the end

I'm feeling God's blessing and inspiration these days. Many new things coming out of my heart into song.

"the end"



some think it's ironic
some think that it is cruel
some think it is pointless
but I think that it is true

some try to avoid it
some try to justify
some just plain ignore it
but to themselves they lie

that in the end
we'll have nothing in hand
when before
the great king we will stand
it will not depend
on our good or our bad
but only you
only on you
(Jesus)

some use their strength to gather
some use their skill to hoard
but will it really matter
how much wealth you've stored

some keep the best of company
some hold their heads up high
some think they're really lovely
but love they do deny

and in the end
we'll have nothing in hand
when before
the great king we will stand
it will not depend
on our good or our bad
but only on you
only on you

in the end
when before him we stand
it will not depend
on our good or our bad
not by what I have done
or by what I will do
only on you
only on you

not by what I have done
nor by what I can do
only by you

more than this

I don't want mere ideology
I won't want what we call reality
Or only what my eyes can see
I know there must be more
I don't want mere ideolgy
I don't want only what my eyes can see
I know there must be more than this
I know there must be more

And so I step outside and take a breath
Of something that is so much other than me
I cannot believe we all "just exist"
Oh-- what a purposeless life that would be
That would be

I don't want only what I can feel
I don't want only what my heart determines to be true and real
I know there must be more than this
I don't want only what my heart can feel
I don't want only what I can determine to be real and true
I know there must be more, be more than this

And so I step outside and take a breath
Of something so much other than me
I cannot believe we all "just exist"
Oh-- what a purposeless life that would be
That would be

I want Truth and all the light He brings
I want Love and all the freeing
I want Hope and all the joy
I want You and all You are

What a miracle it would be
To see that we are not only we
And what we see is not only what can be seen
What a miracle it would be
To see that we are not only we
And what we see is not only what can be seen

svaneti

Reflecting a bit on outreach, looking through some pictures.

Svaneti: 3 calves in a row

Svaneti: Mestia the capital
Svaneti: ancient watchtowers

Svaneti: village life makes you tough

Svaneti: our parting gift

a bit lost

I feel like I've forgotten how to communicate. I don't have the desire to write on this blog. I don't really even have the desire to write a newsletter. I think I feel sooo disconnected from "that" world (mostly America) that it's hard for me to try to reach out and connect it with the one I'm currently living in.

Plus I'm in the process of love, which distracts me to some extent. And also changes me. So then I feel a bit lost how to express myself in my new-ish state.

And plus plus, we're in kind of a lower period of ministry and activity in general. DTS is over for the year. Base leaders on furlough in America. Things not as structured as in the past. And somehow I feel like I don't have much to say.

But I know I have to.

And I know that it can be good and positive for the people who read it, and also for me as I write it. But I struggle to jump the hurdle now...

So speaking of feeling disconnected... REALLY I do. I was watching some youtube videos the other day, from the States and I felt so strange. As I was watching, the Americans seemed like foreigners to me. Seriously. I mean, I'm around some Americans here too, but mostly ones that have been out of America for a while, so they're kind of different. And I guess it makes me confused.

Lord, please help me to get my thoughts (and identity) straight.

stages

Well, again another nearly 6 months of my life has past. When I count, I've spent a total of 2 years in DTS (student&staff-hood). And my life is changed. Not necessarily by the teaching alone, although it helps to bring more knowledge and ideas and input and wisdom. But the practicality of it all. Living with a large amount of people. Having conflicts. Resolving them. Learning to love. To forgive. To cover sins with your love through forgiveness. To be of good character. To shut your mouth when necessary and/or for the benefit of another person. To see how God lives and moves and breathes in all of you and in your relationships. Amazing.

And also, I'm like totally absolutely in love. And I love this man named Wim. It's amazing to see how God is working and developing our relationship. The first time I met him was in Holland and this is also when he told me he was interested in me. So we were together for 3 weeks. Then separated for 3 months. Then together for 2 1/2 months. Again separated for 9 weeks. Now finally we're together again. And it's beautiful. And I can see through all of this how God is bringing us through stages, together and individually. Preparing, working, growing, teaching. And it's a beautiful process. To learn to love and to be loved. Oh, so grateful.

