trusting is not so easy

It's so hard to trust sometimes. I wish it weren't, but it really is. And it's funny... it's a lot easier to tell people that they need to trust God-- but then to actually do it myself is a lot harder.

Or it feels like I'm letting go of what I can't control and trusting, but then in a wave of emotion it hits me again and I'm knocked to the ground (this is what I feel like).

I just don't really know how to come to grips with the fact that I'm an incredibly emotional person. I know that God made me that way, and I want to be able to embrace that, but it so controls me a lot more than I'd like it to, and THAT I don't know what to do with.

I don't like that I get pulled around by how I feel, but how do I change it so that my emotions can help me and not hurt me?

I have a lot of questions.

The Bible Course is going pretty good. We have quite a bit of homework. We have a book of the Bible that we study for a week, and we do a lot of different things with that, looking up historical information, trying to understand the context more through various means. Also one day a week we are reading the Bible out loud. We'll read through almost the whole Bible out loud by the end of the 3 months.

Holland is still great. I think that I definitely have fallen in love with the beautiful nature! Every morning I ride through the forest to go to class... how amazing is that. I love it very much.

Also, I've started helping out with worship a little bit on the base. It's fun to get involved. But I notice too that I miss being involved in ministries-- I miss my street kids and my street people!!

But I'm glad to be where I am and I'm trying to embrace the day, eh.

at the moment...

some people think that freedom is found in chaos.
some people think that knowledge is shown with words.
I believe there is freedom in submission...
and knowledge shown through silence...
before the Living God.
BEFORE THE LIVING GOD.

"The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction." Proverbs 1:7

jjjenni and the wwwindmill

Hey everyone!

So I'm still alive and well in Holland. :-)

Classes have started and we just today really got into it. We're reading through the whole Bible in these 3 months, so we have specific Bible reading days and today was one of those. Me and the 2 other people in my English speaking group read the books out-loud and then afterwards we answer questions. Also, before we read the book, we have these little introductions to each book that give us more information about when it was written, to whom, etc. So, so far today we've read: 1&2 Thessalonians, 1&2 Timothy, Titus, Philemon, James, Ephesians, Colossians and we will read 1&2 Corinthians tonight. And I'm pretty sure there is something that I left out. It's pretty intense, but I'm sure it will only increase in intensity... like when we read 1&2 Kings and it will supposedly take 6+ hours...!!!

I have a great roommate named Sonja from Germany. We get along really well! And I just really like all the people in my school, students and staff.

The weather has been really really beautiful this last week (I've been here for a week already!), but unfortunately it looks like it's going to get colder and possibly rainy. :-( But I'm grateful for the nice weather we've had. :-)

Well, here's like one of the only pictures that I've taken since I've been in Holland... I know that's pretty lame. But you wouldn't believe how hard it is to take pictures when you're riding a bike....


It's Jenni and a giant windmill!! This is the first Dutch windmill that I've ever seen in my entire life that was not on a coloring page or in some cultural Christmas pamphlet thing. :-)

holland is da bomb.

Hallllooooo!!!

I'm in Holland and I'm really really loving it! But I have heard that the first stage of being in another culture is the "honeymoon" part where everything is amazing and beautiful and you love it-- and then you begin to see all the negative things. So I'm just really praying that I won't get to that part. I only have 3 months and I don't want to waste it on having a bad attitude and getting offended about different cultural things that I can't control or change. Really praying!

Our course will start on Wednesday and so these days I'm just kind of getting introduced to living here. I've rented my bike (which is super amazing-- I'll have to take some pictures and show you!) and that's my transportation! The place where we live is kind of like a village, but a modernized-ish one, but quaint and quiet and cute and green and beautiful! And the base is in a neighboring village, so I ride on a bike trail through the forest to get there! We'll have most of our lectures, etc. at the base. I think pretty much the only negative thing about the bike is that my bottom is reallllllyy sore...! But I think after a few days it will get used to it! :-) And also I have yet to ride in the rain... but I'm sure I'll experience that soon enough. BUT I pretty much love my bike.

