one year

Spring is amazing. I love being woken up by the blazing bright sun at 8:30am. Eating breakfast and drinking coffee leisurely in the sunlight as well. Pretty much spring sun just makes everything nice.

And today is also a nice day. The ONE year anniversary of being with Wim! (mushy mushy). No but seriously, I love that man. It's been an incredible year- good and hard things both- but I really love him. And I'm so grateful to God for love! It's a indescribably great experience.

Well, I guess I'm pretty optimistic today. :-)

a smell-alogue.

It's amazing you know. I've had chronic problems with my sinuses for 3+ years, which has led to losing my sense of smell. Losing, in some sense. It would come and go. Sometimes coming for a minute and leaving for months. And when I was lucky it was staying for like a week. But now again I have it back, it's been more than a week. And every morning I'm praising Jesus and pleading in my heart that it will stay and never leave again!

Imagine, not being able to smell... I mean, there are some benefits for sure. Cigarette smoke in restaurants didn't bother me (although I'm sure the 2nd hand smoke still killed me a little every time). Georgian toilets didn't phase me. My fiance never repelled me with body odor or bad breath. So, of course it wasn't 100% bad.

But also imagine, not being able to smell your shampoo when you're showering. Or your hot cup of coffee in the morning. Or food that you're cooking. Also not being able to smell if food has gone bad or if your clothes stink. I have the best friends ever, because over the years I've continually gone to them asking: "Does this smell okay?"-- with food... and my dirty clothes. ;-) Wim bought me perfume in January and I had never smelled it, until last week. It's such a sad feeling that everyone around you experiences something you can't.

But now that I CAN smell, I'm living in the glorious world of sensory 3-d and it's incredible! Every little smell excites me and I feel like I'm experiencing life for the first-time. Seriously, it's that dramatic. I rejoice when I smell the smoke from the woodstove, or the musty-ness of the metro, or even the body odor of my man. AND I can taste better too. For the first time I've really tasted my mouthwash, and even I realized I didn't like some food that I thought I had. Because my taste is also sensitized. IT'S AMAZING. Actually, in some way it almost feels worth it. To be deprived of something for so long and then have it back again, it makes that thing much more sweet.

Okay, I'm done talking about smelling. But seriously, sniff something you love and think what it would be like if you never smelled that again. Then maybe you can sympathize with me. ;-)

the world outside

I just know that God is alive and that Jesus is a willing shepherd and the Holy Spirit is a loving comforter. I know it. It's crazy though, in our world, to say that. I feel surrounded by big, gray, sky-high walls of unbelief and humanism. Everything setting itself up against the knowledge of God. But with God, I can rise above those walls and see the world that exists on the outside.

When I'm out in town, or around a lot of people, I just have this nagging feeling like I'm privileged. Not superior, just privileged. To see the world. To see life. Not just to stare at boring gray walls all day, every day. And I want all people to experience this privilege!!! There's so much freedom. And it's not just words-- it's true. It's real. And it's in Jesus. Not in money, religion, health, happiness, spirituality, holiness, goodness, understanding... no. Only in Jesus.

My heart cries for people to realize and believe.

a return

I'm kind of trying to avoid the whole line of, "wow... it's been so long since I've written something here"... but am feeling awkward to just jump right into a normal blog post.

I've heard that blogging decreases when you fall in love, and I'm a living testimony that it's true. I guess the main answer is: less time ?

Well, I'll take baby steps. Slowly slowly making an effort to ease back into the blogging world....

we're engaged!

Wim asked me to marry him on December 4th, 2010.... and I said, yes!

We're not sure about the date of the wedding yet (due to the extreme internationality of it all- he's Belgian, I'm American and we live in Georgia)... but will figure it out as soon as we can!

amaaaaaaaaaaaazing

So God has been providing for us in incredible ways this last week! And today was just the candle on top of the candle on top of the icing on top of the cake...