I just, love my life. Thank you God for this breath and this heartbeat.

food mom

Somehow I think my life has begun to revolve around making food... is this the life of a mom? So, speaking of food... I made pizza today! While we were making bread. On the woodstove. Yesss. With my assistant, Christine (the DTS student from Ephrata). She's quite the prodigy!

hey, i'm a human

I'm making bread on my free day. And lunch, and dinner. When we were in town, we just bought eggs or something and the students made their food when they wanted. Now, we're in a village and that's not possible.

At first I was a little tempted to be grumpy and somehow justify myself by showing the world how unfair it was that I had to do this stuff on my one and only free day. But then I realized...

this is real life.

And I got over it.

Now I'm actually kind of excited that I CAN make bread and be home-makery and all that kind of stuff. And that I can be a blessing to my team (or as I call them with all love and sincerity, "my chickens") by filling their tummies with delicious food.

This is just a little glimpse into my life as a real, live human being.

an ordained time

We've been on outreach now for almost seven weeks, and there are only 17 days left until we return back to Tbilisi. Kobuleti was a great outreach location, working with the church there. Now we're in Svaneti, a very different place than Kobuleti-- but great in its own unique way.

our team in Svaneti

I confess I felt a bit of conviction today. I can say that in some way, I've been counting down the days until outreach is over. "... 17 days until I will be with Wim again... in the comfortable city of Tbilisi... with all of my belongings and comforts..." In one way, its normal. Probably a form of home-sickness (and Wim-sickness) or something.

But in another way, it seems like a grave sin. God ordained this whole outreach, and that includes the next 17 days-- and I believe that He has a plan for these PEOPLE-- these Svans, who live and move and breathe without hope, without help in their times of need, without comfort in their pain and struggle, without God. And how selfish it is of me to think only of myself and my comfort-- knowing that God has ordained this time, yet stealing my heart from the present and placing it in the future.

I understand that I am not the savior. I don't need to make everyone repeat the "repentance prayer" after me. But I have a responsibility to let the light that is within me shine out for the proper and ordained amount of time. And I want to commit to that.

"But my life is worth nothing to me unless I use it for finishing the work assigned to me by the Lord Jesus-- the work of telling others the good news about the wonderful grace of God." (Paul speaking about himself in Acts 20:24)

a neeeeew song!

what is fate? what is it?
is it just a consequence?
or a lie that says:
we should live defeated
there's no reason to try

mhmhmhmhm

what is love? what is it?
is it just a feeling?
how can i know when:
i should fight or fly or try or hide

mhmhmhmhm

we have got so many choices
yes, there are so many ways
that we can live this life successfully
that we can live out all our days
but i am needing some direction
i need a little direction

what is faith? what is it?
is it just religion?
and a way to live:
this is wrong, this is right
but what is is death, what is life?

mhmhmhmhmhm

where's the way? where's the path?
where's the sign? where's the goal?
where's the road-- the direction that i need to go

what is truth? what is it?
where can we find it?

make me simple

Life is crazy. Challenges approach. Choices have to be made-- face it or run away? Often I feel like running, but thanks to God who gives me strength... I'm not for now. I'm seeing how much more fulfilling it is to be a Christian with words and deeds, rather than just talking big and not living up to it. I guess I can't say that I fully live up to it now either, but I feel more in tune with myself. More like one person, instead of two (or more). Less complicated, more simple. I'm becoming who I am.

Great Maker, Creator
Your hands are so warm
So gentle, You mold me
Into my form
And who am I to tell You what to do?
You know very well, yes You do
Great Patience, how lovely
You bring into life
Your beauty, Your imagination
They're deep in my lines
And I'm excited now, You're almost through
I can live my purpose out, all for You
... You are the One, who breathed this life into me
And I am the clay, which You are molding
I know there is a purpose so deep
And I will find it, I will find it
Great Purpose, don't leave me
Please use me... I am ready

some things from outreach

we're off to DTS outreach...

“Do any of the worthless idols of the nations bring rain? Do the skies themselves send down showers? No, it is You, O Lord our God. Therefore our hope is in You, for You are the One who does all this.” Jeremiah 14:22

Outreach THE PLAN: 9 weeks --> 5 weeks in Kobuleti --> 4 weeks in Etseri

Our seven person team will head out on May 22nd. We will take the over-night train to Kobuleti, a city on the Black Sea. We’ve made connections with local pastors who are eager to have us there to serve with them. We desire to go to the surrounding villages and reach people there. Build relationships. Enjoy who God created them to be. And shine the light of God’s love and truth. The Western part of Georgia, including Kobuleti has a large Georgian Muslim population. We are planning to stay in this region for 5 weeks. Please pray for our work in Kobuleti. For our team to find unity and learn how to work together effectively (since it’s the first part of outreach, we will be learning a lot about our group dynamics).

