IN HIM OUR HEARTS REJOICE

ironing

2011-09-21T19:02:00.004+04:00

This morning I was working in hospitality (right now, that's what I do in the mornings until lunch), and the task today was ironing. Because of the summer holidays, and staff days, and everything, there was A LOT of sheets and stuff to iron... so I did... for like three hours... and I got a blister on my hand, not from heat but from holding the iron and using it so long!! Haha!

Who would have thought that THIS American girl would iron SHEETS and TOWELS for three hours, when I didn't even iron my wrinkly shirt before?! I guess it's always good to learn new skills! :-) And I still had enough energy and enthusiasm to pose for an action photo!...

F.Y.I.: We iron so much so that things will be nice for our guests who come to visit YWAM Heidebeek! So it's worth it for sure! :-)

ta-da!

2011-09-19T20:43:00.002+04:00

I considered changing blogs completely, because actually "kartvelley" is a Georgian word for a person of Georgian nationality (e.g. like "American"). Buuut, after careful consideration (or pure sloth), I've decided to keep it for now. It's a hassle anyways to re-inform everyone of the new address and blah blah blah. So, here I am. But now posting no longer from Tbilisi, but from The Netherlands. Heerde, to be exact. And YWAM Heidebeek to be more exact (probably I'll use the word Heidebeek frequently, so you can know what I'm talking about-- it's the base we work on).

We arrived a little over a week ago. It's a huge transition for sure. Let's make some comparisons:

# of full-time staff on YWAM base
Georgia: between 5 and 9
Heidebeek: between 80-100

# of years in operation
Georgia: 5 years
Heidebeek: like 30 years or something?!

# of DTS students in a year
Georgia: 4-9 students
Heidebeek: 60 students

Need I say more? :-)

We aren't working with DTS at the moment though. Because of all the adjustments we are going through, we are hanging out in the support ministries-- maintenance, hospitality, etc. for a while to recover and get rooted again. And after that... well, we'll see.

Okay, off to dinner.

transitions

2011-06-21T09:18:00.003+04:00

Pretty much..... I'm in a whirlwind that's called: gettingmarriedtoabelgianandmakingalotofpaperworkandtakingresponsibilityfornecessarythingswhichmakessomepeoplenotveryhappy.

That's just part one!

SO much to get done-- but praise GOD, I've made it through some of the mess. Most of the paperwork for changing my name is done. Some other paperwork stuff to get taken care of. And the wedding? Well, probably I'm not half as organized as I should be. I just hope that it will all work out!

In the end, I'll be married-- right?

:-)

one year

2011-03-27T09:48:00.000+04:00

Spring is amazing. I love being woken up by the blazing bright sun at 8:30am. Eating breakfast and drinking coffee leisurely in the sunlight as well. Pretty much spring sun just makes everything nice.

And today is also a nice day. The ONE year anniversary of being with Wim! (mushy mushy). No but seriously, I love that man. It's been an incredible year- good and hard things both- but I really love him. And I'm so grateful to God for love! It's a indescribably great experience.

Well, I guess I'm pretty optimistic today. :-)

a smell-alogue.

2011-03-05T13:31:00.004+04:00

It's amazing you know. I've had chronic problems with my sinuses for 3+ years, which has led to losing my sense of smell. Losing, in some sense. It would come and go. Sometimes coming for a minute and leaving for months. And when I was lucky it was staying for like a week. But now again I have it back, it's been more than a week. And every morning I'm praising Jesus and pleading in my heart that it will stay and never leave again!

Imagine, not being able to smell... I mean, there are some benefits for sure. Cigarette smoke in restaurants didn't bother me (although I'm sure the 2nd hand smoke still killed me a little every time). Georgian toilets didn't phase me. My fiance never repelled me with body odor or bad breath. So, of course it wasn't 100% bad.

But also imagine, not being able to smell your shampoo when you're showering. Or your hot cup of coffee in the morning. Or food that you're cooking. Also not being able to smell if food has gone bad or if your clothes stink. I have the best friends ever, because over the years I've continually gone to them asking: "Does this smell okay?"-- with food... and my dirty clothes. ;-) Wim bought me perfume in January and I had never smelled it, until last week. It's such a sad feeling that everyone around you experiences something you can't.

But now that I CAN smell, I'm living in the glorious world of sensory 3-d and it's incredible! Every little smell excites me and I feel like I'm experiencing life for the first-time. Seriously, it's that dramatic. I rejoice when I smell the smoke from the woodstove, or the musty-ness of the metro, or even the body odor of my man. AND I can taste better too. For the first time I've really tasted my mouthwash, and even I realized I didn't like some food that I thought I had. Because my taste is also sensitized. IT'S AMAZING. Actually, in some way it almost feels worth it. To be deprived of something for so long and then have it back again, it makes that thing much more sweet.

Okay, I'm done talking about smelling. But seriously, sniff something you love and think what it would be like if you never smelled that again. Then maybe you can sympathize with me. ;-)

the world outside

2011-03-04T00:58:00.004+04:00

I just know that God is alive and that Jesus is a willing shepherd and the Holy Spirit is a loving comforter. I know it. It's crazy though, in our world, to say that. I feel surrounded by big, gray, sky-high walls of unbelief and humanism. Everything setting itself up against the knowledge of God. But with God, I can rise above those walls and see the world that exists on the outside.

When I'm out in town, or around a lot of people, I just have this nagging feeling like I'm privileged. Not superior, just privileged. To see the world. To see life. Not just to stare at boring gray walls all day, every day. And I want all people to experience this privilege!!! There's so much freedom. And it's not just words-- it's true. It's real. And it's in Jesus. Not in money, religion, health, happiness, spirituality, holiness, goodness, understanding... no. Only in Jesus.

My heart cries for people to realize and believe.

a return

2011-03-04T00:44:00.003+04:00

I'm kind of trying to avoid the whole line of, "wow... it's been so long since I've written something here"... but am feeling awkward to just jump right into a normal blog post.

I've heard that blogging decreases when you fall in love, and I'm a living testimony that it's true. I guess the main answer is: less time ?

Well, I'll take baby steps. Slowly slowly making an effort to ease back into the blogging world....

we're engaged!

2010-12-10T13:02:00.003+04:00

Wim asked me to marry him on December 4th, 2010.... and I said, yes!

We're not sure about the date of the wedding yet (due to the extreme internationality of it all- he's Belgian, I'm American and we live in Georgia)... but will figure it out as soon as we can!

amaaaaaaaaaaaazing

2010-11-21T12:34:00.005+04:00

So God has been providing for us in incredible ways this last week! And today was just the candle on top of the candle on top of the icing on top of the cake...

So, I brought one pair of shoes with me from Georgia- some dress boots. And I planned on buying some more winter ones while I was here. Well, I thought I'd have some time before it snowed to do that... but I was too late! It's already snowing in Eastern WA where we are heading on Monday. So, I planned to shop for some boots today, but ran out of time because we needed to meet some friends and then go speak at a home church.

Well, we went to the home church and had a great time. They let us speak for over an hour all about Georgia and what we do there. They were so interested with so many questions and it was so encouraging!

Then after we finished a man came up to me and this was the conversation:
(man): umm, what size of shoe do you wear?
(me): 38
(man): in American size...?
(me): oh yeah, umm... size 8.
(man): do you need some boots? I have 3 pairs of women's boots in the car, and one of them is size 8...
(me): (slightly in shock)... oh wow, yeah! I was wanting to buy some and didn't get the chance to today, so that would be really nice...!

The man brought the boots and get this: they were EXACTLY like the boots I was looking for!!! Plus they are perfectly my size and already water-proofed and everything. And he had no idea before that that I was even looking for shoes.

Is that not like incredibly amazing???????

And that's not to mention all the money that people have just randomly given us, gift cards and movie tickets... money for coats and shoes... really amazing stuff guys.

God is incredible.

His kindness leads us to repentance.

His kindness draws us towards Him.

Let's run.

Wim and I- new coats and new shoes and a huge deposit in the "trust fund" that God provides for His children!

SURPRISE!!!

2010-11-20T10:37:00.003+04:00

Surprise... Wim and I are in America!!! :-)

in your arms

2010-10-24T12:59:00.003+04:00

LYRICS:
in your arms, I don't need all the answers
in your arms, I find a place of peace
in your arms, when I reach into the chaos
you hold me close and say, "hush"
you hold me close and say, "hush"

in your arms, I find that I have value
in your arms, I know that I am free
in your arms, I feel that I am lovely
you hold me close and say, "love"
you hold me close and say, "love"

in your arms, the world it seems much different
in your arms, my vision it is changed
in your arms, I long to make a difference
you hold me close and say, "go"
you hold me close and say, "go"

well you have won my heart, my love
you have won me over
and you're the one I want, my love
you are my heart's desire

in your arms, I know that you are holy
in your arms, I know that you're unique
in your arms, I know that there's no other
who'll hold me close and say, "hush"
you hold me close and say, "hush"

well you have won my heart, my love
you have won me over
and you're the one I want, my love
you are my heart's desire

in your arms

more than this (live)

2010-10-24T12:18:00.002+04:00

At the beginning of the month I was in Kiev, Ukraine for a 50 year jubilee celebration of Youth With a Mission. I had the opportunity to sing one of my songs with some of the musicians! It was really fun (and really quickly put together.. they learned the song and performed it in one day!)

P.S. Loren Cunningham liked my song! :-) hehe

LYRICS:
I don't want mere ideology
I won't want what we call reality
Or only what my eyes can see
I know there must be more
I don't want mere ideolgy
I don't want only what my eyes can see
I know there must be more than this
I know there must be more

And so I step outside and take a breath
Of something that is so much other than me
I cannot believe we all "just exist"
Oh-- what a purposeless life that would be
That would be

I don't want only what I can feel
I don't want only what my heart determines to be true and real
I know there must be more than this
I don't want only what my heart can feel
I don't want only what I can determine to be real and true
I know there must be more, be more than this

And so I step outside and take a breath
Of something so much other than me
I cannot believe we all "just exist"
Oh-- what a purposeless life that would be
That would be

I want Truth and all the light He brings
I want Love and all the freeing
I want Hope and all the joy
I want You and all You are

What a miracle it would be
To see that we are not only we
And what we see is not only what can be seen
What a miracle it would be
To see that we are not only we
And what we see is not only what can be seen

update

2010-10-24T11:56:00.002+04:00

Wow, I've really neglected this whole blog thing...

Well, anyways... a small update on my life:

I'm going to America and Belgium with Wim! We have plane tickets and we leave in just a little less than 3 weeks. This time is going to be probably pretty amazing and also pretty challenging. But I'm really looking forward to it.

We'll talk about YWAM Georgia and missions, and we'll also get the chance to meet each other's family and friends and experience each other's homeland.

In the meantime, we're still busy with ministries and meetings... oh, the YWAM life. :-)

the end

2010-09-18T14:46:00.004+04:00

I'm feeling God's blessing and inspiration these days. Many new things coming out of my heart into song.

"the end"

some think it's ironic
some think that it is cruel
some think it is pointless
but I think that it is true

some try to avoid it
some try to justify
some just plain ignore it
but to themselves they lie

that in the end
we'll have nothing in hand
when before
the great king we will stand
it will not depend
on our good or our bad
but only you
only on you
(Jesus)

some use their strength to gather
some use their skill to hoard
but will it really matter
how much wealth you've stored

some keep the best of company
some hold their heads up high
some think they're really lovely
but love they do deny

and in the end
we'll have nothing in hand
when before
the great king we will stand
it will not depend
on our good or our bad
but only on you
only on you

in the end
when before him we stand
it will not depend
on our good or our bad
not by what I have done
or by what I will do
only on you
only on you

not by what I have done
nor by what I can do
only by you

more than this

2010-09-11T23:29:00.002+04:00

I don't want mere ideology
I won't want what we call reality
Or only what my eyes can see
I know there must be more
I don't want mere ideolgy
I don't want only what my eyes can see
I know there must be more than this
I know there must be more

And so I step outside and take a breath
Of something that is so much other than me
I cannot believe we all "just exist"
Oh-- what a purposeless life that would be
That would be

I don't want only what I can feel
I don't want only what my heart determines to be true and real
I know there must be more than this
I don't want only what my heart can feel
I don't want only what I can determine to be real and true
I know there must be more, be more than this

And so I step outside and take a breath
Of something so much other than me
I cannot believe we all "just exist"
Oh-- what a purposeless life that would be
That would be

I want Truth and all the light He brings
I want Love and all the freeing
I want Hope and all the joy
I want You and all You are

What a miracle it would be
To see that we are not only we
And what we see is not only what can be seen
What a miracle it would be
To see that we are not only we
And what we see is not only what can be seen

svaneti

2010-09-07T00:05:00.008+04:00

Reflecting a bit on outreach, looking through some pictures.