So, I brought one pair of shoes with me from Georgia- some dress boots. And I planned on buying some more winter ones while I was here. Well, I thought I'd have some time before it snowed to do that... but I was too late! It's already snowing in Eastern WA where we are heading on Monday. So, I planned to shop for some boots today, but ran out of time because we needed to meet some friends and then go speak at a home church.

Well, we went to the home church and had a great time. They let us speak for over an hour all about Georgia and what we do there. They were so interested with so many questions and it was so encouraging!


Then after we finished a man came up to me and this was the conversation:
(man): umm, what size of shoe do you wear?
(me): 38
(man): in American size...?
(me): oh yeah, umm... size 8.
(man): do you need some boots? I have 3 pairs of women's boots in the car, and one of them is size 8...
(me): (slightly in shock)... oh wow, yeah! I was wanting to buy some and didn't get the chance to today, so that would be really nice...!

The man brought the boots and get this: they were EXACTLY like the boots I was looking for!!! Plus they are perfectly my size and already water-proofed and everything. And he had no idea before that that I was even looking for shoes.

Is that not like incredibly amazing???????

And that's not to mention all the money that people have just randomly given us, gift cards and movie tickets... money for coats and shoes... really amazing stuff guys.

God is incredible.

His kindness leads us to repentance.

His kindness draws us towards Him.

Let's run.

Wim and I- new coats and new shoes and a huge deposit in the "trust fund" that God provides for His children!

SURPRISE!!!

Surprise... Wim and I are in America!!! :-)

in your arms

LYRICS:
in your arms, I don't need all the answers
in your arms, I find a place of peace
in your arms, when I reach into the chaos
you hold me close and say, "hush"
you hold me close and say, "hush"

in your arms, I find that I have value
in your arms, I know that I am free
in your arms, I feel that I am lovely
you hold me close and say, "love"
you hold me close and say, "love"

in your arms, the world it seems much different
in your arms, my vision it is changed
in your arms, I long to make a difference
you hold me close and say, "go"
you hold me close and say, "go"

well you have won my heart, my love
you have won me over
and you're the one I want, my love
you are my heart's desire

in your arms, I know that you are holy
in your arms, I know that you're unique
in your arms, I know that there's no other
who'll hold me close and say, "hush"
you hold me close and say, "hush"

well you have won my heart, my love
you have won me over
and you're the one I want, my love
you are my heart's desire

in your arms

more than this (live)

At the beginning of the month I was in Kiev, Ukraine for a 50 year jubilee celebration of Youth With a Mission. I had the opportunity to sing one of my songs with some of the musicians! It was really fun (and really quickly put together.. they learned the song and performed it in one day!)

P.S. Loren Cunningham liked my song! :-) hehe

LYRICS:
I don't want mere ideology
I won't want what we call reality
Or only what my eyes can see
I know there must be more
I don't want mere ideolgy
I don't want only what my eyes can see
I know there must be more than this
I know there must be more

And so I step outside and take a breath
Of something that is so much other than me
I cannot believe we all "just exist"
Oh-- what a purposeless life that would be
That would be

I don't want only what I can feel
I don't want only what my heart determines to be true and real
I know there must be more than this
I don't want only what my heart can feel
I don't want only what I can determine to be real and true
I know there must be more, be more than this

And so I step outside and take a breath
Of something so much other than me
I cannot believe we all "just exist"
Oh-- what a purposeless life that would be
That would be

I want Truth and all the light He brings
I want Love and all the freeing
I want Hope and all the joy
I want You and all You are

What a miracle it would be
To see that we are not only we
And what we see is not only what can be seen
What a miracle it would be
To see that we are not only we
And what we see is not only what can be seen

update

Wow, I've really neglected this whole blog thing...

Well, anyways... a small update on my life:

I'm going to America and Belgium with Wim! We have plane tickets and we leave in just a little less than 3 weeks. This time is going to be probably pretty amazing and also pretty challenging. But I'm really looking forward to it.

We'll talk about YWAM Georgia and missions, and we'll also get the chance to meet each other's family and friends and experience each other's homeland.

In the meantime, we're still busy with ministries and meetings... oh, the YWAM life. :-)

the end

I'm feeling God's blessing and inspiration these days. Many new things coming out of my heart into song.

