your head in the open side ones.

Well there you go, a brief glimpse into my past-life.

"the life of our mission is people"

It must have been kind of disappointing. I was in a posting-frenzy, and then nothing for weeks. Sorry guys.

I'm in my new apartment now, and there's still no internet..so that's partly why.

I'm alive. Been very busy with moving, helping visiting teams, hanging out with our people, just a lot of things. It's been hot at night, sometimes too hot to sleep, so that's been taking a lot of my energy. Busyness + lack of sleep.

I had a good time with a visiting team from Ukraine, we went downtown to talk with the street kids and beggars. We gave them sandwiches and just spent some time with them. It was really great. Also, not so great but still exciting, I said goodbye to my friend who is moving with her family to Rwanda. I'm just excited for her to be there, and excited that maybe I could go visit her there! I really want to! Today went to an orphanage with the team from Ukraine, it's good because I was just there a few weeks ago and the kids still remember me. Building relationships. Went to a Georgian party last night: the owners of the house that Marina and I were living in before, returned. And so the neighbors, whom I befriended during my time there, had a party. I helped to make khinkali!! It was pretty fun too. Tomorrow we (Marina + kids and me) are going to Gardabani to help Diana (YWAM staff+friend) with their kid's program at their church. It's the first meeting (not ever, but the first one in a long time) and so hopefully that will be good too.

I'm learning a lot about having real faith. Persevering in relationship (sometimes making steps towards that and sometimes making mistakes (voluntary, usually) away from that...but definitely learning about the topic and hoping to see some victory soon!). Just getting more established here in YWAM Tbilisi and in what I'm doing. Building some new ideas for what I'd like to do/what God will call me to do, in the future. I realized that this was happening (this establishment) a few weeks ago, and I had this picture of like a tree putting it's roots down, and then remembered Psalm 1. "Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers. But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers." I want to be like that, in what I'm doing here in Georgia. My roots are going down (at least for now) and I want them to be planted by God's stream so that I bear fruit because of God's power through me and in me. Of course, I wish I could paint that word picture more beautifully (it's a little more detailed than that in my head) but I hope you understand.

So, this is my life.

"The life of our mission is people."

NEW SONG

Trees and Stars

sitting

Today I went into one store to buy something to eat (I walked a lot and was hungry), so I bought these 2 little sausage things. But on the steps of the store was a little old woman begging for money, and I realized that I couldn't just walk past her eating my sausages. So I offered her one and sat down with her and ate. She told me a bit about her life. Her husband died like 14 years ago, her kids & grandkids died too (if I understood correctly), and she sits on this step everyday begging for money. She also lives far away, so she has to take the metro and then a marshutka (van) to get there. It was really, sweet is not the right word, but just really memorable: sitting on the steps to a Nicora store eating a tiny sausage with an old beggar woman. But I'm thinking now, is there something more I could've done?

So I guess there's still this war in Georgia. I mean, not officially, but Russia is still here, and it's starting to get annoying. I read a headline just now that said, "US demands Russian troops to leave Georgia". So we'll see where that goes...

procrastination

I was reading through some of my old posts (in other words, procrastinating on writing my newsletter due to my inability to filter through all the information/experiences of the past 10 days) and I long so much to re-experience those first days in Georgia! Maybe not entirely, maybe as like an outsider watching me or something. But really. You know, pre-war-time. Pre-knowledge-of-the-language. Pre-knowldege-of the culture. Pre-a-lot-of-things.

Oh, and you can check out some pictures from our Summer Missions School here.

I am

I am... alive/fine/okay/still in Georgia/now in Tbilisi/not leaving any time soon.

Jenni's Journeys #8

After my initial blabbering, there is some music! My friend Ia and I sing 2 Georgian songs! :-) (come on Blogger, couldn't you have picked a better preview shot?)

today...tomorrow

Today...