Svaneti: 3 calves in a row

Svaneti: Mestia the capital
Svaneti: ancient watchtowers

Svaneti: village life makes you tough

Svaneti: our parting gift

a bit lost

2010-09-06T18:03:00.002+04:00

I feel like I've forgotten how to communicate. I don't have the desire to write on this blog. I don't really even have the desire to write a newsletter. I think I feel sooo disconnected from "that" world (mostly America) that it's hard for me to try to reach out and connect it with the one I'm currently living in.

Plus I'm in the process of love, which distracts me to some extent. And also changes me. So then I feel a bit lost how to express myself in my new-ish state.

And plus plus, we're in kind of a lower period of ministry and activity in general. DTS is over for the year. Base leaders on furlough in America. Things not as structured as in the past. And somehow I feel like I don't have much to say.

But I know I have to.

And I know that it can be good and positive for the people who read it, and also for me as I write it. But I struggle to jump the hurdle now...

So speaking of feeling disconnected... REALLY I do. I was watching some youtube videos the other day, from the States and I felt so strange. As I was watching, the Americans seemed like foreigners to me. Seriously. I mean, I'm around some Americans here too, but mostly ones that have been out of America for a while, so they're kind of different. And I guess it makes me confused.

Lord, please help me to get my thoughts (and identity) straight.

stages

2010-08-03T22:48:00.010+04:00

Well, again another nearly 6 months of my life has past. When I count, I've spent a total of 2 years in DTS (student&staff-hood). And my life is changed. Not necessarily by the teaching alone, although it helps to bring more knowledge and ideas and input and wisdom. But the practicality of it all. Living with a large amount of people. Having conflicts. Resolving them. Learning to love. To forgive. To cover sins with your love through forgiveness. To be of good character. To shut your mouth when necessary and/or for the benefit of another person. To see how God lives and moves and breathes in all of you and in your relationships. Amazing.

And also, I'm like totally absolutely in love. And I love this man named Wim. It's amazing to see how God is working and developing our relationship. The first time I met him was in Holland and this is also when he told me he was interested in me. So we were together for 3 weeks. Then separated for 3 months. Then together for 2 1/2 months. Again separated for 9 weeks. Now finally we're together again. And it's beautiful. And I can see through all of this how God is bringing us through stages, together and individually. Preparing, working, growing, teaching. And it's a beautiful process. To learn to love and to be loved. Oh, so grateful.

I just, love my life. Thank you God for this breath and this heartbeat.

food mom

2010-07-14T16:13:00.005+04:00

Somehow I think my life has begun to revolve around making food... is this the life of a mom? So, speaking of food... I made pizza today! While we were making bread. On the woodstove. Yesss. With my assistant, Christine (the DTS student from Ephrata). She's quite the prodigy!

hey, i'm a human

2010-07-11T10:13:00.003+04:00

I'm making bread on my free day. And lunch, and dinner. When we were in town, we just bought eggs or something and the students made their food when they wanted. Now, we're in a village and that's not possible.

At first I was a little tempted to be grumpy and somehow justify myself by showing the world how unfair it was that I had to do this stuff on my one and only free day. But then I realized...

this is real life.

And I got over it.

Now I'm actually kind of excited that I CAN make bread and be home-makery and all that kind of stuff. And that I can be a blessing to my team (or as I call them with all love and sincerity, "my chickens") by filling their tummies with delicious food.

This is just a little glimpse into my life as a real, live human being.

an ordained time

2010-07-07T20:24:00.008+04:00

We've been on outreach now for almost seven weeks, and there are only 17 days left until we return back to Tbilisi. Kobuleti was a great outreach location, working with the church there. Now we're in Svaneti, a very different place than Kobuleti-- but great in its own unique way.

our team in Svaneti

I confess I felt a bit of conviction today. I can say that in some way, I've been counting down the days until outreach is over. "... 17 days until I will be with Wim again... in the comfortable city of Tbilisi... with all of my belongings and comforts..." In one way, its normal. Probably a form of home-sickness (and Wim-sickness) or something.

But in another way, it seems like a grave sin. God ordained this whole outreach, and that includes the next 17 days-- and I believe that He has a plan for these PEOPLE-- these Svans, who live and move and breathe without hope, without help in their times of need, without comfort in their pain and struggle, without God. And how selfish it is of me to think only of myself and my comfort-- knowing that God has ordained this time, yet stealing my heart from the present and placing it in the future.

I understand that I am not the savior. I don't need to make everyone repeat the "repentance prayer" after me. But I have a responsibility to let the light that is within me shine out for the proper and ordained amount of time. And I want to commit to that.

"But my life is worth nothing to me unless I use it for finishing the work assigned to me by the Lord Jesus-- the work of telling others the good news about the wonderful grace of God." (Paul speaking about himself in Acts 20:24)

a neeeeew song!

2010-06-14T18:13:00.005+04:00

what is fate? what is it?
is it just a consequence?
or a lie that says:
we should live defeated
there's no reason to try

mhmhmhmhm

what is love? what is it?
is it just a feeling?
how can i know when:
i should fight or fly or try or hide

mhmhmhmhm

we have got so many choices
yes, there are so many ways
that we can live this life successfully
that we can live out all our days
but i am needing some direction
i need a little direction

what is faith? what is it?
is it just religion?
and a way to live:
this is wrong, this is right
but what is is death, what is life?

mhmhmhmhmhm

where's the way? where's the path?
where's the sign? where's the goal?
where's the road-- the direction that i need to go

what is truth? what is it?
where can we find it?

make me simple

2010-06-13T00:09:00.004+04:00

Life is crazy. Challenges approach. Choices have to be made-- face it or run away? Often I feel like running, but thanks to God who gives me strength... I'm not for now. I'm seeing how much more fulfilling it is to be a Christian with words and deeds, rather than just talking big and not living up to it. I guess I can't say that I fully live up to it now either, but I feel more in tune with myself. More like one person, instead of two (or more). Less complicated, more simple. I'm becoming who I am.

Great Maker, Creator
Your hands are so warm
So gentle, You mold me
Into my form
And who am I to tell You what to do?
You know very well, yes You do
Great Patience, how lovely
You bring into life
Your beauty, Your imagination
They're deep in my lines
And I'm excited now, You're almost through
I can live my purpose out, all for You
... You are the One, who breathed this life into me
And I am the clay, which You are molding
I know there is a purpose so deep
And I will find it, I will find it
Great Purpose, don't leave me
Please use me... I am ready

some things from outreach

2010-05-30T23:03:00.006+04:00

we're off to DTS outreach...

2010-05-18T13:06:00.002+04:00

“Do any of the worthless idols of the nations bring rain? Do the skies themselves send down showers? No, it is You, O Lord our God. Therefore our hope is in You, for You are the One who does all this.” Jeremiah 14:22

Outreach THE PLAN: 9 weeks --> 5 weeks in Kobuleti --> 4 weeks in Etseri

Our seven person team will head out on May 22nd. We will take the over-night train to Kobuleti, a city on the Black Sea. We’ve made connections with local pastors who are eager to have us there to serve with them. We desire to go to the surrounding villages and reach people there. Build relationships. Enjoy who God created them to be. And shine the light of God’s love and truth. The Western part of Georgia, including Kobuleti has a large Georgian Muslim population. We are planning to stay in this region for 5 weeks. Please pray for our work in Kobuleti. For our team to find unity and learn how to work together effectively (since it’s the first part of outreach, we will be learning a lot about our group dynamics).

After Kobuleti, we will head to the Svaneti region, which is in the Caucasus Mountains. We will be based in a village named Etseri for 4 weeks, and will partner with local Operation Mobilization workers there. We have many opportunities to work with children, to do practical work (helping villagers in their fields), and also to shine the light of God’s love and truth there. The Svaneti region is full of orthodox Christianity, but is mixed with many pagan traditions (animal sacrificing, festivals, idols). Please pray for our work in Etseri.

Please pray for me as a leader, for our two other staff (Maia & Mindia), for our students to grow and be DISCIPLED!! And please pray for unity for our group!

an update

2010-05-02T18:54:00.002+04:00

Discipleship Training School

“For this reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness… knowledge… self-control… perseverance… godliness… brotherly kindness… and love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.” 2 Peter 1:5-8

Our 4th annual DTS has begun and is well under way! • We’re more than halfway done with the lecture phase and are preparing for the 10 week practical outreach that will begin at the end of May. • Our DTS has a special focus of ministering to children and Muslims and so we’ve had a week of specialized teaching on each of those topics. We’ve also had teaching on topics such as: relationships, discipleship, and the Father heart of God. But just listening to lectures and taking in information is not the point or goal of DTS-- it’s to practically apply all that you hear and see into real-life… that means character-growth. It also means being challenged, stretched past the comfort-zone, and called to a higher standard. This process is often painful, but in the end it’s more than worth it. This is now the 3rd time I am staffing a DTS, and I continue to enjoy seeing the way our students change over the 22 weeks. Many come in hardened, bitter, but eager to learn-- and they leave with soft hearts, forgiveness & mercy in them and flowing out of them and they influence the world around them. This is why I love Discipleship Training School! It’s not just knowledge or information, it’s life-change. The most essential.

• And as a staff in DTS, I am constantly challenged as well. From learning how to submit to and obey my authorities (“…consequently, he who rebels against authority is rebelling against what God has instituted…” Ro. 13:5), being quick to forgive, slow to react (=holding my tongue), eager to serve the students and staff around me selflessly (“Love does no harm to its neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.” Ro. 13:10)… and the list could go on and on! And also this year, I will be leading an outreach team with 2 staff-helpers. In the past I’ve always led with my close friend and fellow-staff, Diana, but this year we will be separate… so I’m facing many challenges and really feel that God is calling me to live my life at a higher standard than before (with more godly character). •

“...I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.” Ephesians 4:1b-2

OTHER NEWS...
•  So, the 3 months I spent in Holland were fruitful in many ways. I grew in my relationship with God, knowledge of the Bible, confidence in my value & worth, and I began to develop a very important friendship with a Belgian man named Wim Dufoort. Just one problem… how to continue to develop this friendship?--I was leaving for Georgia. When I met Wim, he was in a transition period, seeking God for the next step he should take in missions (he’s been in YWAM 10 years, in both Holland & India). So after praying & consulting with our leaders, we decided that he would come to Georgia in March, which would give us the opportunity to get to know each other better and seek God about our future together. We’re happy with our progress so far. It’s challenging, fun, enlightening, thrilling, scary, and yet fulfilling. We’ve both been discovering a lot about ourselves: the good and the bad, strengths and weaknesses...and are learning how to grow a healthy relationship. Please pray with us! We want to understand God’s plan for our lives- personally & in ministry.

Prayer Requests...
• MY TONSILS: I’m sure you’ve heard the Facebook news that I was supposed to have my tonsils out… it was true. I went to the doctor because of a small lump in my throat. She diagnosed me saying that my left tonsil is infected and the lump is a symptom of the infection. She said that I needed to have my tonsils removed. In this part of the world, tonsil surgery is still very acceptable and common, whereas in Western countries doctors are now more hesitant to remove them. So I called her and asked if there was another way, she in turn prescribed me some kind of natural medicine and said that it would help… but I’m still here with this small lump that causes me a small amount of discomfort, and I’m not really sure what to do to handle this in the proper and wisest manner. It’s a very inconvenient time, just 3 weeks left before we will leave for our 9 week outreach and I already feel overwhelmed with all that I need to do in this short time. Also it can be challenging to find a doctor with advice or practices that are comparable with Western medicine. I want to be wise, and at the same time not worried (“Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?” Matt. 6:27)
 
• MY CAR: I’m still in the process of raising $3000 so that I will be able to pay off my car by June. Thanks to those of you who’ve responded and supported! I’m very grateful!

PLEASE PRAY WITH ME ABOUT THESE THINGS!

DTS 2010

2010-03-13T22:52:00.003+04:00

Back Row (staff) L-R: Diana, Ira, Maia, ME, Mindia, Tamila, Korinne, Dennis
Middle Row (students): Tonia, Nino, Otari, Tamuna, Natia
Front Row (students): Christine, Tamazi, Kyla

four down....

2010-03-06T15:11:00.002+04:00

DTS has begun!! And things are going well! The first week was pretty exhausting, because we staff were doing most of the teaching. I personally taught on "worship" and cross-cultural living & relationships, and also was involved in many other planning/preparing things. It's fun and I actually really enjoy teaching, but it does take a lot of energy from me at least now. But I think probably too, just being in a new location for the DTS, in a village, without power for a couple days, with just so many new things-- also takes energy!!

But on Sunday we'll receive our first teacher.. he'll teach about "discipleship". I honestly am not sure what that will all consist of, but I'm expecting good things. :-)

We have 8 students in the DTS. But only 7 are living at the "DTS house" (which is also Dennis and Korinne's house...), because the 8th is a 65 year old Georgian grandpa. So he stays 2 nights a week at the house, but the rest he goes home to his wife in the evening. Other than that we have 1 Georgian guy, 4 Georgian girls, 1 Canadian girl and 1 American girl. It's pretty fun. Definitely cross-cultural and interesting. And I really enjoy watching how the students begin to connect and relate.