"the end"



some think it's ironic
some think that it is cruel
some think it is pointless
but I think that it is true

some try to avoid it
some try to justify
some just plain ignore it
but to themselves they lie

that in the end
we'll have nothing in hand
when before
the great king we will stand
it will not depend
on our good or our bad
but only you
only on you
(Jesus)

some use their strength to gather
some use their skill to hoard
but will it really matter
how much wealth you've stored

some keep the best of company
some hold their heads up high
some think they're really lovely
but love they do deny

and in the end
we'll have nothing in hand
when before
the great king we will stand
it will not depend
on our good or our bad
but only on you
only on you

in the end
when before him we stand
it will not depend
on our good or our bad
not by what I have done
or by what I will do
only on you
only on you

not by what I have done
nor by what I can do
only by you

more than this

I don't want mere ideology
I won't want what we call reality
Or only what my eyes can see
I know there must be more
I don't want mere ideolgy
I don't want only what my eyes can see
I know there must be more than this
I know there must be more

And so I step outside and take a breath
Of something that is so much other than me
I cannot believe we all "just exist"
Oh-- what a purposeless life that would be
That would be

I don't want only what I can feel
I don't want only what my heart determines to be true and real
I know there must be more than this
I don't want only what my heart can feel
I don't want only what I can determine to be real and true
I know there must be more, be more than this

And so I step outside and take a breath
Of something so much other than me
I cannot believe we all "just exist"
Oh-- what a purposeless life that would be
That would be

I want Truth and all the light He brings
I want Love and all the freeing
I want Hope and all the joy
I want You and all You are

What a miracle it would be
To see that we are not only we
And what we see is not only what can be seen
What a miracle it would be
To see that we are not only we
And what we see is not only what can be seen

svaneti

Reflecting a bit on outreach, looking through some pictures.

Svaneti: 3 calves in a row

Svaneti: Mestia the capital
Svaneti: ancient watchtowers

Svaneti: village life makes you tough

Svaneti: our parting gift

a bit lost

I feel like I've forgotten how to communicate. I don't have the desire to write on this blog. I don't really even have the desire to write a newsletter. I think I feel sooo disconnected from "that" world (mostly America) that it's hard for me to try to reach out and connect it with the one I'm currently living in.

Plus I'm in the process of love, which distracts me to some extent. And also changes me. So then I feel a bit lost how to express myself in my new-ish state.

And plus plus, we're in kind of a lower period of ministry and activity in general. DTS is over for the year. Base leaders on furlough in America. Things not as structured as in the past. And somehow I feel like I don't have much to say.

But I know I have to.

And I know that it can be good and positive for the people who read it, and also for me as I write it. But I struggle to jump the hurdle now...

So speaking of feeling disconnected... REALLY I do. I was watching some youtube videos the other day, from the States and I felt so strange. As I was watching, the Americans seemed like foreigners to me. Seriously. I mean, I'm around some Americans here too, but mostly ones that have been out of America for a while, so they're kind of different. And I guess it makes me confused.

Lord, please help me to get my thoughts (and identity) straight.

stages

Well, again another nearly 6 months of my life has past. When I count, I've spent a total of 2 years in DTS (student&staff-hood). And my life is changed. Not necessarily by the teaching alone, although it helps to bring more knowledge and ideas and input and wisdom. But the practicality of it all. Living with a large amount of people. Having conflicts. Resolving them. Learning to love. To forgive. To cover sins with your love through forgiveness. To be of good character. To shut your mouth when necessary and/or for the benefit of another person. To see how God lives and moves and breathes in all of you and in your relationships. Amazing.

And also, I'm like totally absolutely in love. And I love this man named Wim. It's amazing to see how God is working and developing our relationship. The first time I met him was in Holland and this is also when he told me he was interested in me. So we were together for 3 weeks. Then separated for 3 months. Then together for 2 1/2 months. Again separated for 9 weeks. Now finally we're together again. And it's beautiful. And I can see through all of this how God is bringing us through stages, together and individually. Preparing, working, growing, teaching. And it's a beautiful process. To learn to love and to be loved. Oh, so grateful.