-I turned my alarm off in my sleep
-I woke up late
-I left my house late
-But still met up with the people I needed to in the end
-I saw a big group of my gypsy friends in the metro
-I went to an orphanage
-I went to the Bazroba
-And bought like "8 kilos" of tomatoes for 3.50 lari
-But I'm not sure if it was really "8 kilos", maybe more like 5, but the lady said 8
-I came home
-I showered
-I talked to a lady about buying some of her stuff
-Like a coffee maker, dishes, pots & pans, a bookshelf, for my new apartment
-But I'm not sure how I'll pay for it all yet, and still make it until August 7th
-But God knows my situation, and I don't think I'm making bad choices
-I went to the neighbors' house and talked with them for like 3 1/2 hours
-We made lots of plans: go to the lake, learn how to make cake, go to the village
-And we talked about God and church
-And how in church, the actions mean nothing if your heart isn't in it
-We also talked about "I Am Legend"
-Then I came home again
-I ate some adjika+mayonaise on bread with tomatoes
-And after I'm done with this I will get ready for bed

...and it's already tomorrow!

God really works things out.

I don't know why all of a sudden these days I'm in like updating-my-blog-mood, but I guess it's good for you guys. :-)

So right now Marina & I are in apartment finding mode because we need to move out of this house by August 27th (the kind family who let us stay here while they were in America is returning on the 28th). And today we found the most "magari" (cool) apartment. Seriously! It's newly remodeled, not 100% Western, but a lot more Western than most Georgian apartments. It has 2 bedrooms, one for me and one for Marina. A cute living room. A super cute bathroom. The lady is going to buy a washing machine. There's hot water. AND it's like 5 minutes from our current YWAM office, also the place where we will hold our DTS! So I'm very excited!!

It's also really interesting, because yesterday we looked at an apartment, and it was nice, but not totally what we needed, but I was really tempted to say, "ok!! we'll take it." because I was thinking that we wouldn't find another and our time is running out. But God really worked things out and it's so exciting. We still haven't given a 100% sure yes to the lady yet, because although I'm like 99% sure, we were advised to wait just a bit to make sure it's the right choice. And so we'll call in the morning and let her know.

Anyways, just wanted to share that news!! Please be praying for us though, that we will for sure make the right choice. And also it will be more expensive to live there, so I think I will need some more finances. And we will be in a new neighborhood (well, not a new area, but a new apartment building, and in Georgian culture relationships are VERY important), so I'm sure we will have a lot of new people to get to know. But it's way cool and I am dzalian mixaria (very happy!!).

forecast

*cries a bit*

Forecast next 6 days (T'bilisi)

Sunday	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday
low: 71 °F high: 104 °F	low: 74 °F high: 104 °F	low: 71 °F high: 101 °F	low: 69 °F high: 100 °F	low: 70 °F high: 99 °F	low: 62 °F high: 95 °F

my Georgian love

Two things.

I think God has either given me a die-hard stomach, or just like extra protection from sickness, because I can count the times that I've been like stomach-sick while living in Georgia on one hand. AND I drink water from the tap, and eat really local food. I just realized how great it is, and I really praise God for that.

And another. So I think my mid-life crisis wasn't really a mid-life crisis, just a lot of emotions gathered into one spot inside of me and it felt like it was too much to take. But I DID realize a few things this last week, and I'll share those thoughts with you:

COMMITMENT.

Although I've never been married, I've heard this example used many times. That when you're get married you go through a "lovey-dovey" stage. Everything is new and cute and nice. And then after a while (that time can vary I guess) you come to face the reality that you've committed yourself to this person for the rest of your life, with their faults and annoying habits and everything that you maybe weren't so aware of in the first stage. But then I believe, in the best cases, the husband and wife together work on it and through it and come out with a deeper love and understanding for each other. And I can say that me and Georgia are in this right now.

I think basically from the moment my feet touched Georgian soil, I was in love. I'm not sure how, or why exactly, or what inspired it, probably a lot of things, but it just happened. Now I've lived here for about 20 months and I can say that although I still love greatly, I'm beginning to be challenged with some things that weren't challenging before. Just in the culture, the traditions, the pseudo-persecution of being a technically protestant but preferably called "Biblical" Christian in an Orthodox Christian country, and the fact that I am still a foreigner and people can usually tell (although I've begun to blend in more than before) which always seems to leave me with the feeling that this is not quite my home, and etc. And when these things and more are realized and felt, I feel a little bit like running away. To America. Or just to another country to have that new love feeling that I had with Georgia before.