As a leader, I have so many questions about how to "do it right"... how to be the best for the students and it leaves me with a lot of questions, but I was encouraged the other day. I found this verse:

"For you know that we dealt with each of you as a father deals with his own children, encouraging, comforting and urging you to live lives worthy of God, who calls you into his kingdom and glory." 1 Thessalonians 2:11-12

So, I know I'm not a father, but its the idea of relating to the students like a parent relates to children. With love and care. And the practical steps of encouraging, comforting, and urging them to live lives worthy of God!! So, I'm practicing and praying that I will become a leader that can do these things.

appreciation & honor

2010-02-13T14:43:00.008+04:00

So many new thought processes going on these days.

Being the person that I want others to be to me? Not in changing my core personality... but for example: I expect and desire forgiveness for my mistakes, but how forgiving am I when people hurt me? I want to experience true acceptance in my relationships, but how accepting am I of the people around me?

Another thought about comparison: I often (like say, 97% of the time) compare myself with everyone in everything. I'm not proud of it, but just acknowledging the current fact. But it really hinders me from appreciating beauty and respecting people. Generally when I'm walking around downtown, I observe the girls. I see one who has nice hair, or a nice figure, cute clothes, etc. and then I think-- but I don't have that? Is she more beautiful than me? What do I have that she doesn't have? How can I get ahead of her in my comparison game?

Please don't be frightened. This is just an honest look into my weaknesses and my process of CHANGE. So much of how I view things is in the process of being re-adjusted. Re-aligned. Re-established. And filled with more and more Truth.

But then I realized, what if I walked around, observed the beauty of the girls around me and acknowledged (honored, appreciated) their beauty without even bringing myself into the picture. Just acknowledge, honor, appreciate her beauty and in that way give glory to God because He is the Artist and what He designs is good.

I'm really beginning to believe that there is so much happiness in honoring, respecting, loving, giving out to other people: more than receiving ourselves.

"Stuff my dad never told me about RELATIONSHIPS" is a super interesting book (well, so far at least) and it talks in detail about this. The "flow" of giving out. Of finding unconditional love not by seeking for it, but by giving it out to others. Finding value not in seeking it, but in valuing others. Very interesting stuff.

"This is the message you heard from the beginning: We should love one another. Do not be like Cain, who belonged to the evil one and murdered his brother. And why did he murder him? Because his own actions were evil and his brother's were righteous....

This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers..." 1 John 3:11-12, 16

make the widow's heart sing

2010-02-11T22:29:00.006+04:00

I just came across one of the newsletters that I wrote not long after arriving in Georgia to be a student in DTS... it seems like SO long ago. Almost 4 years, seriously??!

But I feel encouraged and re-inspired by my experience at that time. I want to continue to have this kind of heart and desire, eh. So here you go, straight from the past... August 23, 2006 -->

Gamarjobat!

It's been 9 weeks and one day since I arrived in Georgia. There are things that haven't changed, like the weather (HOT) and the amazingly tasty puri (bread). But there is a lot that has changed. I feel like I've sort of grown-up a bit (unbelievable, I know) just from being in a foreign country. Like I can go to the market and buy meat (that is as long as I can't tell what kind of animal it came from) and I cook sometimes and clean, and do other semi-responsible things.

But I feel more that I'm growing-up emotionally.

Not saying that I've had any huge breakthroughs or anything like that, but I guess I'm just seeing all of these issues that have been like festering inside of me for a long time, and I'm beginning to address them. It's also just totally enlightening being here, because you see so much hurt and pain and need, and it's like your world suddenly opens up. I mean, I wasn't always ignorant of the hurting and lost people, but it's so much more real to me now that I'm here. Like when you see a woman sitting on the street with huge, open, oozing and totally infected sores on her legs begging for money. Or when you see a gypsy woman holding her baby and know that it's highly likely that that child will be raised not really knowing what truth is. Or when you see a 70 or 80 year old woman digging through the garbage and eating what she finds.

It's hard you know. It hurts to see it. Sometimes because you wish more than anything that you could do something more to help them, like really help them, but you know that you can't. And sometimes it hurts because you see your own life and problems and realize how small they are in comparison to these peoples'. It makes you grateful, but at the same time sort of ashamed. But in spite of it all, I would rather be here seeing all of this, than in my own comfortable and small world (although I tend to get caught up in it, even here).

... I was reading in Job last night and these verses just really struck my heart. I guess the description of this compassion and mercy is just really beautiful, and someday I would hope that I would be able to live out at least one of these actions.

Job 29:11-17, "Whoever heard me spoke well of me, and those who saw me commended me, because I rescued the poor who cried for help, and the fatherless who had none to assist him. The man who was dying blessed me; I made the widow's heart sing. I put on righteousness as my clothing; justice was my robe and my turban. I was eyes to the blind and feet to the lame. I was a father to the needy; I took up the case of the stranger. I broke the fangs of the wicked and snatched the victims from their teeth."

make your words alive

2010-01-31T01:25:00.001+04:00

Oh. My. Goodness.

I feel like I've stepped into the Hall of Learning and I'm surrounded on all sides. I mean, I know we are always in the learning process (if we allow ourselves to be), but now I feel that there are an extraordinary amount of things to learn. So much to walk out. Live out. Speak out. Think out. Feel out. Words and thoughts and truth to be brought to life, to be manifest in my flesh.

I'm excited, anticipating the great journey it will be.

And equally afraid of failure.

"you are for me"

2010-01-30T18:14:00.002+04:00

So faithful
So constant
So loving and so true
So powerful in all you do
You fill me
You see me
You know my every move
You love for me to sing to you

I know that you are for me
I know that you are for me
I know that you will never forsake me in my weakness
I know that you have come now
Even if to write upon my heart
To remind me who you are

So patient
So gracious
So merciful and true
So wonderful in all you do
You fill me
You see me
You know my every move
You love for me to sing to you

for the first time?

2010-01-19T09:50:00.003+04:00

Life is so deep. I mean, when I don't think about it, I can just float through and not really realize the depth of things. But when I stop to think about it...

Like, I realized (quite a while ago, but the realization seems to come and go) that when I walk around and I semi-interact with hundreds (maybe even thousands) of people a day...in the metro, on the bus, at the bazaar, etc... I most of the time don't really give each of those people the full acknowledgment of their person-hood. I don't think about what kind of childhood they had, what talents they are gifted with, what kind of day they're going through at the moment, etc. I think mostly about their interaction with me... either they're in my way, or they're trying to sell me something overpriced, or they are kind and I appreciate them.

But when I think about my life for example, I feel that it's pretty complex and deep and important. I have an interesting past, and interesting life, I go through tons of emotions and experiences that I find to be very significant. .... And to realize that the people around me have the same weightiness to their lives... it for some reason really brings another depth of life that is quite unexplainable. And I don't even really know what to do with it. But it intrigues me.

The terrifying this is, I wonder if I'm just so proud -(thinking I'm a better person than the rest, or that me and what I have and think is more important) - that this is a common realization/understanding that every healthily humble person has and that I'm just now waking up to it...

... ?

in the meantime

2010-01-16T21:49:00.005+04:00

We've moved! Now to get settled.

In the meantime, spending some time with street people/kids. Here's some pictures!

This is Bebo Luba (Grandma Luba)!

With one of the street girls new babies.

With more of the street kids, and Nato (who runs the center through which we work with the kids to teach them language, make crafts, and feed them)

beyond my complete understanding, yet shining truth

2010-01-13T02:27:00.003+04:00

God's ways are unfathomable to me at times. Mysterious, mystifying, deep, profound.

And completely wonderful.

late night ramblings from my mobile phone

2010-01-10T05:20:00.001+04:00

It's late, but I can't sleep. My mind is running around apartments, as I lay in a half-conscious state. I think the coffee I drank at 9pm affected me... though I hate to admit it. I'm from Washington state, the birthplace of Starbucks- and I'm losing my caffeine tolerance??! Unbelievable!

Well, here I try again... to sleep, that is.

Oh! We found an apartment by the way! It feels like a miracle. It's bigger, cheaper, nice landlord, contract signed, some money paid... move in by Friday. :-)

this is life

2010-01-08T20:49:00.004+04:00

To be honest, I'm feeling a little down and discouraged. I know that it won't take much to come out of that-- pretty much I just have to chose to trust God and His proven ways-- but for some reason I find a bit of comfort in feeling down? Maybe I should stop. I don't think it's worth it to feel a little good with the cost of having a crappy attitude borne out of it.

Sooo... we've been on this apartment search. We found a really great apartment 2 days ago, and we were planning to meet today to make the "contract" (this could be a real contract, but probably just a verbal agreement and financial transaction). But when we called this morning to see when we should meet, they said that they changed their mind. They already pretty much promised us this apartment, but they changed their mind. *Shock*

So, we began our apartment search again. This is not so easy, especially since we're looking for an apartment that can house 4 girls and 2 kids. And we are in Georgia, so when an apartment is listed as having "3 rooms", that often means: a bedroom, a smaller bedroom and a living room. Or sometimes there is a decent apartment, but there is a problem with the neighbors (one apartment was pretty good, but the downstairs neighbors are pretty particular about noise, and we have 2 little kids running around...). And plus, the agent who's been helping us the most-- he's a really great businessman, but also pushy and talks a lot and it's hard to make a decision because he's talking the whole time you're trying to think, and then trying to convince you about things that you know won't work. The last apartment we saw today was big enough, and cheap enough.. but like totally not finished. Not even wall paper. No heater. No stove. Cracks in the windows.

So I'm tired.

We're supposed to be out of the apartment we're in now, by the 15th. Of course we won't be homeless. If we can't find a place in time, there are some places we could stay temporarily... but it's just exhausting moving here and there and I think it's pretty hard for the kids too.

So these are my current worries...

I really know that God is in control and that this is easy for Him. But I feel totally overwhelmed and confused. What to choose, what to sacrifice (more money or less comfort), and it's just really difficult. I understand the concept of not worrying, just giving it up to God and trusting Him because the situation is already pretty impossible for me to figure out on my own... but putting that concept into action?... I want to continue to try.

In the meantime, my mood is irritable and my reactions quick. So I'm managing that, trying to prevent as much relational damage as possible.

Aii, this is life.

on the search

2010-01-05T20:38:00.002+04:00

Still on the apartment search... and going back and forth between being peaceful that things will work out and stressed out that there are too many decisions and changes. Today we looked at two apartments. Tomorrow we have 3 appointments to look at several apartments. Apartments apartments apartments. la la la

new song

2010-01-03T12:46:00.001+04:00

listen here
great maker
creator
your hands are so warm
so gentle
you mold me
into my form

who am i to tell
you what to do
you know very well
yes you do

great patience
how lovely
you bring into life
your beauty
your imagination
they're deep in my lines

i'm excited now
you're almost through
i can live my purpose out
all for you

and you are the one
who breathed this life into me
and i am the clay
which you are molding
and i know there is
a purpose so deep
and i will find it
i will find it

great purpose
don't leave me
please use me
i'm ready

2010-01-01T22:46:00.002+04:00

(WATERDEEP)

When the cold wind blows all around
Will you still love me?
still love me
When the cold wind blows all around
Will you still love me?

When the lightning crashes
Hopes are dashed and I
Am asking how this comes to me
and why

When no home on Earth can be found
Will you still love me?
still love me
When no home on Earth can be found
Will you still love me?

When you left us last time
You said You’d return
And I’m sorry that it
takes so long to learn

That my hope is to walk forever
in the coolness of the day
Oh my hope is to walk forever
in the coolness of the day

When the cold wind blows all around
You will still love me
still love me
When the cold wind blows all around
You will still love me

transitions

2010-01-01T18:23:00.001+04:00

Sometimes I feel that my brain is too small to fit and comprehend all of my experiences.

I'm looking at pictures of my time in Holland and it's difficult for me to comprehend that I was there. I'm not going crazy or anything, but I'm just switching back and forth from so many different "lives" and I'm just one Jenni. Eh.

I just now unpacked my suitcase from Holland. I took all the things that were left and dumped them on the floor. The suitcase is empty. The floor is semi-full. And now I begin the process of organizing.. BUT, I cannot settle. I can't just unpack everything and make my room mine. Because we have to move to an unknown apartment by the 15th of this month. So I'm unpacking to pack? Or maybe unpacking is not the right term. Maybe just rearranging my luggage. Ha!

How do I feel about all of this? I really don't know.

I just got a phone call from one of my street grandmas! It was so sweet! Oh Lord. There are so many people to love. I feel so small, but I want to do so much. Sometimes it's really overwhelming. My life feels too big for me. But is that even possible?