After Kobuleti, we will head to the Svaneti region, which is in the Caucasus Mountains. We will be based in a village named Etseri for 4 weeks, and will partner with local Operation Mobilization workers there. We have many opportunities to work with children, to do practical work (helping villagers in their fields), and also to shine the light of God’s love and truth there. The Svaneti region is full of orthodox Christianity, but is mixed with many pagan traditions (animal sacrificing, festivals, idols). Please pray for our work in Etseri.

Please pray for me as a leader, for our two other staff (Maia & Mindia), for our students to grow and be DISCIPLED!! And please pray for unity for our group!

an update

Discipleship Training School

“For this reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness… knowledge… self-control… perseverance… godliness… brotherly kindness… and love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.” 2 Peter 1:5-8

Our 4th annual DTS has begun and is well under way! • We’re more than halfway done with the lecture phase and are preparing for the 10 week practical outreach that will begin at the end of May. • Our DTS has a special focus of ministering to children and Muslims and so we’ve had a week of specialized teaching on each of those topics. We’ve also had teaching on topics such as: relationships, discipleship, and the Father heart of God. But just listening to lectures and taking in information is not the point or goal of DTS-- it’s to practically apply all that you hear and see into real-life… that means character-growth. It also means being challenged, stretched past the comfort-zone, and called to a higher standard. This process is often painful, but in the end it’s more than worth it. This is now the 3rd time I am staffing a DTS, and I continue to enjoy seeing the way our students change over the 22 weeks. Many come in hardened, bitter, but eager to learn-- and they leave with soft hearts, forgiveness & mercy in them and flowing out of them and they influence the world around them. This is why I love Discipleship Training School! It’s not just knowledge or information, it’s life-change. The most essential.


• And as a staff in DTS, I am constantly challenged as well. From learning how to submit to and obey my authorities (“…consequently, he who rebels against authority is rebelling against what God has instituted…” Ro. 13:5), being quick to forgive, slow to react (=holding my tongue), eager to serve the students and staff around me selflessly (“Love does no harm to its neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.” Ro. 13:10)… and the list could go on and on! And also this year, I will be leading an outreach team with 2 staff-helpers. In the past I’ve always led with my close friend and fellow-staff, Diana, but this year we will be separate… so I’m facing many challenges and really feel that God is calling me to live my life at a higher standard than before (with more godly character). •

“...I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.” Ephesians 4:1b-2

OTHER NEWS...
• 
So, the 3 months I spent in Holland were fruitful in many ways. I grew in my relationship with God, knowledge of the Bible, confidence in my value & worth, and I began to develop a very important friendship with a Belgian man named Wim Dufoort. Just one problem… how to continue to develop this friendship?--I was leaving for Georgia. When I met Wim, he was in a transition period, seeking God for the next step he should take in missions (he’s been in YWAM 10 years, in both Holland & India). So after praying & consulting with our leaders, we decided that he would come to Georgia in March, which would give us the opportunity to get to know each other better and seek God about our future together. We’re happy with our progress so far. It’s challenging, fun, enlightening, thrilling, scary, and yet fulfilling. We’ve both been discovering a lot about ourselves: the good and the bad, strengths and weaknesses...and are learning how to grow a healthy relationship. Please pray with us! We want to understand God’s plan for our lives- personally & in ministry.


Prayer Requests...
• MY TONSILS: I’m sure you’ve heard the Facebook news that I was supposed to have my tonsils out… it was true. I went to the doctor because of a small lump in my throat. She diagnosed me saying that my left tonsil is infected and the lump is a symptom of the infection. She said that I needed to have my tonsils removed. In this part of the world, tonsil surgery is still very acceptable and common, whereas in Western countries doctors are now more hesitant to remove them. So I called her and asked if there was another way, she in turn prescribed me some kind of natural medicine and said that it would help… but I’m still here with this small lump that causes me a small amount of discomfort, and I’m not really sure what to do to handle this in the proper and wisest manner. It’s a very inconvenient time, just 3 weeks left before we will leave for our 9 week outreach and I already feel overwhelmed with all that I need to do in this short time. Also it can be challenging to find a doctor with advice or practices that are comparable with Western medicine. I want to be wise, and at the same time not worried (“Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?” Matt. 6:27)


• MY CAR: I’m still in the process of raising $3000 so that I will be able to pay off my car by June. Thanks to those of you who’ve responded and supported! I’m very grateful!