The town is also very cute. Lots of cute shops. Lots of things calling at me to buy them because they either don't exist in Georgia, aren't as good quality or are cheaper here-- but I'm trying to remember that my happiness is not birthed from an abundance of cute possessions. :-) I'm sure I will buy some things, but I'm definitely having a challenge in self-control and keeping my perspective in tempting times!!

So, yeah! I'm really enjoying it here! I feel like it's really a gift from God! I'm sure though that when I start studying I will be more focused on that than on being continually amazed at my surroundings!!!-- but for now I'm enjoying it. :-)

Thanks for all your prayers and interests!

i love

I HAVE MY PLANE TICKET TO HOLLAND.

not that i'm excited or anything... or maybe I AM!!!!!!!

So that's some great news to share with you! Really, it's a miracle. Just like a couple of weeks ago I thought that maybe I wouldn't go-- but now I have a plane ticket. I really see through this God's power and active-ness in our lives and concerns. He is really amazing. Thank you Lord for leading me and helping me to this Bible school in Holland!!

Also as I was walking downtown today post-ticket-buying, I saw some of my street kids from the center. They were so sweet!!! And I was super encouraged-- one of the street sellers was telling me how good of kids they were. Once they wanted to buy some earrings but didn't have money at the time, so they sort of took out a "loan" (for a couple of cents) and said they'd bring the money the next day-- and they DID. So this lady was saying how good they were and how much she trusts them, and I was standing there with my arms around them saying how good they were too-- and I think the kids really liked that. People valuing them. And I was filled with so much hope! There are many people who say that these people groups (Kurds&Gypsies) will always be liars and thieves and beggars-- but I can see that they are wrong. These children can change. They can be "normal". They can be respected and show respect. How cool is that. Again, God is pretty amazing. Because He cares. He wants to teach them and help them out of the situation they're in. I absolutely believe that. And I just pray that I really can be a part of it.

new songs

Hey all! Well, I seem to have made decent use of my time since I got back from Kiev and wrote that last blog post. I recorded 2 of my newer songs. You can go ahead and listen-- think of them like "rough drafts"! :-) But I hope you enjoy them. Here's the PLACE YOU CAN LISTEN & lyrics:

It's Not Heavy
I am yoked to Freedom
I am yoked to Love
And maybe you won't believe it
But it's not heavy at all
(repeat)

Is it possible
To live this life alone?
I have come to see
That the answer is, "no"

I have spent so many days
Walking under the weight
Of this world and all its worries
And I could hardly stand
With my broken back
But You came
You came
You came...


Easier & Easier
Lord, please reveal
All the things that I've thought
That were not true at all
Lord, please heal
All these wounds that I've got
And the ones that I've caused
Lord, please hear
My prayer and my cry and my song

'Cause it's not always easy
To trust in what you can't see
But I know You're real
I can feel it
Yes I can feel You inside
And I know You're right
I know You're right
I can feel it

Lord, I have come
Pretty far on my way
But I don't want to stay
Where I have been
So please hold me close
And take my hand
And lead me
Lead me
Lead me...
Where You want me

And it gets easier and easier
To trust in Your good character
I believe You'll do
What You've promised

i'm so patriotic (to georgia, that is)

Well, I'm back!!!

The conference was pretty much AWESOME. There weren't 500 people there though, more like 300. But I was not as socially awkward as I had expected myself to be. The worship times were really quite incredible, God really revealed some new things (new to me) about worshiping Him. Before (and I guess it probably will still happen sometimes, I'm not completely transformed in my thinking yet, but in process...) if I had like some mistake that I'd made, or if I felt not so good, or a lot of different things, it was so hard for me to sing worship songs to God. Like really hard. Even after I repented of my sin or whatever it was, it took me quite a while to get back to feeling normal and being able to sing to God. But God really quite continually spoke to me about the fact that He doesn't change, no matter what I do/have done or what I'm feeling-- He is always the same and therefore He is always worthy to be praised. And He always loves me. His love for me does not go away even when I make mistakes, so I can really still sing about His love in the midst of my incorrect feelings of being unloved because of my mistakes.