Well, another year gone by. It's funny though how December 31st and January 1st feel the same. I cynically am wondering how this new year is really new... maybe I'm just put-off by all the hype. I mean, technically every day is a new day too. It's a cycle cycling. A year is another cycle that continues too. So maybe we should start celebrating "happy new day"! People seem to get really positive, motivated, reflective & thoughtful, re-focused and maybe even humbled around New Years. Imagine if we celebrated every new day. Maybe we'd be happier. Maybe our resolutions would be more tangible. Instead of "I want to be nice to every person I meet this whole year"...we could have "I want to be nice to every person I meet today"... that sounds much more attainable. Breaking things into smaller pieces. Step by step. Hmm. I'm beginning to feel thoughtful and reflective myself.

by request...

2009-12-24T08:52:00.002+04:00

Kari Jobe/ Christ for the Nation's - The More I Seek You

two loves

2009-12-23T00:00:00.003+04:00

I'm back in Georgia! I love it. It's so sunny. And chaotic. And there are so many dark-haired beautiful Georgians (as in comparison to light-haired beautiful Dutchies) :-). And I just am glad to be back.

But that's not to say that I don't miss Holland... I do! Enough to spend extra money to buy hand soap that was from Holland (or that I at least saw in Holland) instead of just regular hand soap. And that I got excited that I saw a Nutella jar that had Dutch on it and was from Holland. Slightly ridiculous, but these were my true feelings!

I'm totally in love with this song "The More I Seek You" - Kari Jobe/Christ for the Nations. I am like constantly singing it either in my head or out loud when I'm walking around. It's really how I feel these days:

the more I seek You
the more I find You
the more I find You
the more I love You

I want to sit at Your feet
drink from the cup in Your hand
lay back against You and breathe
feel your heartbeat
this love is so deep
it's more than I can stand
i melt in Your peace
it's overwhelming

Beautiful. Profound. Amazing.

Well, off to bed. I have a meeting tomorrow! The fun begins. :-)
Georgia, I love you and am glad to be back. Holland, I love you too and hope to return soon!

just reflecting.

2009-12-17T17:44:00.004+04:00

It's snowing.

It's so interesting to be able to witness the incredibly amazing way the seasons change. Like, I'm looking out the window and now its snowy and white, the trees are bare, and it's cold. And 3 months ago, it was sunny and green, the trees were full and it was bright and warm. It's hard to fathom how many things happened in these short 3 months. Life is a mystery to me. I'm feeling poetic and reflective now, but my words don't suffice. But I'm amazed. Life is beautiful. Creation is beautiful.

I'm really starting to believe that I'm going back to Georgia. I mean, I always knew I was going back after the school was finished (I have a plane ticket!). But it's so easy to get involved and caught up in life here. But now things are really coming to an end. I had my last one-on-one. Last time in worship with the base. My last test. And I'm procrastinating on doing my homework for the last time now. So many lasts. I feel a little sad, but not completely. Pretty numb too (from so many contradicting emotions! excited to go back to Georgia, sad to leave, etc.). But totally full of gratitude for this life-changing 3 months in Holland. Another chapter to my story, eh.

I'm really wondering about my life. Sometimes I think that I want to have a more consistent one. Not having to switch "homes" so much. Knowing more what to expect. Being more comfortable. But then I think that I'd be unhappy in that situation. But then I think, is life all about traveling and excitement? All about being comfortable and consistent? I don't know. Is there even a standard that determines that your life was good or well lived? I'm really wondering. I'm really wondering what I want. What God wants to use me for. What I'd like. What would be fulfilling. What I can do. A lot of life-destiny questions.

I wish I could know the answers now, but I understand that I can't. I'll know as I walk into them.

character is essential

2009-11-05T01:34:00.005+04:00

I am still alive.

In Holland.

Although, I feel that my homework is eating me alive.

But I'm surviving.

One of my "goals" for the BCC was to grow in self-discipline. And I guess forcing yourself to do the homework you have to do even when you don't want to do it would fall under that category.

My life is very interesting, right now. Feel like I'm driving blindfolded. And I'm so not in control. I'm totally tried in my patience. But I know there's no other end than to persevere.

So continues the process of character growth.

trusting is not so easy

2009-10-13T20:56:00.002+04:00

It's so hard to trust sometimes. I wish it weren't, but it really is. And it's funny... it's a lot easier to tell people that they need to trust God-- but then to actually do it myself is a lot harder.

Or it feels like I'm letting go of what I can't control and trusting, but then in a wave of emotion it hits me again and I'm knocked to the ground (this is what I feel like).

I just don't really know how to come to grips with the fact that I'm an incredibly emotional person. I know that God made me that way, and I want to be able to embrace that, but it so controls me a lot more than I'd like it to, and THAT I don't know what to do with.

I don't like that I get pulled around by how I feel, but how do I change it so that my emotions can help me and not hurt me?

I have a lot of questions.

The Bible Course is going pretty good. We have quite a bit of homework. We have a book of the Bible that we study for a week, and we do a lot of different things with that, looking up historical information, trying to understand the context more through various means. Also one day a week we are reading the Bible out loud. We'll read through almost the whole Bible out loud by the end of the 3 months.

Holland is still great. I think that I definitely have fallen in love with the beautiful nature! Every morning I ride through the forest to go to class... how amazing is that. I love it very much.

Also, I've started helping out with worship a little bit on the base. It's fun to get involved. But I notice too that I miss being involved in ministries-- I miss my street kids and my street people!!

But I'm glad to be where I am and I'm trying to embrace the day, eh.

at the moment...

2009-10-10T00:32:00.002+04:00

some people think that freedom is found in chaos.
some people think that knowledge is shown with words.
I believe there is freedom in submission...
and knowledge shown through silence...
before the Living God.
BEFORE THE LIVING GOD.

"The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction." Proverbs 1:7

jjjenni and the wwwindmill

2009-09-28T18:51:00.003+04:00

Hey everyone!

So I'm still alive and well in Holland. :-)

Classes have started and we just today really got into it. We're reading through the whole Bible in these 3 months, so we have specific Bible reading days and today was one of those. Me and the 2 other people in my English speaking group read the books out-loud and then afterwards we answer questions. Also, before we read the book, we have these little introductions to each book that give us more information about when it was written, to whom, etc. So, so far today we've read: 1&2 Thessalonians, 1&2 Timothy, Titus, Philemon, James, Ephesians, Colossians and we will read 1&2 Corinthians tonight. And I'm pretty sure there is something that I left out. It's pretty intense, but I'm sure it will only increase in intensity... like when we read 1&2 Kings and it will supposedly take 6+ hours...!!!

I have a great roommate named Sonja from Germany. We get along really well! And I just really like all the people in my school, students and staff.

The weather has been really really beautiful this last week (I've been here for a week already!), but unfortunately it looks like it's going to get colder and possibly rainy. :-( But I'm grateful for the nice weather we've had. :-)

Well, here's like one of the only pictures that I've taken since I've been in Holland... I know that's pretty lame. But you wouldn't believe how hard it is to take pictures when you're riding a bike....

It's Jenni and a giant windmill!! This is the first Dutch windmill that I've ever seen in my entire life that was not on a coloring page or in some cultural Christmas pamphlet thing. :-)

holland is da bomb.

2009-09-22T17:15:00.002+04:00

Hallllooooo!!!

I'm in Holland and I'm really really loving it! But I have heard that the first stage of being in another culture is the "honeymoon" part where everything is amazing and beautiful and you love it-- and then you begin to see all the negative things. So I'm just really praying that I won't get to that part. I only have 3 months and I don't want to waste it on having a bad attitude and getting offended about different cultural things that I can't control or change. Really praying!

Our course will start on Wednesday and so these days I'm just kind of getting introduced to living here. I've rented my bike (which is super amazing-- I'll have to take some pictures and show you!) and that's my transportation! The place where we live is kind of like a village, but a modernized-ish one, but quaint and quiet and cute and green and beautiful! And the base is in a neighboring village, so I ride on a bike trail through the forest to get there! We'll have most of our lectures, etc. at the base. I think pretty much the only negative thing about the bike is that my bottom is reallllllyy sore...! But I think after a few days it will get used to it! :-) And also I have yet to ride in the rain... but I'm sure I'll experience that soon enough. BUT I pretty much love my bike.

The town is also very cute. Lots of cute shops. Lots of things calling at me to buy them because they either don't exist in Georgia, aren't as good quality or are cheaper here-- but I'm trying to remember that my happiness is not birthed from an abundance of cute possessions. :-) I'm sure I will buy some things, but I'm definitely having a challenge in self-control and keeping my perspective in tempting times!!

So, yeah! I'm really enjoying it here! I feel like it's really a gift from God! I'm sure though that when I start studying I will be more focused on that than on being continually amazed at my surroundings!!!-- but for now I'm enjoying it. :-)

Thanks for all your prayers and interests!

i love

2009-09-14T19:51:00.005+04:00

I HAVE MY PLANE TICKET TO HOLLAND.

not that i'm excited or anything... or maybe I AM!!!!!!!

So that's some great news to share with you! Really, it's a miracle. Just like a couple of weeks ago I thought that maybe I wouldn't go-- but now I have a plane ticket. I really see through this God's power and active-ness in our lives and concerns. He is really amazing. Thank you Lord for leading me and helping me to this Bible school in Holland!!

Also as I was walking downtown today post-ticket-buying, I saw some of my street kids from the center. They were so sweet!!! And I was super encouraged-- one of the street sellers was telling me how good of kids they were. Once they wanted to buy some earrings but didn't have money at the time, so they sort of took out a "loan" (for a couple of cents) and said they'd bring the money the next day-- and they DID. So this lady was saying how good they were and how much she trusts them, and I was standing there with my arms around them saying how good they were too-- and I think the kids really liked that. People valuing them. And I was filled with so much hope! There are many people who say that these people groups (Kurds&Gypsies) will always be liars and thieves and beggars-- but I can see that they are wrong. These children can change. They can be "normal". They can be respected and show respect. How cool is that. Again, God is pretty amazing. Because He cares. He wants to teach them and help them out of the situation they're in. I absolutely believe that. And I just pray that I really can be a part of it.

new songs

2009-09-13T22:05:00.004+04:00

Hey all! Well, I seem to have made decent use of my time since I got back from Kiev and wrote that last blog post. I recorded 2 of my newer songs. You can go ahead and listen-- think of them like "rough drafts"! :-) But I hope you enjoy them. Here's the PLACE YOU CAN LISTEN & lyrics:

It's Not Heavy
I am yoked to Freedom
I am yoked to Love
And maybe you won't believe it
But it's not heavy at all
(repeat)

Is it possible
To live this life alone?
I have come to see
That the answer is, "no"

I have spent so many days
Walking under the weight
Of this world and all its worries
And I could hardly stand
With my broken back
But You came
You came
You came...

Easier & Easier
Lord, please reveal
All the things that I've thought
That were not true at all
Lord, please heal
All these wounds that I've got
And the ones that I've caused
Lord, please hear
My prayer and my cry and my song

'Cause it's not always easy
To trust in what you can't see
But I know You're real
I can feel it
Yes I can feel You inside
And I know You're right
I know You're right
I can feel it

Lord, I have come
Pretty far on my way
But I don't want to stay
Where I have been
So please hold me close
And take my hand
And lead me
Lead me
Lead me...
Where You want me

And it gets easier and easier
To trust in Your good character
I believe You'll do
What You've promised

i'm so patriotic (to georgia, that is)

2009-09-13T17:54:00.006+04:00

Well, I'm back!!!

The conference was pretty much AWESOME. There weren't 500 people there though, more like 300. But I was not as socially awkward as I had expected myself to be. The worship times were really quite incredible, God really revealed some new things (new to me) about worshiping Him. Before (and I guess it probably will still happen sometimes, I'm not completely transformed in my thinking yet, but in process...) if I had like some mistake that I'd made, or if I felt not so good, or a lot of different things, it was so hard for me to sing worship songs to God. Like really hard. Even after I repented of my sin or whatever it was, it took me quite a while to get back to feeling normal and being able to sing to God. But God really quite continually spoke to me about the fact that He doesn't change, no matter what I do/have done or what I'm feeling-- He is always the same and therefore He is always worthy to be praised. And He always loves me. His love for me does not go away even when I make mistakes, so I can really still sing about His love in the midst of my incorrect feelings of being unloved because of my mistakes.

Also had a great time just getting more connected with people in our organization-- ones that I'd met before and ones that I met for the first time. And pretty much I love my life and I love that I'm a part of an organization that I feel is really seeking to know God more than any organizational type thing. And out of relationship with God, everything else flows. It's so cool to see people up to like 70+ something years old, who have the same vision and ideas as me, who aren't all like "super holy", but confess that they are on the same path to getting to know Jesus. Old people that don't make me feel small. Old people that make me feel like I can actually do something and succeed in this life. I LOVE IT. (www.ywam.org)

I'm just continually amazed at how increasingly exciting my life has become once I really decided to give it to Jesus. I love it. I love it. I love it.

So, getting ready to go to Holland. This begins my last week of craziness in Georgia before I head out. I still don't have my plane ticket & 1000 euros that I need to have toward my school fee before I buy my plane ticket in my bank account yet although people have said it's on the way. What can I do?-- but Lord, you know what I need.