PLEASE PRAY WITH ME ABOUT THESE THINGS!

DTS 2010

Back Row (staff) L-R: Diana, Ira, Maia, ME, Mindia, Tamila, Korinne, Dennis
Middle Row (students): Tonia, Nino, Otari, Tamuna, Natia
Front Row (students): Christine, Tamazi, Kyla

four down....

DTS has begun!! And things are going well! The first week was pretty exhausting, because we staff were doing most of the teaching. I personally taught on "worship" and cross-cultural living & relationships, and also was involved in many other planning/preparing things. It's fun and I actually really enjoy teaching, but it does take a lot of energy from me at least now. But I think probably too, just being in a new location for the DTS, in a village, without power for a couple days, with just so many new things-- also takes energy!!

But on Sunday we'll receive our first teacher.. he'll teach about "discipleship". I honestly am not sure what that will all consist of, but I'm expecting good things. :-)

We have 8 students in the DTS. But only 7 are living at the "DTS house" (which is also Dennis and Korinne's house...), because the 8th is a 65 year old Georgian grandpa. So he stays 2 nights a week at the house, but the rest he goes home to his wife in the evening. Other than that we have 1 Georgian guy, 4 Georgian girls, 1 Canadian girl and 1 American girl. It's pretty fun. Definitely cross-cultural and interesting. And I really enjoy watching how the students begin to connect and relate.

As a leader, I have so many questions about how to "do it right"... how to be the best for the students and it leaves me with a lot of questions, but I was encouraged the other day. I found this verse:

"For you know that we dealt with each of you as a father deals with his own children, encouraging, comforting and urging you to live lives worthy of God, who calls you into his kingdom and glory." 1 Thessalonians 2:11-12

So, I know I'm not a father, but its the idea of relating to the students like a parent relates to children. With love and care. And the practical steps of encouraging, comforting, and urging them to live lives worthy of God!! So, I'm practicing and praying that I will become a leader that can do these things.

appreciation & honor

So many new thought processes going on these days.

Being the person that I want others to be to me? Not in changing my core personality... but for example: I expect and desire forgiveness for my mistakes, but how forgiving am I when people hurt me? I want to experience true acceptance in my relationships, but how accepting am I of the people around me?

Another thought about comparison: I often (like say, 97% of the time) compare myself with everyone in everything. I'm not proud of it, but just acknowledging the current fact. But it really hinders me from appreciating beauty and respecting people. Generally when I'm walking around downtown, I observe the girls. I see one who has nice hair, or a nice figure, cute clothes, etc. and then I think-- but I don't have that? Is she more beautiful than me? What do I have that she doesn't have? How can I get ahead of her in my comparison game?

Please don't be frightened. This is just an honest look into my weaknesses and my process of CHANGE. So much of how I view things is in the process of being re-adjusted. Re-aligned. Re-established. And filled with more and more Truth.

But then I realized, what if I walked around, observed the beauty of the girls around me and acknowledged (honored, appreciated) their beauty without even bringing myself into the picture. Just acknowledge, honor, appreciate her beauty and in that way give glory to God because He is the Artist and what He designs is good.

I'm really beginning to believe that there is so much happiness in honoring, respecting, loving, giving out to other people: more than receiving ourselves.

"Stuff my dad never told me about RELATIONSHIPS" is a super interesting book (well, so far at least) and it talks in detail about this. The "flow" of giving out. Of finding unconditional love not by seeking for it, but by giving it out to others. Finding value not in seeking it, but in valuing others. Very interesting stuff.

"This is the message you heard from the beginning: We should love one another. Do not be like Cain, who belonged to the evil one and murdered his brother. And why did he murder him? Because his own actions were evil and his brother's were righteous....

This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers..." 1 John 3:11-12, 16

make the widow's heart sing

I just came across one of the newsletters that I wrote not long after arriving in Georgia to be a student in DTS... it seems like SO long ago. Almost 4 years, seriously??!