Also had a great time just getting more connected with people in our organization-- ones that I'd met before and ones that I met for the first time. And pretty much I love my life and I love that I'm a part of an organization that I feel is really seeking to know God more than any organizational type thing. And out of relationship with God, everything else flows. It's so cool to see people up to like 70+ something years old, who have the same vision and ideas as me, who aren't all like "super holy", but confess that they are on the same path to getting to know Jesus. Old people that don't make me feel small. Old people that make me feel like I can actually do something and succeed in this life. I LOVE IT. (www.ywam.org)

I'm just continually amazed at how increasingly exciting my life has become once I really decided to give it to Jesus. I love it. I love it. I love it.

So, getting ready to go to Holland. This begins my last week of craziness in Georgia before I head out. I still don't have my plane ticket & 1000 euros that I need to have toward my school fee before I buy my plane ticket in my bank account yet although people have said it's on the way. What can I do?-- but Lord, you know what I need.

At this conference I became acquainted with a new song that I really really like a lot and feel like my heart will explode when I sing it (out of love and meaning, of course):

This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides

This is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flame

CHORUS:
I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

This is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow

dun dun dun

Well, I'll be heading off to a University of the Nations (www.uofn.edu) conference in Kiev in just about an hour. There will be... 8 of us from the Youth With a Mission Tbilisi base, and 5 of the 8 are Georgians!! That is a first for us! So I'm pretty excited. There will be about 500 people there. So I guess that makes me a little nervous too (I sometimes can be really awkward in large social settings). But I'm trying not to think about it. My latest received advice about that problem: "Just focus on the other person"... so that's what I'll be trying to do!

Also some good news about Holland, it looks like I WILL be going! I've talked with a few people and it looks like I will have enough support coming in to buy a plane ticket, pay for my rent in Georgia while I'm gone, and begin saving up to pay the course fee. So that's actually quite a miracle. Because I went from probably not going to pretty much yes going in like 2 days. Over $2000 raised in 2 days. That would be God's work.

So I'm excited about that, but am foreseeing that it will be a very stressful time for me when I get back from Kiev. I'll have just one more week in Georgia to get my plane ticket, pack up my bedroom, pack for Holland, finish whatever responsibilities I need to, etc. and then leave. So you can be praying for me if you think about it.

:-)

Well, off I go on another adventure!

I love my life.

3weeks

So I went to the nose doctor today. She asked me a couple questions, and then told me to go to this other place to get a bacteria test from the inside of my nose. Then I mentioned that I'd be going to Kiev next week (I'm going for the University of the Nations Workshop) and she was like...

"NO! Don't go!!" I asked why. "Because a power-plant exploded in Leningrad (St. Petersburg) last night and there's radiation!!!"

That was really calming news. But I just tried not to think about it. I'm sure it really did happen (I found a couple things on the internet too), but I'm not sure to what extent. She said Russia was trying to cover up the facts. To be honest, in the back of my mind I wonder if some Russian intelligence spy will read this blog entry because I wrote "Russia" and "power-plant exploded" TWICE. But I really hope it's not too serious of an explosion/leak/problem. I have friends in that city!!!

So, I left that doctor's office and went to this other place where they do "bacteriophage". Something like that. I'll get the results on the 3rd.

I've started packing for Holland / the apartment move that will happen while I'm in Holland. Two things that really amaze me. One: I've been packing for probably a combined total of 10 hours and I feel like I haven't even made a dent in it all. How is that possible??!?! Two: It's really strange how the 2 bags that I brought with me to Georgia for the first time I came to stay in 2006, somehow multiplied to like 10 bags + a desk + a bookshelf+ a million other household things. Seriously. How does that happen??!?!

