to do

God has something big planned for my life (and for YOURS too, you know?!) and I'm going to do my best to do what HE calls me to do. And I think as long as I strive to live out my God-given purpose, everything is going to be okay.

Oh, but it's so easy to be distracted and led off the path, or maybe even voluntarily run from it.

BUT the grace of God, of Jesus Christ, is so incredibly great. So incredibly patient, and like seriously HUGE. Huge enough to find you even when you've wandered incredibly far.

the honest truth

"How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Look on me and answer, O Lord my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death; my enemy will say, "I have overcome him," and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me." PSALM 13

You know, it's strange. I remember when I was in high school, I used part of this verse to write a song...but I wasn't really grasping what it meant, I just thought it sounded good.

But I can really say that this is like the prayer of my heart right now.

I was so totally in like "magic land" when I first came to the States, I was having a great time, I was standing firm in the changes God had made in my life. But then I started to loosen up, and be less diligent in spending serious time with Him. Then I was hardly spending any time with Him at all and was letting my will run wild. And now I feel like I'm standing in the midst of a lot of wreckage. And I have a lot of questions. And I feel really hurt. And I can't understand a lot.

But this morning at church we sang a song. Most of the songs I wasn't really worshiping God (because I was thinking about all of this stuff that is taking my joy...or that I'm willingly giving my joy too...), but then we came to that one, "When I Think About the Lord" and I was singing this part:

"It makes me wanna shout, Hallelujah! Thank you Jesus! Lord you're worthy of all of the glory, of all of the honor, of all of the praise!"

And as I was singing that part, not really connecting the words flowing from my mouth with the condition of my heart or mind...suddenly SOMETHING clicked. And for a moment I really felt like everything was going to be okay, which is something that I haven't felt for a while.

So, I really hope that is true.

"in"

Daniel went "in" today. It's pretty rough.

m. c.

Wow, I get so many comments when I talk about marriage...I should do that more.

Geeze.

holding on

So, the other day when I was nannying, Morgan (see photo) and I encountered a problem. She was sitting on a stool at the table and had just finished eating ("All done!") and so I told her to wait there, so I could wipe her hands and face. She decided that she didn't want to wait, so she started to stand up. I told her to sit down, and she wouldn't. So I SAT her down, and she stood up again and kept saying, "Up! Up!" and I told her that I will pick her up WHEN she sits down...and it began.

She ended up screaming for like 25 minutes while I was holding her saying, "Morgan, if you stop crying I'll put you down. Morgan, I still love you. Morgan, if you stop crying you can have your blankie." She was just upset that she didn't get her way, and I knew that if I let her get away with it, all respect she had for me as an authority would be lost. If I let her get away with it, she would lose trust in me because she would think that she has more power than I can handle. So, I endured. And you know, God really spoke to me through that.

"If you sit down I'll pick you up."

And also the fact that Morgan was screaming. And struggling to loosen my grasp. She tried to bite my shoulder a little bit...she was SO angry that I wouldn't let her have her way (of disobedience), but I didn't let her go. And I saw that sometimes I am so like that with God. I throw my temper tantrum because He doesn't let me have what I want (and often what I want is not what is best), but He doesn't let me go. OR sometimes I'm just tired and cranky and I throw a fit, but He holds on. And whispers, "I love you, Jenni."

And maybe that sounds crazy or emotional or dramatic or something, but it really gave me a clearer understanding of Him.

"if you sit down, i'll pick you up"

oy

My hope of marrying Marty Sampson has just been COMPLETELY obliterated.

He's already married. Oy.

and another thing...

I'm having a really hard time with the lack of settled-ness and/or consistency in my life. It's like no matter where I am, I'm missing something somewhere else, in another part of the state, in another part of the world. And I have so much in each place, and I feel so divided.

For a while when I came back to the States, it was like I was living in this beautiful enchanted world, and I was really so happy. But then the lack of permanent started to really bother me, and now it is really bothering me. And I don't want to lose my joy or hope or gentleness or love because of this, but I really feel like some of it is slipping.

And you know, I know that by choosing to follow God I gave up that right to be comfortable and permanent. And I know that God is permanent, but it's just hard having situations constantly morphing around you.

But, the funny thing is...if my life was constant and "normal", I'd probably be complaining too.

Oh, I feel fickle.

obedience

So, it's crazy how many similarities I find between my relationships with the kids that I'm nannying and my relationship with God.

Like today, I was telling the 4-year old that when I ask him to do something, he needs to do it right away. I don't want him to ask "why?" or try to distract me or do it as slowly as possible, but I want him to be quick to obey.

But the whole time I was saying that I was thinking, "am I quick to obey when God asks me to do something?...NO!" and I felt like so sort of hypocritical. But at the same time, it's cool that God is showing me things through this situation.