At this conference I became acquainted with a new song that I really really like a lot and feel like my heart will explode when I sing it (out of love and meaning, of course):

This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides

This is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flame

CHORUS:
I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

This is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow

dun dun dun

2009-09-07T14:05:00.003+04:00

Well, I'll be heading off to a University of the Nations (www.uofn.edu) conference in Kiev in just about an hour. There will be... 8 of us from the Youth With a Mission Tbilisi base, and 5 of the 8 are Georgians!! That is a first for us! So I'm pretty excited. There will be about 500 people there. So I guess that makes me a little nervous too (I sometimes can be really awkward in large social settings). But I'm trying not to think about it. My latest received advice about that problem: "Just focus on the other person"... so that's what I'll be trying to do!

Also some good news about Holland, it looks like I WILL be going! I've talked with a few people and it looks like I will have enough support coming in to buy a plane ticket, pay for my rent in Georgia while I'm gone, and begin saving up to pay the course fee. So that's actually quite a miracle. Because I went from probably not going to pretty much yes going in like 2 days. Over $2000 raised in 2 days. That would be God's work.

So I'm excited about that, but am foreseeing that it will be a very stressful time for me when I get back from Kiev. I'll have just one more week in Georgia to get my plane ticket, pack up my bedroom, pack for Holland, finish whatever responsibilities I need to, etc. and then leave. So you can be praying for me if you think about it.

:-)

Well, off I go on another adventure!

I love my life.

3weeks

2009-08-31T23:31:00.005+04:00

So I went to the nose doctor today. She asked me a couple questions, and then told me to go to this other place to get a bacteria test from the inside of my nose. Then I mentioned that I'd be going to Kiev next week (I'm going for the University of the Nations Workshop) and she was like...

"NO! Don't go!!" I asked why. "Because a power-plant exploded in Leningrad (St. Petersburg) last night and there's radiation!!!"

That was really calming news. But I just tried not to think about it. I'm sure it really did happen (I found a couple things on the internet too), but I'm not sure to what extent. She said Russia was trying to cover up the facts. To be honest, in the back of my mind I wonder if some Russian intelligence spy will read this blog entry because I wrote "Russia" and "power-plant exploded" TWICE. But I really hope it's not too serious of an explosion/leak/problem. I have friends in that city!!!

So, I left that doctor's office and went to this other place where they do "bacteriophage". Something like that. I'll get the results on the 3rd.

I've started packing for Holland / the apartment move that will happen while I'm in Holland. Two things that really amaze me. One: I've been packing for probably a combined total of 10 hours and I feel like I haven't even made a dent in it all. How is that possible??!?! Two: It's really strange how the 2 bags that I brought with me to Georgia for the first time I came to stay in 2006, somehow multiplied to like 10 bags + a desk + a bookshelf+ a million other household things. Seriously. How does that happen??!?!

Also, I have to say I'm feeling the most tested with faith in finances now than I ever have been in my entire life. I'm supposed to leave in 3 weeks. I don't have a plane ticket. I do have $900 pledged. I don't have money to pay my last months rent or the rent for when I'm gone. I don't have money for the school fees. I do have some money saved for my conference registration fee in Kiev... that's good. I can't say that all this lack of money really bothers me so much, I'm so just going about my business preparing for everything, but every once in a while I think and I laugh at myself a little bit. Like, "Jenni... are you crazy? You're preparing to go and you have no money to pay for it?" But then I think that there must be some way and I'm certain I'll see a miracle. Side note: I don't want to say that this is all an excuse for financial irresponsibility. That's not what I'm plugging at all. I just happen to be in a situation where I didn't have a lot of time to plan and I'm riding the waves. But planning is good, and if you can do it especially with money things-- I definitely recommend it!

Just so you know.

Well, I'm going to try to tidy up the mess just a little bit so I can sleep for now. :-)

short

2009-08-31T01:20:00.002+04:00

My nose is bad again... so I'm going to go to a new nose-doctor tomorrow and will hopefully find an answer for my chronically congested/infected nose.

I've spent the evening packing (practice-packing) for Holland. Which is funny because I don't even have a plane ticket yet, and I'm supposed to leave in like 3 weeks...!

Also, before I go to Holland, I have to pack up my room so its ready to be moved while I'm away. So, because of it all my room is a complete disaster and I don't have the strength now to tidy it up.

Transition and waiting times are so hard. Seriously.

But they lead to great things.

some BIG news!

2009-08-20T20:30:00.002+04:00

I’m going to The Netherlands to receive more training within YWAM! I’ll be attending a 3-month training called, Bible Core Course (BCC). I can say that this is a very different course than I had expected to take… but I believe it’s what God wants for me now!

Why This School? I was on outreach in Rene, and we had just had a staff meeting. We were just sharing with each other our feelings and what had been on our minds, and I shared that I was really wanting to hear from God about my future after this DTS. I’d been looking into YWAM counseling training schools and specifically at one in India… but I just didn’t have complete peace about it, and neither did my base leaders. So, I asked my fellow outreach staff to pray for me that God would just really show me the best direction to go after DTS. They prayed and then just a couple days later, I received a text message from one of my base leaders. She had been searching for opportunities for future training and found a Bible Core Course in the Netherlands… I thought about it and the more I thought the more that I saw that it would really be the most helpful step for me now in ministry. To have a more firm understanding of God’s word and for me to know better how to study the Bible in my personal times with God! So that is how this was all “born”.

What is a Bible Core Course? “The BCC is a 12-week course that will introduce you to the inductive approach of Bible study. The inductive approach means that you let the Bible speak for itself. You practice this by learning to observe what the Bible text actually says, by skills of interpretation and by applying the Word of God to your life. During the 3 months you will read the entire Bible and study in depth at least 14 Bible books, from different forms of literature. The teachings will often be combined with workshops to involve you as an active part of the teachings. There is a lot of variety in the workshops, like drawing, drama, music or group activity. In this way you will be equipped with many tools for integrating the Word into your life.” (www.ywam.nl/heidebeek/bcc/en/)

The course will start on September 23rd and I will return to Tbilisi after the course finishes on December 18th, to continue my ministry with YWAM Tbilisi. I still feel a calling to be in Georgia working with DTS and other ministries-- and even while I’m in The Netherlands at the YWAM Heidebeek base, I’m still considered YWAM Tbilisi staff and will have to do my best to represent our little country and base in a good and true way! :-)

What This Has to Do With You…? -- I NEED YOUR HELP!
The fee for this course is about $ 2850. The airfare is about $ 600. Also, I will still need to rent an apartment in Tbilisi while I’m gone, and that will be about $900. And plus, for travel expenses and for living in The Netherlands (renting a bike-- I hear it will be my main form of transportation!, buying books for school, purchasing health insurance which is required in the Netherlands, etc.) So, Im looking for a total of about $5000 + continued monthly support. I know that this is a lot of money to ask for, especially in our time of “economic-crisis”-- but all I can do is ask you and trust God that He will make it happen! After all, I wasn’t even thinking about this until He brought it up. :-)

Leave me a comment with your email address included if you'd like to help out financially, and I will send you the information you need!

I... I'm...

2009-08-14T23:09:00.002+04:00

I'm up late, researching information about The Netherlands.

I ate "Asian Fast Food" last night-- in Georgia, that's next to a miracle.

I bought Second-Hand clothes today, but that's not unusual.

I'm incredibly tired, but filled with excitement for the days to come.

I wish there were more hours in the day and more fire in my heart to be motivated, to do all the things that need to/should be done.

I'm also slightly frustrated that Western Union will not make a Bank-to-Bank transfer from my American account to an account in The Netherlands... WHY???

I'm also wishing that tomorrow was not Saturday, because I'd be able to find answers to a lot of my questions sooner.

I like the fact that it's not super hot this summer, but thinking that it would be nice to have not super hot minus the rain.

I'm wanting to find an emotional balance (instead of being thrown to one side by the excitement of upcoming travels & adventures... then thrown to the other by the question of what to do and how to live my life in the ordinary today).

I'm also wanting to find fulfillment, contentment, peace and wisdom-- from having conversation with my Creator.

I'm also also wanting to be more sure of who I really am and what I really mean and what I really love and value.

I told myself that I'd go to bed by 10:00pm because I was feeling bad, then I began to feel better + started researching some information and then changed my bedtime to 12:00am... so I think I will head in that direction to show myself at least a bit of respect.

pictures

2009-08-12T18:04:00.009+04:00

Our 9 person outreach team in Khikhani

"Helping" the neighbors chop wood ("helping"... just long enough to take a photo. I don't seem to have good wood chopping skills...)

Kissing a baby turtle

Helping a grandma prepare wool for a blanket

This grandma is almost a century old

Milking a cow (but I really don't have good cow-milking skills)

Modern transportation

In Rene, at the local village church

In Gori at the kids camp, with my group of girls (that I led in Georgian)

BAAAACCCKKK!!!

2009-07-26T02:50:00.002+04:00

Hey you guys, I'm back to Tbilisi and to my lovely Macbook!! I can say for the first like 20 minutes of use, I felt so strange and my Macbook felt so foreign to me! I was amazed at the bright light and the way that the cursor would move when I touches the mouse pad. Seriously. It's been 9 weeks, a little more than 2 months.

This time has been crazy and incredibly good. We spent the first 6 weeks in a small Muslim village in Georgia. The next 2 weeks in an incredibly Protestantized village in Georgia, and then the last week in Gori working with a kids camp (I even led a group of girls completely in Georgian-- it was a pretty big miracle for me!).

Now I'm in Tbilisi, we will start our last week of DTS on Monday and then it's all over. Seriously. 6 months of my life finished in the wink of an eye. It's what it feels like now at least.

Right now I'm seriously exhausted. We came into town, got Vazi sort of set up for us again, then it was off to conflict resolution and heart-sharing for most of the night (so it is with most DTS's and specifically during debrief time)... and now I'm at home and really tired but trying to get caught up on things.

Some things I love about coming home: everything seems 864 times more beautiful, I feel like I have enough clothes and that they are cool, my toliet flushes and my shower operates without a bucket, relationships seem sweeter and it's exciting to function in a new level of Jenni (meaning, some things really changed in me).

Until next time.... I've got a lot of pictures but not a lot of time to go through them and sort them out... but I'll see what I can do.

Sending my love! It's good to be back.

Testing...

2009-06-14T18:17:00.001+04:00

It works?

for now....

2009-05-24T23:59:00.002+04:00

So, we're leaving for outreach tomorrow!

Please be praying for us! We'll be gone for about 2 1/2 months... and I probably won't be able to post on here during that time.

Thanks for reading and I'll be back soon enough. :-)

Our Outreach Team

processing my thoughts outloud

2009-05-21T21:19:00.005+04:00

It's so easy to start to talk about something, like in a song.

"Just like these chords
They have been played a million times or more
And so we live day after day
Rising at dawn
Falling at night
Always wanting more
That's how we live day after day.

But I'm feeling tired
With the mundane
I don't want to be
Floating around
Day after day
I want to live for something big
A worthy goal and prize
Even if it takes my life

......" And then, I have no idea what to say. I don't know how to resolve the previous "conflict" or question in lyrical form.

And the fact that I draw a blank in that part frightens me a little bit. It makes me aware of my disconnection from reality. Either that, or I'm just held captive to guilt and shame and can't see the truth that is shining over me.

Today was a bit rough for many reasons that don't really need to be listed-- but it all tempted me into self-pity and I agreed. It was so strange too. There I was, wallowing around a bit, feeling my way around, looking for some comfort. At first it worked a little. But then I realized that I was just more empty and increasingly upset and self-piteous. And I thought, "wow". It's kind of like looking through a garbage dump in the middle of summer for food that you could eat without dying or getting incredibly sick. Just not very good odds for success.

So, I'd like to get out of the garbage dump now. Lord, please --

everything is possible for those who believe

2009-05-17T14:46:00.004+04:00

We are leaving for outreach in a week and I'm thinking like, "This is impossible"...

One small Muslim village. Nine incredibly unique people. Six weeks.

But I believe that in Christ all those things that seem impossible, or that literally are in our physical world, are transformed to POSSIBLE.

So that's the promise I'm trying to feed off of now.

I've been listening to a lot of Bill Johnson's teachings, and it's really interesting. So much to take in and apply. And I'm excited about it. A little overwhelmed, but excited nonetheless.

The weather in Tbilisi has changed from Winter to HOT. And as much as I despise the death-like feeling of sitting in a crowded, stuffy marshutka on the sunny side with the plastic bags I'm holding sticking to my skin-- there's always the metro. Underground= cool (as in cold).