Also, I have to say I'm feeling the most tested with faith in finances now than I ever have been in my entire life. I'm supposed to leave in 3 weeks. I don't have a plane ticket. I do have $900 pledged. I don't have money to pay my last months rent or the rent for when I'm gone. I don't have money for the school fees. I do have some money saved for my conference registration fee in Kiev... that's good. I can't say that all this lack of money really bothers me so much, I'm so just going about my business preparing for everything, but every once in a while I think and I laugh at myself a little bit. Like, "Jenni... are you crazy? You're preparing to go and you have no money to pay for it?" But then I think that there must be some way and I'm certain I'll see a miracle. Side note: I don't want to say that this is all an excuse for financial irresponsibility. That's not what I'm plugging at all. I just happen to be in a situation where I didn't have a lot of time to plan and I'm riding the waves. But planning is good, and if you can do it especially with money things-- I definitely recommend it!

Just so you know.

Well, I'm going to try to tidy up the mess just a little bit so I can sleep for now. :-)

short

My nose is bad again... so I'm going to go to a new nose-doctor tomorrow and will hopefully find an answer for my chronically congested/infected nose.

I've spent the evening packing (practice-packing) for Holland. Which is funny because I don't even have a plane ticket yet, and I'm supposed to leave in like 3 weeks...!

Also, before I go to Holland, I have to pack up my room so its ready to be moved while I'm away. So, because of it all my room is a complete disaster and I don't have the strength now to tidy it up.

Transition and waiting times are so hard. Seriously.

But they lead to great things.

some BIG news!

I’m going to The Netherlands to receive more training within YWAM! I’ll be attending a 3-month training called, Bible Core Course (BCC). I can say that this is a very different course than I had expected to take… but I believe it’s what God wants for me now!

Why This School? I was on outreach in Rene, and we had just had a staff meeting. We were just sharing with each other our feelings and what had been on our minds, and I shared that I was really wanting to hear from God about my future after this DTS. I’d been looking into YWAM counseling training schools and specifically at one in India… but I just didn’t have complete peace about it, and neither did my base leaders. So, I asked my fellow outreach staff to pray for me that God would just really show me the best direction to go after DTS. They prayed and then just a couple days later, I received a text message from one of my base leaders. She had been searching for opportunities for future training and found a Bible Core Course in the Netherlands… I thought about it and the more I thought the more that I saw that it would really be the most helpful step for me now in ministry. To have a more firm understanding of God’s word and for me to know better how to study the Bible in my personal times with God! So that is how this was all “born”.

What is a Bible Core Course? “The BCC is a 12-week course that will introduce you to the inductive approach of Bible study. The inductive approach means that you let the Bible speak for itself. You practice this by learning to observe what the Bible text actually says, by skills of interpretation and by applying the Word of God to your life. During the 3 months you will read the entire Bible and study in depth at least 14 Bible books, from different forms of literature. The teachings will often be combined with workshops to involve you as an active part of the teachings. There is a lot of variety in the workshops, like drawing, drama, music or group activity. In this way you will be equipped with many tools for integrating the Word into your life.” (www.ywam.nl/heidebeek/bcc/en/)

The course will start on September 23rd and I will return to Tbilisi after the course finishes on December 18th, to continue my ministry with YWAM Tbilisi. I still feel a calling to be in Georgia working with DTS and other ministries-- and even while I’m in The Netherlands at the YWAM Heidebeek base, I’m still considered YWAM Tbilisi staff and will have to do my best to represent our little country and base in a good and true way! :-)

What This Has to Do With You…? -- I NEED YOUR HELP!
The fee for this course is about $ 2850. The airfare is about $ 600. Also, I will still need to rent an apartment in Tbilisi while I’m gone, and that will be about $900. And plus, for travel expenses and for living in The Netherlands (renting a bike-- I hear it will be my main form of transportation!, buying books for school, purchasing health insurance which is required in the Netherlands, etc.) So, Im looking for a total of about $5000 + continued monthly support. I know that this is a lot of money to ask for, especially in our time of “economic-crisis”-- but all I can do is ask you and trust God that He will make it happen! After all, I wasn’t even thinking about this until He brought it up. :-)

Leave me a comment with your email address included if you'd like to help out financially, and I will send you the information you need!

