I will never be a light unless I turn myself to You...

My heart HUUUUUURRRTS.

It's just hard saying goodbye for extended periods of time. My question now is, "why can't it get easier?"

I'm not leaving the U.S. yet, but I am moving on from my parents and hometown. And it's not even over there. I'll be in Everett for another week, and have to say goodbye to all those people too. It's so emotionally not easy doing this.

Lord, I need your help. A lot of it. I need reassurance that what I'm doing is valuable and worthwhile, and that there is something greater than the difficulty and pain.

Sometimes I wish I could go spend a weekend in like, Narnia or something. Just take a break from life, not indefinitely... just temporarily. Be totally free from everything (emotions/physical burdens, hindrances, weaknesses, pain).

But I understand that I can't, so I'll do my best to be here NOW. And be grateful for what's around me instead of focusing on the pain and the difficulty. That's what I'll do.

So, in line with gratefulness:

I had a great time in the States. Seeing people. Spending time with my parents. Having fun. Eating amazing food. Continuing to learn some incredibly valuable lessons about God's character and life. I feel like I've been refreshed and have a new energy to do what I was doing before, but with more of me. I love my life. I love what I do. I love the people in my life (regardless of the frequency of our meetings). I love who God made me to be. I love who God is (even though I don't even have a glimpse of the complete image of Him and His character). I discovered some sweet new music. I re-increased my English vocabulary (even though that will be most definitely temporary). I was totally encouraged by peoples' interest and care in my happenings and by their prayers and seeking-God on my behalf.

And I believe good things will continue to happen, even tomorrow. Even in a week. Even in a month. And God will give me strength in spite of pain and difficulty.

Father God, thank you.

something to say

I learned how to crochet hats and washcloths.

I'm pretty excited about that.

<-- I made this hat.

And I discovered that I can knit pretty fast (for me) too.

But all this knitting and crocheting is giving me a twitch in my right shoulder muscle. Hmmph.

I hung out with my Dad today watching and NCIS, or NSIC... whatever it is... marathon.

I also went into the Geesey guitar place and asked the owner to play like all of the interesting instruments he had in there. And he actually could for the most part. I was pretty impressed.

Also, when I came in he was like, "how can I help you?" and I said, "you can give me a free guitar..!" He laughed. Little did he know I was making a serious request. :-)

I'm gaining weight too. Hmmph.

take me

I'm feeling contemplative.

Take my life and let it be
Consecrated, Lord, to Thee
Take my hands and let them move
At the impulse of Thy love

Take my feet and let them be
Swift and beautiful for Thee
Take my voice and let me sing
Always, only for my King

Take my lips and let them be
Filled with messages from Thee
Take my silver and my gold
Not a mite would I withhold

Take my moments and my days
Let them flow in endless praise
Take my intellect and use
Every power as Thou shalt choose

Take my will and make it Thine
It shall be no longer mine
Take my heart, it is Thine own
It shall be Thy royal throne

Take my Love, my Lord I pour
At the feet of it's treasure store
Take myself and I will be
Ever, only, all for Thee

You know, it's such a strange thing to think of asking God to take all of these things: my life, my hands, my feet, my voice, my lips, my silver & my gold, my moments & my days, my intellect, my will, my heart, my love and myself. It's so bitter in a sense, beyond words--at least in this situation. Because it would take me a very long time to catch you all up on what is happening on the inside of me relating to each and everyone of these aforementioned nouns.

But at the same time, I feel this really sweet comfort even at the thought of asking Him to take all of this. Really warm. And I (at this moment) really want to surrender this all to the One who gave us all these things in the first place.

And I believe.

Frances R. Havergal
This lady wrote this poem/hymn, and here's a little information about her life. It's a kind of long, but definitely interesting.

Christmas Eve

My brother is going to propose to his girlfriend tonight at church.

There is a lot of snow.

I knit a scarf really fast yesterday night + like 20 minutes this morning.

Tonight for dinner I made dolma from grape leaves (meat wrapped in grape leaves). They're still cooking, I hope they turn out okay.

At church I'm going to sing, "O Holy Night".

I made contact with my birth father's family, talked to my grandma and some of my aunts and Uncles. They say that I look a lot like my father, which is so strange to hear. I spend my life not looking like anyone in my family, then I find out I do look like someone whom I've never met. It's not bad, just really really strange. I also found some letters from when he was alive, and in one he wrote to my mother that he would take full responsibility for "his child". That would be me. They weren't married when she got pregnant, and I think they broke up shortly after. But he still wanted to take responsibility for me. My grandma, aunts and uncles all said that he was a really nice guy (my father). Soft-spoken, liked to help people.

I also found out that my Grandma is pretty cool. She's full-blooded German named Hannelore. She's 70, and she works full-time at Walmart on the night shift. I'm pretty impressed.

Tonight at church, I'm going to sing "Away in a Manger" too, accompanied by the auto-harp. It's the same song, same accompanying instrument and same accompanist as the last time I sang that song at church when I was 8 and my birth mother was still alive.

I've got lots of thoughts. Lots of different feelings. Trying to filter them all through the Truth of who God is and not become overwhelmed.

once upon a time in Georgia...

Some pictures of me with Irma & David and Marina before I left. If you have no idea who I'm talking about or who these people are, you can ask me and I will gladly inform you. :-)

(Irma did my hair. Lovely!)

Aren't they cute?

paaaatience.

You know what I realized (re-realized....took a moment from denying....) that I'm entirely NOT patient. Like, not at all. And that's a real problem for me.

Also, I struggle to trust: people, myself, and still (if you can believe it after the amazing things He continues to do in my life and in the lives of those around me)--God.