I just hope that I can apply them. :-)

progress and resistence

Wow, so much is happening and changing.. and sometimes I feel a little overwhelmed.

But you know, even though it's like harder following God.. it's so much better. I don't know how to explain it. Like before, in my life, when I was just kind of hanging out and nonchalantly acknowledging God, I was really quite miserable. Actually, incredibly miserable. BUT, I could do whatever I wanted (to an extent). Like, the conviction wasn't as strong, the responsibility wasn't as much. But I was miserable.

And now that I've really committed my life to serving God (I've told Him that I am committed to Him for the rest of my life regardless of how I feel or whatever, I belong to Him) and in a way it's harder. Because I can't always do what I want or feel like doing. And the conviction is a heck of a lot stronger, and sometimes nearly unbearable (at least until I confess it all or turn away from it or whatever). But I am so much happier. I mean, I don't wake up every day full of joy and rejoicing (maybe someday I will be able to), but I really have so much more joy.

AND I feel like I'm standing on solid ground. Really, I feel more whole. I know I've got a long way to go.. but the progress so far has been quite fulfilling.

So anyways.

I'm glad to be committed to serving God, even if I 'keep offering vain and perilous resistance'. I think I'm beginning to learn.

ACTS 26:14
And when we had all fallen to the ground, I heard a voice in the Hebrew tongue saying to me, Saul, Saul, why do you continue to persecute Me [to harass and trouble and molest Me]? It is dangerous and turns out badly for you to keep kicking against the goads [to keep offering vain and perilous resistance].

crazy

It's crazy, you know. In a good way.

I've been really struggling with doubts and stuff about God and His provision, and it's been pretty rough. But it's like, He's providing for me in spite of my unbelief, and it's crazy.

Like today, I got a job. I didn't even apply. And it just happens to work out with my schedule and everything. And it's only until the 30th of May, so my entire time home isn't taken up. And I will just happen to make the right amount of money I need to pay for the laptop that I bought and cancel that debt. So, I guess I shouldn't say that "I got a job," I should say that GOD GAVE ME A JOB.

And He is providing for me in so many other ways too...a dentist appointment, tax help, medical advice, spiritual advice, LIFE advice.

Seriously crazy, and seriously cool.

In other news. I taught Georgian today. Really, I went into Lynn's class (she's the mom in the family I'm staying with in Everett) and taught her Foreign Language Sampler class. It was pretty cool. I can't believe I taught Georgian. Who would have thought!

Past Life : October 22, 2005

I'm reading through my old journals, so I'm going to post stories that are interesting, or that speak of God or something cool. Okay? :-)

OCTOBER 22, 2005

"So, I was sitting here on my bed and I just kept hearing this pounding. And I couldn't figure out what it was, and then I realized that it sounded like my heart beating. And I listened to the sound, then I listened to my hear and they were the same! And I was really confused. At first I thought that it was like a clock ticking and like my time was running out. But then I remembered the words to this song I wrote (which is in the context of Jesus speaking to me) and it goes, 'So let your lullaby be the beating of My heart and let your eyes sleep.' And I really think it was Christ's heartbeat. Then I thought about how He lives in me, and how awesome that is. Then also, I'm reading this book by Darlene Zschech called, "Extravagant Worship" and this line was there: 'The cause of Christ pumping away in our veins should cause extraordinary praise to the Father.' "

Maybe I sound a little crazy, but I really don't think I am. :-)

american-ness

I got a computer today. It's totally crazy. I feel sort of guilty. But I feel incredibly blessed at the same time. And a little anxious. BUT IT BELONGS TO THE LORD. Let's just pray that I keep that mindset.

American-ness is kicking in. But I'm trying to stand my ground.

I don't want to be surface level and selfish. Really.

umm...

I think it's May day today, or something like that. I just looked it up on Wikipedia, and it's like some pagan, communist, catholic, socialist holiday. They all celebrate it for different reasons or different ways. I think I'll stick with leaving baskets of flowers and candy anonymously on people's doorsteps.

This morning I met with this really cool lady and we had coffee and talked a lot, and we talked about complaining. And I really realized something.

Disclaimer: I know that I complain a lot. But this is just an observation, and I will try to be proactive and put it into practice. :-)

No matter what we complain about, there is probably someone in a worse situation. Like, "Oh, I work TOO much...50 hours a week, and I am so tired." But, there are people even in Georgia who can't get a job and would love to work and make that much money. And stuff like that. And so I'm really starting to think that probably every complaint, or almost every one, has a response to it. And I wonder what would happen if we complained, and then thought about the opposite side of the situation. I wonder how much it would change our perspective.