BUT, I'm committed to Georgia for this time in my life, and I can't just run away. I won't.

And this is definitely teaching me a lot.

Commitment, commitment, commitment.

I have the hope, that when these challenges are worked through a bit (could they all be worked through completely?), I will have a deeper love and understanding for this country that I'm choosing to live my life in and these people that I'm choosing to live my life with.

Mid-Life Crisis...

I feel a bit like I'm having a mid-life crisis. Is that normal?

I'm heading out on Wednesday for Kobuleti, for a summer project with the Campus Crusade people. It will be for one week. Just so you know.

MUSIC

Hey! So, I have a music myspace and I put a new song up, so check it out! I actually wrote it when I was in Turkey on DTS outreach, but it's the first time I've recorded it. It's called, "Servant's Eyes".

housewives and cupcakes

I'm not really sure how it happened, but I've become a housewife and I don't even have a husband.

Irma

Well, I know how it happened, I believe God brought me to this place.

But I mean seriously, since Marina started to live with me, I have 2 kids and a house to take care of (but not on my own), and I do things like make pizza and cupcakes and give children baths and read books about raising kids and stuff like that. It's really strange, I like it, but when I really think about it, it's a little crazy. And also, basically all day I'm talking in Georgian because Marina doesn't really know English, and it's crazy because I don't even like really know Georgian that well, but I think for the most part we understand each other.

David

I really like the fact that I have my "own" house though, and I can have my things out like my colorful Turkish coffee cups without having to worry that another guest or someone will use it/break it/think it belongs to the hotel or something (because before I was staying at the "Vazi" which is sort of a "hotel" for Christians and missionaries, and is also where we hold our DTS, but there were people frequently coming in and out). But the bittersweet thing is that though I have my "own" house for now, in just like 2 months the owners are coming back from America, and I'm off to another place, that is still to be determined.

But I'm learning to enjoy each day as I have it. Because at least for now I'm living in a way cool old Georgian house with grape vines and pomegranate trees in the yard with a great view of Tbilisi. And I'm learning a lot about life. So I am grateful.

Marina & I

NOTE: For those of you who don't know, Marina was one of our DTS students and was on my outreach team. She's a new Christian (formerly Muslim) who's husband was beating her and is now in jail. She has 2 kids, Irma-3 years, David-8 months and she's going to join us on staff here with YWAM Tbilisi.

Gekvecebi

So tomorrow is our DTS graduation, and I spent all this time working on a slideshow/movie, and also another thing of student interviews. I think I worked for nearly 8 hours straight, and I finished and wanted to put it on a DVD, and lo and behold I discover that my disk drive is not working, like a serious mechanical problem! At first I was very stressed out, but then, praise the Lord, I calmed down and realized that it's going to be ok. Our base leader has an external disk burner I can use and I'm planning on coming home in like 5 months anyways, so I can get the problem fixed then, unless something miraculous happens and it begins to work, and I'm totally ok with that too.

Since DTS is over for now (until next March), I'm faced with the question(s) of what I want to do during these next 7 months, and what God wants me to do, and how I can make an impact on this country, and on peoples' lives, and on my own life too. Big questions.

Trains

We're on our way to Tbilisi now, on a night train. The first time I took this train more than a year ago, I thought it was for like an eternity: 8 hours! But when we went to Armenia we took the train, and it was like 16 hours, so this feels like nothing now! And besides, there are some trains that go for like days, in Russia and stuff, so I guess I don't have it that bad! :-)

But I'm really excited to be back in Tbilisi, even though it will be for only 1 week. We will have debrief, I'll move into the house I'll be staying in for like 2 months while one family goes on vacation, and then I'm off to Kiev for a week with Diana for a staff conference.

Me and the Black Sea

The rain stopped, now the weather is really nice! Hooray!

Me and the Black Sea

Botanical English

It's raining. A lot.

Yesterday we went to the Botanical Gardens in Batumi, and the first part of the trip was ok! It was a little windy, and a little rain, but not much. But THEN it started and it didn't stop. Some of our people went with some guy in his car and got to a marshutka and then they came and "rescued" us and the guy took us all the way home which was nice.