And I learned that I really shouldn't watch "Extreme Makeover- Home Edition" because it makes me cry.

But back to the serious stuff...

I can see though, that God has brought me a long way in both of those things. I remember back in the day with my friend Tawna (like when I was in high school and such) and we'd be having conversations about God and about knowing Him more and living out of that knowledge, and I was so impatient. I wanted to be in that perfect place of knowing Him NOW. I didn't want to go through any of the things that would cause me to grow into that place. I just wanted to be there in that very moment.

I'm grateful though that He either quenched or just eradicated some of that impatience and He's helped me to make it this far...and it's been quite a long road.

So, I'm trying to hold onto that past experience and knowledge and walk through these days with that in hand, heart and mind. I don't want to waste my life by always looking forward to what will be--and missing what's in front of me.

That rhymed, didn't it? Catchy.

SOOO... Lord, please help me.

In other news, it's snowing A LOT. Ginormous amounts. This is what the window in my room looks like:

But thankfully, we have those base board heater things, so I'm not freezing to death. Just my window.

Okay, I love you guys! Thanks for reading and being interested in what's-a-happening.

New Camera Fettish

My brother's dog decapitated her toy cow.

Creepy chair covers (at night when I walk by them, they kind of scare me if I forget that they are there...)

My Mom has a Santa fettish.

Our family's stockings (note: "Toot" is my Mom's aunt who lives with us)

Little Christmas tree.

Big Christmas tree.

Snow + my dirty car (from driving on slushy freeways)

somewhere over snoqualmie...

So, I made it safely over the pass. It wasn't even that exciting. No massive snow drifts. Not even a lot of cars. But I'm grateful that I made it safely. Thanks for the concern!

Here's some pictures that I took with my NEW camera!





I love Washington.

to tell you the truth...

I went to a really great concert last night! I forgot how much I enjoy live music, especially when it's good. Check this guy out (Noah Gunderson)--I was greatly impressed with his music and with the content of his songs. They made my heart warm.

One thing I really really love about winter: how, at night after it's snowed a bit and this are dusted white, the sky like glows. It's incredibly beautiful. It's night, but not dark, but not light--just amazing. I love it. I want to just sit outside and stare at the sky, if only I could do that without freezing to death.

One thing I'm not sure about--how I'll get over the pass with all this snow. I'm not leaving until Tuesday, so I guess there is some time for it to settle down. But this is one of those situations when I seriously wish I had a travel buddy (call him a husband, if you'd like). Just being honest.

stinging nettles and sushi

You would not believe how much food I ate today. This is the fullest I've been in a long time. And I feel bittersweet about it. Part of me is like, "It's okay that you ate like 80 pieces of sushi because they don't have sushi in Georgia". And the other part of me is like, "I hope you don't make this a habit again, because your Mom and Dad did just buy you new clothes for Christmas, and you want to wear them for a long time."

But I also walked like 3 miles with my friend Lauren, around Greenlake today.

You know, I was in the car on my way home and I was talking with another friend about pictures and keeping them and organizing them and everything and then I realized how much of our life centers on this electronic media (and some non-electronic)--pictures. And then I thought,"what are the pros and cons of the abundance of pictures and the ability to take such real pictures?" For some reason I felt like it was a really like intellectual thought. I mean, what if the fact that we can see such real pictures of places that we've never seen in real life like somehow cheapens that amazing thing...? But then again, I love looking at pictures. The other day I was in University Bookstore and I spent like probably 30 minutes looking through this book of National Geographic pictures, and was just completely enamored.

Okay, I guess my intellectualness is done now.

Oh! I'm taking Freeze Dried Nettle Leaf supplements now, it's supposed to help my allergies (if I even have allergies). But it seems so wacky to me to be ingesting something that is so physically painful when you touch it. Unless there is a difference between stinging nettle and just plain nettle. But I'm assuming there's not.

I want to smell things!

So, I'm in Everett now--for a little over a week.

I feel like time is starting to go quickly now and I want it to slow down a bit, seriously. But I think part of my problem has been: 1) wasting time on the computer instead of finding more valuable things to do. 2) Not focusing on the "now"...living too much in the future or in the past (in my mind) and not being able to appreciate the things that are in front of me at this very moment! 3) Just bad time management in general (you know, watching the hour long trading spaces instead of packing to come to Everett--therefore moving my whole schedule back an hour +, and then not getting enough sleep, being tired...etc.)

But I'm grateful for today. :-)

I'm on antibiotics now for a sinus infection--at least I hope that's what it is and that it will go away very very soon. I started on Friday and I'm still pretty stuffed up. Maybe I need to take decongestant too? Maybe it's allergies? Feeling a little weary of all my nose problems...but hey, at least I have a nose? So I'm still trying to be grateful in spite of my circumstance. It would be really nice to be able to smell though...

angels and bazaars.

very beatufil eye..you kind angel???

Yes, I did just get this message + friend request from a guy on Facebook named "fa ze".

I guess I'll take that as a compliment, but I did not accept his Facebook friendship offer--sorry fa ze.

Yesterday I went with my Dad to a Christmas bazaar in Odessa. It was pretty cool. Two of my Aunts were there too, and one of my Uncles. My Aunt Lois taught me how to crochet. My Uncle Dave kept threatening to pull the string on the scarf I was knitting (which would therefore unravel it all). But I had a really great day.

My Dad is so cool, he designs all these wooden toys and makes them and sells them at bazaars. Here's a picture or two.

Getting things set up

Dad with his toys

A closer view

Me with Dad (we sat at this table from like 9am-7pm)

It was a great day!