But I feel encouraged and re-inspired by my experience at that time. I want to continue to have this kind of heart and desire, eh. So here you go, straight from the past... August 23, 2006 -->

Gamarjobat!

It's been 9 weeks and one day since I arrived in Georgia. There are things that haven't changed, like the weather (HOT) and the amazingly tasty puri (bread). But there is a lot that has changed. I feel like I've sort of grown-up a bit (unbelievable, I know) just from being in a foreign country. Like I can go to the market and buy meat (that is as long as I can't tell what kind of animal it came from) and I cook sometimes and clean, and do other semi-responsible things.

But I feel more that I'm growing-up emotionally.

Not saying that I've had any huge breakthroughs or anything like that, but I guess I'm just seeing all of these issues that have been like festering inside of me for a long time, and I'm beginning to address them. It's also just totally enlightening being here, because you see so much hurt and pain and need, and it's like your world suddenly opens up. I mean, I wasn't always ignorant of the hurting and lost people, but it's so much more real to me now that I'm here. Like when you see a woman sitting on the street with huge, open, oozing and totally infected sores on her legs begging for money. Or when you see a gypsy woman holding her baby and know that it's highly likely that that child will be raised not really knowing what truth is. Or when you see a 70 or 80 year old woman digging through the garbage and eating what she finds.

It's hard you know. It hurts to see it. Sometimes because you wish more than anything that you could do something more to help them, like really help them, but you know that you can't. And sometimes it hurts because you see your own life and problems and realize how small they are in comparison to these peoples'. It makes you grateful, but at the same time sort of ashamed. But in spite of it all, I would rather be here seeing all of this, than in my own comfortable and small world (although I tend to get caught up in it, even here).

... I was reading in Job last night and these verses just really struck my heart. I guess the description of this compassion and mercy is just really beautiful, and someday I would hope that I would be able to live out at least one of these actions.

Job 29:11-17, "Whoever heard me spoke well of me, and those who saw me commended me, because I rescued the poor who cried for help, and the fatherless who had none to assist him. The man who was dying blessed me; I made the widow's heart sing. I put on righteousness as my clothing; justice was my robe and my turban. I was eyes to the blind and feet to the lame. I was a father to the needy; I took up the case of the stranger. I broke the fangs of the wicked and snatched the victims from their teeth."

make your words alive

Oh. My. Goodness.

I feel like I've stepped into the Hall of Learning and I'm surrounded on all sides. I mean, I know we are always in the learning process (if we allow ourselves to be), but now I feel that there are an extraordinary amount of things to learn. So much to walk out. Live out. Speak out. Think out. Feel out. Words and thoughts and truth to be brought to life, to be manifest in my flesh.

I'm excited, anticipating the great journey it will be.

And equally afraid of failure.

"you are for me"

So faithful
So constant
So loving and so true
So powerful in all you do
You fill me
You see me
You know my every move
You love for me to sing to you

I know that you are for me
I know that you are for me
I know that you will never forsake me in my weakness
I know that you have come now
Even if to write upon my heart
To remind me who you are

So patient
So gracious
So merciful and true
So wonderful in all you do
You fill me
You see me
You know my every move
You love for me to sing to you

for the first time?

Life is so deep. I mean, when I don't think about it, I can just float through and not really realize the depth of things. But when I stop to think about it...

Like, I realized (quite a while ago, but the realization seems to come and go) that when I walk around and I semi-interact with hundreds (maybe even thousands) of people a day...in the metro, on the bus, at the bazaar, etc... I most of the time don't really give each of those people the full acknowledgment of their person-hood. I don't think about what kind of childhood they had, what talents they are gifted with, what kind of day they're going through at the moment, etc. I think mostly about their interaction with me... either they're in my way, or they're trying to sell me something overpriced, or they are kind and I appreciate them.

But when I think about my life for example, I feel that it's pretty complex and deep and important. I have an interesting past, and interesting life, I go through tons of emotions and experiences that I find to be very significant. .... And to realize that the people around me have the same weightiness to their lives... it for some reason really brings another depth of life that is quite unexplainable. And I don't even really know what to do with it. But it intrigues me.

The terrifying this is, I wonder if I'm just so proud -(thinking I'm a better person than the rest, or that me and what I have and think is more important) - that this is a common realization/understanding that every healthily humble person has and that I'm just now waking up to it...

... ?