And a little side note to report my integration, or pursuit to become a pseudo-Georgian: I bought milk from the village lady and boiled it properly, then dispersed it into glass jars for later consumption. A small feat, but with outstanding rewards. Even Marina was surprised (she's usually the one who does it). :-)

time-management

2009-05-06T02:04:00.003+04:00

I'm such a ridiculous (and normal) person: these days I don't have a lot of time outside of DTS (Discipleship Training School... if you don't know what I'm talking about, look here) and I come home and spend FOUR HOURS on the computer. Of course I was doing various useful things. Watching Happy Slip videos, learning how to play "Unchained Melody" on the guitar for Tony & Lali's wedding, checking out the Facebook idol competitors and making top 5 lists on Facebook too, feeling guilty for wasting so much time on something that is so not satisfying in the end AND STILL continuing on... for example, like NOW.

4:25:30. I'm grateful for my little time counter thing in my Firefox browser. And at the same time a little put-off by it's truth.

Think of how many things I could have done in that time...
• Paint a picture
• Organize my external harddrive (that is computer related too... but is actually work needing to be done)
• Go to BED
• Read a book or two
• Sweep/Mop my bedroom and if feeling ambitious, entire apartment
• Plan some cool activity for our DTS students
• Take out my summer clothes and pack away my really wintery ones
• Put clothes in the washing machine
• Paint my nails
• Eat some matsoni
• Play panduri
• The list is probably endless....

Lord, please teach me time-management skills.

revelation and khinkali

2009-04-29T01:08:00.003+04:00

I'm very tired, it's much too late... but I've accomplished much! Newsletter written, emails replied. Very good.

These days I'm really seeing a part of my character that I hadn't seen for a while/thought had maybe gone-- just this intense insecurity and at the same time hunger to get affirmation from the people around me. These things produce horrible "fruit" and it's emotionally hard to work through this time. But I really believe I'm having the chance to see these things now so that I can WORK on them with God (in whatever form that takes, I have no clue as of yet). So, I'm glad to have another character-building opportunity, but I'm reminded that character-building is super painful and quite treacherous-- and totally worthwhile.

I made khinkali this weekend with my friend Diana's mom. It was fun.

Spring, I like you very much

2009-04-20T19:25:00.002+04:00

I spent the weekend in Lagodekhi, a village in the Kakheti region of Georgia, with one of our DTS students, Tamila. I had a GREAT time. It was so beautiful and green, there were tons of farm animals and I saw many new things! And it was just awesome. I've got a ton of pictures, but haven't had time to sort through them yet... but I will.

We're going into the 7th week of DTS, just 5 more to go until outreach-- crazy! But I think it really helps having lecture phase during this time, because now it's becoming more Springlike weather and the sun really helps to boost morale. Really. And I think it will be good to have outreach during summer too... less to pack, or at least smaller things to pack (instead of big winter boots and sweaters and jackets-- done that. And worse, winter clothes and spring clothes for Spring outreach...). So, I'm feeling good.

God is great, and that is an understatement. I'm continually amazed these days that He teaches us so much (when we are seeking Him for answers). I mean, He's God, why would He need or care to spend time teaching us Truth? But He does, and it blows my mind. And what blows my mind even more is that He actually likes us and sees that we're valuable and blesses us so much through the creation around us and by making us the people we are with such amazing gifts and talents and beauty. It's really incredible.

I've seen that it's been pretty popular in the "Christian world" to think that everything in this life is meaningless or not important, but I honestly am beginning to think that it's exactly that-- meaningful and important. There are so many beautiful things in this life, and I think that it's really a gift from God. And I'm really seeking to learn how to enjoy it and to pass some of that joy on to others!

food and music

2009-04-18T01:45:00.004+04:00

FOOD.

Yesterday I bought a "shaurma". It's like meat shaving (kind of like gyro meat) wrapped in lavash and it's generally quite tasty. Anyways, I bought this shaurma and as I was eating away joyfully, I discovered that one of the meat pieces was actually like animal skin with hair still on it. Take a moment to control your urges to vomit. Sooooo.... I can't believe I'm going to confess this-- I took that piece out and actually continued to eat a little more until I just couldn't stand it anymore, then I threw it on the ground for the stray dogs to eat. Seriously.

Also, I realized that when I'm not at DTS and when Marina is not cooking, I eat a lot of eggs. Probably because they are easy and quick and protein. But then I started to wonder if that's really healthy or not. Seriously though, they are like a staple food for me here. But, interestingly, I really quite despised scrambled eggs when I was in the States... and now I eat them quite frequently. I do eat them with mayonaise (it's a Georgian thing) and tkemali/ketchup... so it helps mask the egginess. This is so strange. I'm realizing that one of my staple foods is something that I actually don't even like that much on it's own. Weird. Maybe not so.

MUSIC.

Just some new-to-me music that I like so far. I haven't had a lot of time to listen to them intensely, but what I've been listening to-- I like.

Sandra McCraken- The Builder and The Architect
Brian and Jenn Johnson- We Believe
John Mark McMillan- The Medicine
Grace Williams- Fire Fall
Earth, Wind & Fire- Greatest Hits

protests - panduris - psalms

2009-04-12T12:09:00.003+04:00

It's a cold Easter morning here in Tbilisi. Well, actually it's only Easter morning if you have a Western mindset. Because actually in Georgia (and I think all of orthodox Eastern Europe) they celebrate Easter next weekend.

Nothing has really been happening with the protests-- they are still protesting, but it hasn't become violent or invaded all of Tbilisi. It's mostly centered downtown around the parliament building. But they have stated that they're going to start blocking main roads and such, I just haven't seen it/experienced it yet.

"...the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear Him, on those whose HOPE is in His unfailing love, to deliver them from death and keep them alive in famine. We wait in HOPE for the Lord; He is our help and our shield. In Him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in His holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even AS WE PUT OUR HOPE IN YOU." Psalm 33:18-22

"The LORD reigns forever; He has established His throne for judgement. He will judge the world in righteousness; He will govern the peoples with justice. The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. Those who know Your name will trust in You, FOR YOU, LORD, HAVE NEVER FORSAKEN THOSE WHO SEEK YOU." Psalm 9:7-10

Some good news, I will have my extended visa/"resident card" on Monday! It was a little hard to track it down at first, but thanks to Georgia's relationship-based culture and my super helpful landlady who works for the government-- I found the right office and made the next step in my application process, and will be able to pick it up on Monday. Phew... the only slightly less exciting news is that it's only for one year (I was thinking it could be for more because it's the second time I've applied)... but one year is better than none, especially when you're already "illegal" because the 3 month visa stamp in your passport has run out...

Also good news, I received MY panduri yesterday! It's handmade and beautiful. I will allow you to share in the beauty as soon as I have a chance to take some pictures. PLUS, I'm learning some more songs!

I love Georgia.

some hopefully accurate thoughts

2009-04-09T22:08:00.007+04:00

What to say, what to say?

There are protests happening in Georgia now, against the president. People say he's to blame for the war and they want him to resign. All that I am able to see is what the media portrays-- but still I find in my heart that I have like compassion, or something, for Saakashvili and his family. He's like one normal man leading a whole (not entirely stable) nation-- that once was for him, and now is against him. I can totally picture that he's laying awake in bed thinking how he got into this situation, rifling through all the feelings (and hatred stirred up by these feelings) of rejection, wishing that he could be just a normal person living happily and anonymously with his family.

We are so hard on our leaders-- whether it's the president, or our boss, or our pastor... We all think that we know better, that we can do better. We blame them for anything that goes wrong. We expect perfection. But we forget that these leaders are people just like us. Are we perfect? No. Do we make mistakes? Yes (if we're humble enough to admit it). I can totally say that I am experiencing a sort of "karma" effect in this area. I can be critical of the leaders in my life too, in the past more so then now... but still it comes out every so often. But now that I am a leader, I feel the other side of it. What it feels like when people are critical of you or disrespectful, etc. And it is so not easy.

I know that I would not feel capable to be the president of any country, no matter how small or large or developed or unstable. And I feel like it would really help us to put ourselves in their situation (not just the glory of it--"oh, I'm the PRESIDENT!!!" , but the real situation--"I'm responsible for a nation of 4.5 million+ people...").

I know that with the situation in Georgia, many people are upset about the lack of work and the displacement of refugees and such. But seriously, the economy now is better than it's ever been--more stable and growing. People are upset that things are so expensive... but things are more expensive all over the world. It's how it's supposed to work. At the same time I really hear the cry of the people living in poverty and I'm by no means saying that they don't have a difficult time-- but I feel like people are only seeing the bad while ignoring the good, and that they are not patient enough to wait for "fruit" to be produced...

But I want to bless the Georgian government, even the opposition parties and their leaders, the poor and the rich, the displaced and the homeless... and say that we are all people with God-given hearts and we stand on the same level before Him. And I pray that our Father God, would bless those who live righteously before Him (with pure hearts and clean hands). And that the work of their hands and the words from their mouths be blessed and prosperous! To bring glory to His name.

I really love Georgia-- not just the actual physical land, but the culture and the vibrancy of the people-- and I will stand here with "her" as long as I am allowed! (which hopefully will be long-- but I still haven't received my resident card yet + my 3 month visa is already finished + with all this political unrest, I have no idea if I the system for giving visas will be working normally...! )

So, Georgia-- I love you and am with you. And leaders (including ones I know personally and people like Saakashvili)-- I respect your position and I understand that it's not easy. And God, please shine Your light in the dark places and champion the righteous.

this is a good post

2009-04-06T22:51:00.013+04:00

Oh my goodness! I feel like I just don't have enough time for all the things that I need to do... even shower and sleep! I know that in general I have pretty laid-back work, but I'm feeling a little stressed right now.

This last week I wasn't in lectures for the last 3 days. Partly because they were in another place quite a ways away + I had already been in that teaching (although it would not have hurt me to hear it again.. it was about working with traumatized children)... but also because I was trying to figure out my visa stuff (it's still not ready, not sure what's happening.. ) and I was sick too (am still...)... so maybe I feel stressed now because I got used to not being in lectures and such....

But anyways, good news... Spring is coming!!!

And also, this weekend I began learning how to play the panduri, it's a Georgian instrument! Check out the video to see!

And I like it SO much! It's been my dream to learn, and now it's beginning to be fulfilled!

Also today we (Dennis, Diana, me and our teacher for the week) went to this super small village, Khikhani. There are somewhere around 150-300 people. Generally Muslim population. They've been moved there by the Georgian government from the Adjara region (which is way on the other side of Georgia). In this village there's not much to do and it's out in the middle of nowhere. Anyways, the reason we were there is because one of the girls that we met on our outreach in Khulo (when I was a DTS student forever ago) moved there like 2 months ago. Diana ran into this girl at the Vagzal/Bazaar (which is a huge place and not so easy to run into people) and hadn't seen her since we were on outreach there... and we just thought it was very coincidental... so we were checking it all out as a potential location for this school's outreach.

Diana and I with Darina (on my right in black shirt) and her family.

Anyways, we still don't know for sure what will happen... but we are praying and seeking.

Our students are lovely (as usual). I've been tired + feeling a lack of inspiration and energy-- but am realizing that God has all the inspiration and energy I need... but I need to seek after Him. So, I'm beginning to learn more what that means. And at the same time am learning what it means to trust His love and acceptance when I'm doing nothing (especially nothing "spiritual"). And that love and acceptance causes me to want to be more pleasing to Him. It's an interesting and beautiful thing, eh.

On our way to visit Anna's (in black coat on left) church.

Singing in Anna's church.

learning

2009-04-02T12:18:00.004+04:00

So, we are in the middle of the 4th week of DTS. It's going really fast, actually. And the newness has kind of worn off and I find myself getting caught up in the "work" instead of putting my heart into it and focusing on Jesus.

For example, last night we were supposed to have a special worship evening. So I was trying to plan, trying to think of a good creative idea, was having a bit of hard time thinking of something that I thought was cool enough. Then I talked to Korinne on the phone to get some more ideas, and she said something like, 'just remember we want to do something to get them to focus on the amazing things God is doing and has done and to be grateful to Him for that...' and I can honestly say, that I had forgotten that purpose in my planning. Like, of course it was in the back of my mind, but I was more concerned about the night and how it looked and went, then about encouraging them to praise God for what He is doing...

Just a small confession. But after that realization, the evening went pretty well. We had some time to reflect on how our lives have changed for the better and on the blessings that we've seen, and we were able to share together and praise God for those things. And also confess before God the areas where we have been ungrateful. Then we had some song-singing time and it was great too, we really had fun. So, I'm grateful for that.

But I'm constantly seeing how I totally cannot be a leader without the wisdom and love and everything that flows out of relationship with God. And I'm really seeing the power of the words, "Lord, I can't do this without You... please, YOU be the leader." And I'm seeing that just work without the Spirit of God involved produces mediocre things. And I want more than mediocre.

And I'm continuing to learn.

baaaaaaaaad attitude

2009-03-30T22:29:00.005+04:00

I had such a struggle with a bad attitude today. I don't really know why, I just woke up feeling irritated and battled with it all day. Maybe I'm getting tired, maybe I'm starting to worry too much about the future (after DTS-- what to do, where to go (want to take another training school), where to put my things when/if I go, where will Marina and her kids be, how to do this and that...) and we're still like 4 months away from even the end of DTS and the beginning of those things.