I got good news yesterday, someone asked me to stay in theis house this summer! So now I'm communicating with them about the details, like having Marina live with me (she's one of our DTS students- single mom with 2 kids) and I really hope it works out. It sounds quite perfect for us, so I'm really excited about it! :-)

Since it's raining, I think we will stay home today. We were going to go and help the other team (our DTS split into 2 outreach teams, at the beginning our teams were in different places, but now we are close to each other), with this English club they started in their village, but I guess not today.

I really live in a rainforest.

fireflies, mushmala and war

I saw fireflies for the first time in my life last night. I'd always seen/heard about them in movies and have always dreamed to see them.. and when I finally did, I was like bursting with excitement. Really.

Also I've eaten mushmala for the first time in my life. That's the Georgian name, I have no idea how to say it in English, but it's a super tropical looking tree with super tasty fruit. I don't know, it's sort of like a mix between an apricot and an orange, with 4 odd looking seeds inside.

Also, I'm at war right now, really. Inside myself. Battling all these things- wrong ideas & beliefs- that have been bred by my past. Like that I'm unloveable, that my friends will eventually get tired of me and leave, that people say that they like me but they don't really mean it.. and also my wrong behaviors that come out of trying to quench the need that's left or to ease the pain that comes from believing and thinking these things. I want to change. Today I was standing on our balcony (at our host home in Gonio that's like a 10 minute walk from the Black Sea), and the sun was setting over the sea. On one side it was dark and gray, on the other- where the sun was setting- it was sort of "messy" but incredibly beautiful. Bright orange and yellow light, whitish clouds, some still dark ones.. and I said to my friend who was with me: "That looks exciting", and I feel that it's a picture of what's happening with me.

I feel like I'm living in a rainforest, literally. Ok, vsio.

I LOVE Georgia.

I'm in Georgia! We just crossed the border and now we are on our way to Batumi. In my last email I talked about how we weren't sure where to go next... But God really opened up doors and we are on our way! We've already been in the van/marshutka for more than 4 hours, and we have 8 or 9 to go.


Please be praying for me/our outreach team, we have 12 more days in Batumi, then 1 more week in Tbilisi, and we are already a little tired! So PLEASE pray.

Sending my love from a red, Ford, 15 passenger van, Jenni

armenia

Hi there. I know that I haven't been writing here very much, which kind of defeats it's purpose (to tell you about my life and what I've been doing). But I can say much of the reason for my lack of writing is because I have to use an internet cafe computer, and I find it hard to be inspired here. But nonetheless, here I am.

Things in Armenia have been very busy! And very hot too. It's only the end of April and it really feels like summer. And the locals are more suprised than we are. It makes me wonder if this whole global warming thing is really true (some say it's not).

During our time here we were able to participate in the memorial day of the Armenian Genocide (it's in memory of the more than a million and a half Armenians that were killed by the Ottoman Empire (basically Turkey) and it's a source of much pain for Armenians even today. I think mostly because some people, namely Turkey, refuses to acknowledge it as a genocide. And so this pain is being passed from generation to generation. For more info see: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Armenian_Genocide). I'm kind of afraid to write so "nonchalantly" about this. I can say it's only from lack of knowledge. So, go ahead and read about it for yourselves.

Anyways, we participated in this memorial day. We met with a Norwegian DTS outreach team and 2 of the staff from the Armenian YWAM base here, and began our walk with thousands (I can't necessarily say that I saw thousands of people, although my estimation skills are not that good, but I've heard that every year more than a million people participate in this event) in the blazing heat (we all came out with various forms of sunburns). We walked a very long distance carrying flowers, some carrying banners or photos, and ended up at a monument commemorating the genocide. In the middle is an eternal flame for the people who died. We took our flowers and put it around that flame, and then continued to walk to the finish. I think it took a couple of hours, although it could of seemed longer because of the heat, but it was still significant.

So yeah. We are here. Sometimes I forget that I'm in Armenia (and sometimes I feel like I grew up here), and then when I realize, I am very grateful to God that I'm here. And that I'm with the people I'm with (our outreach team). And that I'm learning the things I'm learning (a lot).