I... I'm...

I'm up late, researching information about The Netherlands.

I ate "Asian Fast Food" last night-- in Georgia, that's next to a miracle.

I bought Second-Hand clothes today, but that's not unusual.

I'm incredibly tired, but filled with excitement for the days to come.

I wish there were more hours in the day and more fire in my heart to be motivated, to do all the things that need to/should be done.

I'm also slightly frustrated that Western Union will not make a Bank-to-Bank transfer from my American account to an account in The Netherlands... WHY???

I'm also wishing that tomorrow was not Saturday, because I'd be able to find answers to a lot of my questions sooner.

I like the fact that it's not super hot this summer, but thinking that it would be nice to have not super hot minus the rain.

I'm wanting to find an emotional balance (instead of being thrown to one side by the excitement of upcoming travels & adventures... then thrown to the other by the question of what to do and how to live my life in the ordinary today).

I'm also wanting to find fulfillment, contentment, peace and wisdom-- from having conversation with my Creator.

I'm also also wanting to be more sure of who I really am and what I really mean and what I really love and value.

I told myself that I'd go to bed by 10:00pm because I was feeling bad, then I began to feel better + started researching some information and then changed my bedtime to 12:00am... so I think I will head in that direction to show myself at least a bit of respect.

pictures

Our 9 person outreach team in Khikhani

"Helping" the neighbors chop wood ("helping"... just long enough to take a photo. I don't seem to have good wood chopping skills...)

Kissing a baby turtle

Helping a grandma prepare wool for a blanket

This grandma is almost a century old

Milking a cow (but I really don't have good cow-milking skills)

Modern transportation

In Rene, at the local village church

In Gori at the kids camp, with my group of girls (that I led in Georgian)

BAAAACCCKKK!!!

Hey you guys, I'm back to Tbilisi and to my lovely Macbook!! I can say for the first like 20 minutes of use, I felt so strange and my Macbook felt so foreign to me! I was amazed at the bright light and the way that the cursor would move when I touches the mouse pad. Seriously. It's been 9 weeks, a little more than 2 months.

This time has been crazy and incredibly good. We spent the first 6 weeks in a small Muslim village in Georgia. The next 2 weeks in an incredibly Protestantized village in Georgia, and then the last week in Gori working with a kids camp (I even led a group of girls completely in Georgian-- it was a pretty big miracle for me!).

Now I'm in Tbilisi, we will start our last week of DTS on Monday and then it's all over. Seriously. 6 months of my life finished in the wink of an eye. It's what it feels like now at least.

Right now I'm seriously exhausted. We came into town, got Vazi sort of set up for us again, then it was off to conflict resolution and heart-sharing for most of the night (so it is with most DTS's and specifically during debrief time)... and now I'm at home and really tired but trying to get caught up on things.

Some things I love about coming home: everything seems 864 times more beautiful, I feel like I have enough clothes and that they are cool, my toliet flushes and my shower operates without a bucket, relationships seem sweeter and it's exciting to function in a new level of Jenni (meaning, some things really changed in me).

Until next time.... I've got a lot of pictures but not a lot of time to go through them and sort them out... but I'll see what I can do.

Sending my love! It's good to be back.

Testing...

It works?

for now....

So, we're leaving for outreach tomorrow!

Please be praying for us! We'll be gone for about 2 1/2 months... and I probably won't be able to post on here during that time.

Thanks for reading and I'll be back soon enough. :-)

Our Outreach Team

processing my thoughts outloud

It's so easy to start to talk about something, like in a song.