But I did make it through the day.

And I'm hoping for a better (attitude) day tomorrow.

"Give me understanding, and I will keep Your law and obey it with all my heart. Direct me in the path of Your commands, for there I find my delight. Turn my heart toward Your statutes and not toward selfish gain. Turn my eyes away from worthless things; preserve my life according to Your word." Psalm 119: 34-37

" 'Teacher [Jesus], which is the greatest commandment in the Law?' Jesus replied: ' Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. (Deuteronomy 6:5) This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself. (Leviticus 19:18) All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments." Matthew 22:36-40

Jenni's Journeys #9

2009-03-28T22:53:00.005+04:00

feeling good.

2009-03-22T19:53:00.003+04:00

I had an incredibly productive day, and I'm so thankful!

I started feeling a little sick yesterday, but already had plans to go some places and do some things. And I actually was supposed to go somewhere today-- but I called and canceled and decided that I'd stay home all day to really try to rest my mind and body and immune system. And even though I still had a to-do list, I feel quite rested and accomplished.

This is a general idea of what my to-do list was and morphed into throughout the day:

• Sleep in (check)
• Eat something tasty (check)
• Sweep the mile-high piles of dust bunnies off of the floor (check)
• Do a bit of laundry (check)
• Make and eat some pancakes from scratch (check)
• Call Korinne and talk for a ridiculously long period of time (check)
• Write an update for the amazing people that care about you (check)
• Pluck my eyebrows and clip my fingernails (check)
• Perform a miniature facial on yourself (check)
• Read and intake some Truth (check)
• Prepare worship for tomorrow morning at DTS (to do...)
• Prepare a creative teaching explaining why YWAM is all for relationships (to do...)
• Make something cute and creative to encourage the DTS students (to do...)
• Go to bed by 10:30 (something I hope for...)

So, I'm feeling good.

Tomorrow will be the start of the 3rd week of DTS. Seriously, the 3rd week?! But things are going really great. Like I said in my update (that I completed today):

It’s funny (and completely normal at the same time) how I signed up to be DTS staff… but in a way I feel like I’m a DTS student again, for the 3rd time. How does that work? I’m not complaining though… I’m actually really glad to have this continued opportunity and setting through which I can learn more about what it means to follow Jesus-- on the insides of me and also flowing out of my actions and physical being. It’s really something beautiful and painful, and both explainable and inexpressible...I really can see how God is guiding our students--like a Shepherd guiding His sheep with His heart full of sincere love. And I can testify that God really is speaking to us and showing us His active presence and Truth. It’s incredibly exciting and humbling. 

ephrata

2009-03-19T22:00:00.003+04:00

If you are bored enough to watch this, it's a video of walking all the way through my hometown (Ephrata)... from one end to the other and back again. :-)

free day

2009-03-14T23:59:00.000+04:00

I bought a khachapuri this afternoon and it had a big long hair in it. So I took it back to the place and the gave me a new one (which actually surprised me). But it was grroooooossss-- the fact that there was a hair in the first khachapuri, not the new second hair free khachapuri.

Today was my day off. Typically when I picture a day off I think of: sleeping in until 12 or later, maybe spending some time creating something--like painting or making cards or something, also walking outside in the sunny weather, and maybe even cleaning my room. And those were things I was actually looking forward to. But then yesterday I found out that one of the ladies from the street kid center I'm working with, had planned a special program for the kids at her church and they wanted to know if I could come and help. At first I really didn't want to... but I chose to go anyways.

When I walked out of the metro, I was like bombarded by these kids yelling my name, hugging and kissing me, asking where I've been (because I haven't been to the center now for like 2 weeks). That in itself was sweet and rewarding. Then seeing them enjoy their time at the program. And also, I brought one of the DTS students, Tamila, with me-- and she really liked it. AND I was able to set up outreach for our DTS for this next week (working with some refugee kids)... there was a lady there who is doing that now. SO, in the end, I'm really glad that I chose to go!

first week-- check.

2009-03-14T00:56:00.005+04:00

I made it through the first week of DTS. In many ways it was really difficult, but I can say that it was actually quite an amazing week. I'm really seeing how God is protecting and blessing our students. And He's really teaching me a lot too, just about my character, how to be in a leadership position, how to choose humility instead of pride and really a lot of other things. Of course I'm completely exhausted, but I feel really rewarded.

Some of the DTS peoples

We're STILL waiting to hear from the students who applied from South Korea... they had trouble with their plane tickets, and said that they'd be getting here by Wednesday-- but they haven't showed up and we haven't heard from them. So they have until Sunday to get here... after that there won't be enough of lecture phase left for them to get credit for the school. So it's kind of a bit strange not knowing about that situation. Like, we're still planning and preparing things with the expectation that they will be here. But really I have no idea what's happening with them. So we will see.

I can't really find anything else to say (because my brain and body are tiiiiiirreeeed) but I felt strange just abruptly ending with that last paragraph. Okay, good night.

explosion

2009-03-07T15:12:00.000+04:00

Tomorrow, my life will explode into an array of joyous events and activities.

In other words, DTS will start.

I'm excited.

music

2009-03-04T21:15:00.002+04:00

I remember reading on the news the other day, about a study some people were doing on the way music affects behavior. They stated that kids who listened to music that freely talked about certain activities, more frequently participated in those activities in their actual lives (I won't get specific here). And then some other people came along and said that it was too simplistic (or some word like that) to draw a connection between music and behavior.

And I'm thinking like, HELLO... it totally influences.

Music moves people-- that's why they applaud loudly after a band performs an awesome song. That's why they cry when they hear certain lyrics sung to certain melodies. That's why they drive more aggressively/faster when they're listening to an upbeat intense song.

I see it in my own life too. The music I listen to totally affects me and my mood and my thoughts.

I just think it's ridiculous that people would want to deny that fact.

my grammatically painful story of my visa adventure with Maia

2009-03-02T17:32:00.006+04:00

I was so wrong when I had the thought that applying for my visa/resident card thing would be easy. I must have forgotten that I'm applying for one in Georgia.

(Georgia, I still love you in spite of your sometimes deterring and problematic quirks.)

By the way, this story might be painful to read for the grammatically proficient.

I gathered all my papers and headed downtown to meet Maia, who would be helping me with translation and such. Our first stop was to find a good translation/notary place to translate and notarize my passport. Dropped off the papers. Next, visa pictures. Done fast, and pretty good (is it even possible to take a photogenic passport/visa photo?). We then headed to a leisurely stop at a coffee shop while my passport was being translated. Drank some tea and ate some sandwiches. Then off to pick up the passport translation which was done very well. Good. Next off to the ministry of justice to begin the application process. We walk into the building and notice that there aren't many people there... we think: 'Good for us! This will be done quickly!' We get up to the man sitting behind the desk and are informed that the visa/passport part of the ministry of justice has been moved to another (distant) location.

Problem 1.

This was not, however, insurmountable. We stop off at McDonald's for a bathroom break (clean bathrooms all over the world). Then we run into some of the street kids that I work with, and talk with them for a little bit. They buy us flowers for Mother's day (it's tomorrow) and give us many kisses. Then we hop on the metro to get to our next location.

After quite some walking, we find the new location of the passport/visa part of the ministry of justice. It also happens to be the place where refugees and others are registering. So there are like 10 times as many people. But we find our line and begin to wait. Take note, lines in Georgia do not resemble actual lines by any means. This requires vigilance, always being ready to inform newcomers who the last person in "line" is.. otherwise you will get cut in front of again and again. We get up to the desk and begin to explain our goal (apply for a longer visa) and ask how we can do this. After quite some discussion, (she wanted to send us to yet another location, but I pretty much refused... and it turns out that she was the one who could help us, but I think she wanted to send work somewhere else if she could... which is understandable because there were really a lot of people), we are sent to pay a fee for the visa at a local bank (180 lari). We go to the bank, wait in line, pay the fee, return to the new ministry of justice and see that the line has increased significantly, but take our position at the end. We wait for a while, and then are noticed by the lady who had been helping us--she calls us over. She shows me the letter I have stating that I'm working with Axalgazrdoba Miznit (Youth With a Mission) and shows me a few things that need to be changed... even though this is the same letter that I used and that worked for my last long term visa...

Problem 2.

I live quite far away, so we jump into a taxi and head to my house to type in the corrections and print out a new letter. We then jump into another taxi and head to my directors house so that he can sign it and stamp it with our official organization stamp. Then I hop back into that same taxi (he waited with Maia in the car) and head back to the new location of the visa/passport part of the ministry of justice and see that the line has stayed just as large as before. But we take our place at the end again.

By this time I was quite exhausted, Maia was feeling carsick from all these quick taxi rides and the ministry was supposed to close in like an hour and a half.... so I was SO hoping that things would work out okay.

After some time, I make it to the front of the "line" and proudly display my new, corrected letter. The lady reads it and then looks at me with a significant amount of pity in her eyes, and shows me that there is still a mistake... it was not clearly explained how to change this mistake, so Maia begins to defend her translation and I begin to beg her to take it in spite of the small error (and it was SUCH a small error, quite irrelevant to my visa application). The lady, filled with mercy, called one of her coworkers and checked to see if it would make a big problem for me if I turned in that document as is. They said that it would be fine and I was so ecstatically relieved.

Almost problem 3.

Then she continues with application process and begins to input my information into the computer. She asks me what my position is in the organization and I say that I'm just a staff person. But she can't understand exactly what that means. She asks if I'm a manager or assistant, and I say no, I'm just a staff worker. She still is puzzled as to what to write in that blank, and so the 10 people waiting in "line" behind me begin to all chime in (it's the Georgian way of resolving conflicts) and she eventually decides to leave it blank. Then she begins to upload my visa picture into the computer, and we discover that the guy at the picture place didn't put the cropped version on the disc... so I beg her to please please just crop it on her computer. She again mercifully does.

Almost problems 4 and 5.

And about 6 hours after beginning our journey, and after asking the kind lady that helped me again and again if all things would be approved, I hold in my hand the confirmation paper that my application was received.

(this is where I breath a sigh of relief).

So, hopefully by April 1st I will have my resident visa. I have no idea how long it will be for-- 1 year or 5 years. And she said that if there are any problems, she will call me-- but let's hope that doesn't happen.

And, this was my day!

naaaaaame droppppping

2009-03-01T21:02:00.011+04:00

Hey! I had a pretty good weekend. Went to Gardabani for the children's program, ended up staying the night at my friend Diana's house. Went and saw my friend Tarana's new baby (in Gardabani). Then came back to Tbilisi really early this morning and went to church with some other friends, Dan and Alla. That was pretty exciting, because I pretty much understood what the pastor was teaching.. not all words, but the main idea... and it was in Russian! (which I have not actually studied, just picked up from hearing it so much)... so that was pretty cooooool.

Tomorrow I'm going with Maia to turn in my application and do all the necessary stuff to get my one year (or hopefully two years this time) visa. Then off to visit Tia because it's her 7th birthday tomorrow!

Wow, I'm doing a lot of name dropping in this post. Too bad most of you don't know who these people are, because if you did I'm certain the name dropping really would be worthwhile and effective. :-)

I saw some of my street kids today in the metro (they're begging in the metro sometimes too). I saw how people were like so afraid to be close to them... and I thought it was so strange, because I really don't have any of those feelings at all. And it's so interesting to see how people look at me when I'm talking to them or kiss them (the typical Georgian greeting)... I hope it's some sort of "testimony" to both the kids and the people watching.

So, in honor of my lovely street sweethearts, here are some fo-toes.

Visiting their house (it's actually not a paradox that the street kids have "homes"... they rent small rooms/houses (not very nice, but liveable at least)... they are actually together with their families, many of the kids are related too... but they live this lifestyle of begging on the streets... it's very complicated and I'm only beginning to understand a little bit of it.)

This is the traditional way that they carry their babies (sometimes they have their little sister or brother with them, or some other relative).

Aren't they like incredibly adorable?? Larissa on the left, Esmira on the right.

We had one day where we gave out Operation Christmas Child gifts, and the parents came too! It was SOOO exciting to begin to build relationship with them! If we want the kids' lives to change, the parents have to change first. And up until now, we hadn't really met any of them... so this was a very cool day!

Aslan with his gift.

that would be E-Freight-ah,emphasis on the E

2009-02-27T22:37:00.005+04:00

One: I am incredibly incredibly incredibly grateful for my Dad. He helps me with so many things while I'm over here. For example, doing my taxes. It's like taking away millions of degrees of stress for me that he does that. And he's just a great guy in general, really humble and I'm pretty sure he can fix anything (and that's a comforting thought).

Two: I'm also incredibly incredibly incredibly grateful for my Mom. I really feel free to be open and honest with her, and I'm so glad for that. And she cooks really good food. Also, she's funny and fashionable (seriously, when I'm home I "steal" things from her closet).