Jenni's Journeys #7

Pushing Forward

Oy mey! I am very tired. Partly because of lack of sleep (due to my inability to go to sleep early, while still waking up early) plus just the general stress of being in the 11th week of DTS, and the fact that we are leaving for outreach in 11 days! Oh, and the Armenian DTS is here for the teaching this week, which means double the people and double the food and I'm on dinner prep!

But in other news, some info about outreach: we are now going to Armenia for our first month and then we're hoping to go to a town in Georgia called Akhal Kalaki for the 2nd month. We still have a lot of details to work out, but that is our general plan.

Please be praying for us this week since we have so much happening now and so much to do! Also the teaching this week is really great and potentially life changing, about our personalities and why we do the things we do.
SENDING MY LOVE, jenniko

DTS- Team Building

Objectionable Content

So I'm pretty sure I just accidentally flagged my blog as having objectionable content. Oops.

Today we are having team building and then at 3 we will start a 24 hour prayer and fast. The team building will be different activities that illustrate various aspects of working in a team (it's like preparation for outreach). Like building balloon towers and macaroni pictures and stuff like that, really. But there's more to it than that! I think it will be really fun.

Other than that... the weather has been incredibly beautiful these past couple days and the sun really changes the mood of things. :-)

Technology ROCKS!

Hey friends! So part of the reason I have been very absent here is because our internet at home (Vazi) stopped working. But yesterday I bought a new cell phone and that is how I am writing this! Technology rocks.

So we just finished our 7th week of DTS and that means there are only 5 weeks to go before outreach! Our school will split into two teams for outreach: the team I will be on will be going to...ARMENIA!

I am very excited about this for 2 reasons. 1) I have never been to Armenia. 2) Although I am not 100% sure, I have heard that my birthmother who was adopted as a baby, was Armenian! So it will be a very interesting outreach for me! We will also spend half the time in Georgia...but we don't know where yet.

So, woo-hoo! :-) I will try to send out a newsletter soon to update you all better.

Anyways, sending you my love from my cell phone! <3

us

So we are heading into our 6th week of DTS now!


Here is us.

sorry!

I realized that my blog has been so incredibly depressing for way too long!! SO I am going to make a conscious effort to talk about the more positive aspects of my life!

I guess this is sort of an apology.

:-)

belonging

I feel so isolated. I was just hanging out on myspace and seeing peoples lives (from what you can really see on the internet) and I really feel disconnected. Not just from their lives, but from America in general. I have no idea what's happening. And I'm not sure if that really bothers me or not.

I just feel a little homeless. I feel pretty comfortable in Georgia, but not totally. And the thought that I'm beginning to feel like America isn't my home is kind of discontenting too. Where do I belong?

I'm not totally Georgian: I can't speak the language, people can still spot me as a foreigner, I don't always understand the way to do things. And I feel like I'm not totally American either: I can't speak English properly including articles and everything, I'm totally out of the "pop culture" or whatever is popular now...I have no idea, and I've a newly learned way of doing things with is sometimes different than the way I used to do things.

I just feel funny.

Judgement's Distance

It seems like the distance/time between my judgment of someone, and the realization that I am guilty of the same or similar thing, is constantly becoming shorter and smaller. And I am so amazed by this near certainty. Like, the other day, I was upset with someone and so I was having one of those conversations where you are talking to the person, but not really. Like, a "mind conversation" where you can say whatever you want, whether it's right or not. Do you know what I'm talking about? Anyways, it went something like this:

"You're SO selfish!! You can't just come and take MY things and use them without asking! It's so selfish of..."

"...me. Oh my goodness."

Do you see my point?

i can't even think of a good post title

Oy mey guys, the thought of sitting down and actually writing a blog post is nearly torturous to me... my brain is so full of thoughts, ideas, experiences, etc... and for some reason I've really lost the ability to just be free and write about what's happening in my life, really.

(That was a really long first sentence.)

In a lot of things, I feel more free than before, but for some reason I feel less free in this: communicating via blog, email, phone, etc. Really, it's like... horrible. I don't know if maybe it's the pressure of being a "real missionary" now, or if it's just me "growing up a little" and my focus is on other things. But whatever it is, I really don't like it. I like feeling free to write and to communicate in a real way, not with pretense.