I just, love my life. Thank you God for this breath and this heartbeat.

food mom

Somehow I think my life has begun to revolve around making food... is this the life of a mom? So, speaking of food... I made pizza today! While we were making bread. On the woodstove. Yesss. With my assistant, Christine (the DTS student from Ephrata). She's quite the prodigy!

hey, i'm a human

I'm making bread on my free day. And lunch, and dinner. When we were in town, we just bought eggs or something and the students made their food when they wanted. Now, we're in a village and that's not possible.

At first I was a little tempted to be grumpy and somehow justify myself by showing the world how unfair it was that I had to do this stuff on my one and only free day. But then I realized...

this is real life.

And I got over it.

Now I'm actually kind of excited that I CAN make bread and be home-makery and all that kind of stuff. And that I can be a blessing to my team (or as I call them with all love and sincerity, "my chickens") by filling their tummies with delicious food.

This is just a little glimpse into my life as a real, live human being.

an ordained time

We've been on outreach now for almost seven weeks, and there are only 17 days left until we return back to Tbilisi. Kobuleti was a great outreach location, working with the church there. Now we're in Svaneti, a very different place than Kobuleti-- but great in its own unique way.

our team in Svaneti

I confess I felt a bit of conviction today. I can say that in some way, I've been counting down the days until outreach is over. "... 17 days until I will be with Wim again... in the comfortable city of Tbilisi... with all of my belongings and comforts..." In one way, its normal. Probably a form of home-sickness (and Wim-sickness) or something.

But in another way, it seems like a grave sin. God ordained this whole outreach, and that includes the next 17 days-- and I believe that He has a plan for these PEOPLE-- these Svans, who live and move and breathe without hope, without help in their times of need, without comfort in their pain and struggle, without God. And how selfish it is of me to think only of myself and my comfort-- knowing that God has ordained this time, yet stealing my heart from the present and placing it in the future.

I understand that I am not the savior. I don't need to make everyone repeat the "repentance prayer" after me. But I have a responsibility to let the light that is within me shine out for the proper and ordained amount of time. And I want to commit to that.

"But my life is worth nothing to me unless I use it for finishing the work assigned to me by the Lord Jesus-- the work of telling others the good news about the wonderful grace of God." (Paul speaking about himself in Acts 20:24)

a neeeeew song!

what is fate? what is it?
is it just a consequence?
or a lie that says:
we should live defeated
there's no reason to try

mhmhmhmhm

what is love? what is it?
is it just a feeling?
how can i know when:
i should fight or fly or try or hide

mhmhmhmhm

we have got so many choices
yes, there are so many ways
that we can live this life successfully
that we can live out all our days
but i am needing some direction
i need a little direction

what is faith? what is it?
is it just religion?
and a way to live:
this is wrong, this is right
but what is is death, what is life?

mhmhmhmhmhm

where's the way? where's the path?
where's the sign? where's the goal?
where's the road-- the direction that i need to go

what is truth? what is it?
where can we find it?

make me simple

Life is crazy. Challenges approach. Choices have to be made-- face it or run away? Often I feel like running, but thanks to God who gives me strength... I'm not for now. I'm seeing how much more fulfilling it is to be a Christian with words and deeds, rather than just talking big and not living up to it. I guess I can't say that I fully live up to it now either, but I feel more in tune with myself. More like one person, instead of two (or more). Less complicated, more simple. I'm becoming who I am.

Great Maker, Creator
Your hands are so warm
So gentle, You mold me
Into my form
And who am I to tell You what to do?
You know very well, yes You do
Great Patience, how lovely
You bring into life
Your beauty, Your imagination
They're deep in my lines
And I'm excited now, You're almost through
I can live my purpose out, all for You
... You are the One, who breathed this life into me
And I am the clay, which You are molding
I know there is a purpose so deep
And I will find it, I will find it
Great Purpose, don't leave me
Please use me... I am ready