"Just like these chords
They have been played a million times or more
And so we live day after day
Rising at dawn
Falling at night
Always wanting more
That's how we live day after day.

But I'm feeling tired
With the mundane
I don't want to be
Floating around
Day after day
I want to live for something big
A worthy goal and prize
Even if it takes my life

......" And then, I have no idea what to say. I don't know how to resolve the previous "conflict" or question in lyrical form.

And the fact that I draw a blank in that part frightens me a little bit. It makes me aware of my disconnection from reality. Either that, or I'm just held captive to guilt and shame and can't see the truth that is shining over me.

Today was a bit rough for many reasons that don't really need to be listed-- but it all tempted me into self-pity and I agreed. It was so strange too. There I was, wallowing around a bit, feeling my way around, looking for some comfort. At first it worked a little. But then I realized that I was just more empty and increasingly upset and self-piteous. And I thought, "wow". It's kind of like looking through a garbage dump in the middle of summer for food that you could eat without dying or getting incredibly sick. Just not very good odds for success.

So, I'd like to get out of the garbage dump now. Lord, please --

everything is possible for those who believe

We are leaving for outreach in a week and I'm thinking like, "This is impossible"...

One small Muslim village. Nine incredibly unique people. Six weeks.

But I believe that in Christ all those things that seem impossible, or that literally are in our physical world, are transformed to POSSIBLE.

So that's the promise I'm trying to feed off of now.

I've been listening to a lot of Bill Johnson's teachings, and it's really interesting. So much to take in and apply. And I'm excited about it. A little overwhelmed, but excited nonetheless.

The weather in Tbilisi has changed from Winter to HOT. And as much as I despise the death-like feeling of sitting in a crowded, stuffy marshutka on the sunny side with the plastic bags I'm holding sticking to my skin-- there's always the metro. Underground= cool (as in cold).

And a little side note to report my integration, or pursuit to become a pseudo-Georgian: I bought milk from the village lady and boiled it properly, then dispersed it into glass jars for later consumption. A small feat, but with outstanding rewards. Even Marina was surprised (she's usually the one who does it). :-)

time-management

I'm such a ridiculous (and normal) person: these days I don't have a lot of time outside of DTS (Discipleship Training School... if you don't know what I'm talking about, look here) and I come home and spend FOUR HOURS on the computer. Of course I was doing various useful things. Watching Happy Slip videos, learning how to play "Unchained Melody" on the guitar for Tony & Lali's wedding, checking out the Facebook idol competitors and making top 5 lists on Facebook too, feeling guilty for wasting so much time on something that is so not satisfying in the end AND STILL continuing on... for example, like NOW.

4:25:30. I'm grateful for my little time counter thing in my Firefox browser. And at the same time a little put-off by it's truth.

Think of how many things I could have done in that time...
• Paint a picture
• Organize my external harddrive (that is computer related too... but is actually work needing to be done)
• Go to BED
• Read a book or two
• Sweep/Mop my bedroom and if feeling ambitious, entire apartment
• Plan some cool activity for our DTS students
• Take out my summer clothes and pack away my really wintery ones
• Put clothes in the washing machine
• Paint my nails
• Eat some matsoni
• Play panduri
• The list is probably endless....

Lord, please teach me time-management skills.

revelation and khinkali

I'm very tired, it's much too late... but I've accomplished much! Newsletter written, emails replied. Very good.

These days I'm really seeing a part of my character that I hadn't seen for a while/thought had maybe gone-- just this intense insecurity and at the same time hunger to get affirmation from the people around me. These things produce horrible "fruit" and it's emotionally hard to work through this time. But I really believe I'm having the chance to see these things now so that I can WORK on them with God (in whatever form that takes, I have no clue as of yet). So, I'm glad to have another character-building opportunity, but I'm reminded that character-building is super painful and quite treacherous-- and totally worthwhile.

I made khinkali this weekend with my friend Diana's mom. It was fun.