Three: I'm strangely longing to be in my hometown (Ephrata). Like, SO bad. Not forever, just for a visit. I realized that I didn't really know a lot about it, so I researched some. The population is less than 7,000... the total area is about 10 square miles... it was founded by some horse rancher man and it was named supposedly by a railroad worker who derived the name from the Biblical description of an orchard in the middle of a desert... also, during the settling times (like in the way olden days), it was not looked at as good settling territory because it's a semi-arid desert (this is all according to my friend, Wikipedia). All of these things fill my heart with such like .... almost pride in the fact that I came from this place. I cannot tell you how strange that is. In high school, my biggest desire was to live anywhere but Ephrata. But I guess things change after time.

Anyways, my dear Ephrata (and all of your inhabitants)-- I love you. :-)

And I really wish that I could eat some of my Mom's food right now...

t- t- tagged

2009-02-24T22:14:00.005+04:00

At first I thought this would be appropriate as a good 200th post (I'm not sure why or how, but I feel like 200 posts is some kind of milestone in blog-life). But then I decided it would be better as a 201st post. Rachael, "tagged" me. Or in other non-blogging terms, has forced me against my will to complete this survey and post it on my blog. All love and good humor to you, Rachael. :-)

And, I guess it's supposed to be in celebration/honor of the new year... but hey, it's only February... right?

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?
Go to Armenia, eat cow head dolma, take Georgian dance lessons

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I gave up on the whole new year's resolution thing back in high school sometime. I did (back then) make ones like, "lose 5 pounds"... but then I realized that I never even really made a way to reach my goal, and that the goals weren't my goals anyways... they were totally influenced by the people and popular media around me. So, I quit.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Umm, I'm sure many but since I'm already 2 months into the "new year", I'm having trouble discerning this year's births and last year's births... so I'll just stick with the answer-- yes.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Well, actually many people died... but I can't say any that were very very close to me.

5. What countries did you visit?
Georgia (the country), Armenia, Ukraine, USA

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
A stronger dependence on my relationship with God to even live life in general

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
August 8th, it was the day I found out that there was a war in Georgia (and I was there at the time).

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Staying alive?

9. What was your biggest failure?
Selfishness. Pride. Jealousy.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Yes, I had like a million and a half sinus infections.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My Georgian resident card (it's like a one year visa) and my plane tickets to Ukraine and "America".

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
God

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Man

14. Where did most of your money go?
To many different things. But I did begin to rent my very own apartment for the first time in August.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
All the ways that God provided for mine and other's many needs... just being totally amazed and convinced of God's activity.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
Your Love is Strong - Jon Foreman

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Definitely happier-- letting go and being freed from many character flaws and wrong ways of thinking! And more clearly seeing the hope that is in the future and the joy that is in today!
b) thinner or fatter? Umm.. I think thinner.
c) richer or poorer? Actually, richer.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Forgiving. Loving. Giving. Trusting. Believing. Seeing each moment as valuable and taking opportunities/risks more. Felt free to be free.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Being insecure and leech-like.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
With my FAMILY in "America"!!!

21. Did you fall in love in 2008?
In many ways and forms.

22. What was your favorite TV program?
House. I wish that I could watch it here!

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
I do my best not to let things grow into hate in my heart. But I can't really think of anyone that I'd be tempted to very seriously hate.

24. What was the best book you read?
I read through the Chronicles of Narnia (all of them) for the first time. It was very close to being a spiritual journey for me and my imagination was totally overjoyed (I seem to spend so much time now reading "teaching" or "informative" books... but it was so nice to read a fairytale... a very well written one!)

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Jon Foreman and Lori Chaffer, hands down.

26. What did you want and get?
A new mobile phone

27. What did you want and not get?
A husband

28. What was your favorite film of this year?
Honestly, the only movies that really come to my mind are I Am Legend and Transformers. But I can't say either of those are films and I can't say either of them are my "favorites". But I really can't think of what else I saw that was like really monumental.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 22 and I was in a village (Gonio) that's like right on the Black Sea in Georgia. We were having our last weeks of DTS outreach. My friends made a party for me and cooked a lot of tasty food. The lady who owned the house we were staying at, did my hair and put makeup on me. And later at night we walked downtown in Batumi and went on the ferris wheel. It was a pretty great birthday.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I cannot say. It was satisfying because I made it through and came out a little more wise.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Umm... "try to be as Georgian as possible".

32. What kept you sane?
People and I'm sure God (even if it I wasn't always going to Him and asking Him to help keep me sane, I'm sure He did many things to ensure that... I know that sounds crazy, but I believe it.).

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
...none?

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
Umm, I'm not sure. There are too many spheres of political issues (different countries and such) that I am non-actively involved in... and also, my political views are not all that informed. But I guess you could say that I didn't really like that Russians and Georgians were shooting and bombing each other.

35. Who did you miss?
Well, being in Georgia, I missed a lot of people in "America".

36. Who was the best new person you met?
There were many "best" new people.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
God is bigger than religion.
People are people (and that's incredibly beautiful).
Let little things go and freedom will be found.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
"...so why do I worry, why do I freak out, God knows what I need..."
Jon Foreman- Your Love is Strong

two-two-200

2009-02-24T22:13:00.002+04:00

Well, this is my 200th post. Ta-da!

i am a so-so-solar panel

2009-02-23T13:20:00.005+04:00

Sometimes I feel like a solar panel. If there is a lot of sunlight, I feel energized and excited about life. If there is a lack of sunshine, I feel quite less excited and energized. I observed this in my character this morning.

Also, right now I'm incredibly sick, along with I think half of the world's population (" _____ is sick/dying/ill beyond description" seems to be a common status update on Facebook these days). I'm trying to stay in bed as much as I can today. It's funny how hard it is... I'm like always feeling like I need to do this, or use my free day in a different way. But when I have like a full work day, I'm so eager to not work and stay in bed. Yesterday I was going to try to stay in bed too, but it definitely didn't happen. I had a great day though [recorded new song, went to church, made biscuits and gravy with my friend Amanda and then watched Pride & Prejudice (the new version)]-- but I think it definitely increased my sickness-ness.

I used to watch The Magic School Bus when I was a kiddo, and I even had some of the books... and I remember one episode, where it was talking about how sickness works. And if I remember right, the stuff that runs out of your nose is like dead white blood cells. Again, I am totally willing to be corrected here. But if that is true, then there is some serious carnage happening inside of my face today.

NEW SONG

2009-02-22T13:13:00.003+04:00

Wrote a new song last night, recorded it today. To listen, you can go HERE to my myspace page, it will be the first song that plays.

Here are the lyrics:

I can't say I own you
And I don't claim to control you
Yet you are mine

I can't say I know you
But I can say I know you
At the very same time

And I'm different than I was
But you're still the same
I'll be different than I am
But you'll remain

Chorus:
You are, I am
Once divided, now together
Divinity and man
You are the truth I seek
You are the one who sets me free
Once divided, now together
You and me

I can't say I've touched you
But I can say I've felt you
Through loving hands

I can say you love me
And I can say I love you
But it's more than that

You're bigger than you were
Or maybe I was blind
But now you're opening up my eyes
You're opening up my eyes

re-re-responsibility

2009-02-19T21:17:00.005+04:00

I have a new title fettish.

We're in the last planning stages for DTS. Actually they feel like the first planning stages, but literally they are the last (we got started a little late on things this year...)! But things are coming along. A month ago we didn't have any students, now we have at least 4 maybe 7. So that's definitely a good change. And our staff has increased from 6 to 9. So things are going quite well actually.

(DTS, by the way is short for Discipleship Training School. It's a program in the organization I work with... if you have no idea what I'm talking about and/or want to get more information, click HERE... no, just kidding. Click here.)

So, today we kind of divided up the responsibilities that running a DTS entails. I've got mine: worship and outreach preparation (and scheduling our weekly outreach locations). I think the worship one is understandable, and the outreach preparation is just getting the students ready to serve in different settings (working with street kids, preparing like testimonies/preachings, and also to kind of prep them for the big outreach at the end of lecture phase).

Anyways, I'm like totally excited about the possibilities of great things that could happen in both of these things I'm responsible for. But I also feel totally like really unable. I realize that I have this problem: I love to have ideas and think of new things, but I struggle so much to bring them into being/action. I think it's partly due to being easily distracted (it can be hard for me to work on one thing for a long time if I'm not entirely sure what I'm doing) and also partly due to laziness (maybe I see that it will take a lot to do what I want, and so I just kind of am lazy and... don't do it).

But none of that is too big or horrible for God to overcome in my character.
And I believe it to be true that God's strength is made perfect in our weakness... and it's my hope that this situation can be a living example of that!

For shizzle.

r-r-random

2009-02-18T09:25:00.004+04:00

I got my hair cut quite short the other day-- I like it. But it donned on me this morning as I was looking in the mirror, that it quite resembles some stylish British boy band hair cut. But I like that it's short. I feel freeeeeeee.

I have a cold and my nose is super plugged (though on the pathway to betterness). I'm tempted to be irritated. But I make a comparison-- LAST WINTER: 5 months of misery with sinus infections and zillions of medicines. THIS WINTER: Glorious health sprinkled with the occasional nose issue here and there. And I deny the temptation to be annoyed, try to get some sleep and go on with my life with joy and thankfulness.

Lastly, somehow my neighbors upstairs have morphed from normal, quiet people into annoying cyborgs with insanely loud voices & TVs & friends who do things like drag furniture back and forth in the same spot directly above my head in the middle of the night. I'm trying to be patient. But thankfully, I have these in-canal ear plugs that are amazing in the fact that they can produce the illusion of solitude and peace when there is, in fact, none. It's helpful. :-)

village

2009-02-16T11:58:00.009+04:00

This weekend I went with my friend Diana to visit her grandpa in his village. Here are some photos.

now now

2009-02-09T21:22:00.002+04:00

I feel like my life is flashing before my eyes. This is said not out of a depressed state. But a reflective one. I was looking at some pictures from my trip to Armenia like almost a year ago, and I feel like it was a million years ago. Actually I feel even a little bit like it didn't even happen. But I know it did. And then I realize that I'm here now. In the situation I'm in. In the place I'm in. And just all of that together produces this feeling that my life is flashing before my eyes.

Which is interesting. Recently God really revealed to me (through reading the Bible and reflecting on my "heart" (like what I think about things, how I'm interpreting situations, responding, etc.) and recent experiences) that I spend way too much time in the "future"--my idea of what the future could end up being like. I have a huge imagination, and so it's very easy for me to intake all of the things that happen around me and output (in my mind) all the possible results of those things. This could otherwise be called as "daydreaming", but I feel like it's more complicated than that.

Anyways, my point is, I've been wasting time and missing so many things by setting my hope and focusing too much of my time and energy into my totally ridiculous idea of what I think could happen. Just even writing that makes me feel more ridiculous.

So now I'm really praying, and really trying to take action to live in the present time. To take in the beautiful (maybe not so beautiful either) things that happen around me-- in short, to use my time well and full, and to not miss things. I want to become more of an observer and an appreciater and a live-life-to-the-fullest-er... which means so much more than what the words appear to say.

Just a little bit of what I'm learning.

ba-ba-batumi

2009-01-20T18:22:00.001+04:00

So, I've been in Batumi now for a week, and will be staying until Friday.

We've been doing a lot of different things: visiting university students, playing with kids at the Salvation Army here, visiting with different pastors, we held a conference teaching about missions (what it is and what it's for)... it's been a really great time.

I've had some revelations during this past week.

For one, I realized that I'm not as good of leader as I thought that I was (that was a humbling realization). Just, I still don't quite have this group mentality, thinking about other people and thinking how I can involve them. I want to change this. Or rather, let God change it in me--but work towards it too.

Also, I realized that I'm so eager to serve new people. I can be super helpful in new situations and everything-- but just in my "normal" life, I'm actually quite lazy. And I want this to change to. I sometimes feel like I'm like 2 people, but I want to feel like one whole person all the time, not changing.

Lots of things to think about.

Also, I think that this week was the first time that I ever said to God that if He would have me remain single for the rest of my life, I'd do it for Him. (of course I still want to be married, but before I was 100% opposed to the idea of being single forever...and now I'm just really trying to trust that God knows what is best and I want to do what He asks of me, even if it's something that I'd rather not do. If He asks me, I want to do it).

Lots of things to learn and APPLY in my life. I'm hoping for good changes. Lord, please.

I have a lot of pictures from my time here, but am currently in an internet cafe and not able to upload, so I'll do that when I get home.

Sending my love.

back

2009-01-08T17:07:00.000+04:00

Hey you guys!

I'm back in Georgia now. Things were great traveling. I had like no problems at all, which was awesome! And I'm really glad to be back!

sweetness

2009-01-04T22:32:00.000+04:00

My blog posts come like the waves of an ocean.

That was the first thing to come to my mind when I started to post just now.

Well, I'm down to 2 days until I return to Georgia! I'm getting excited (in the midst of the heart-hurtingness). Tonight I had a "Georgia" party with my friends who went on that first trip to Georgia with me and with some that went on the second trip, and their families. It was small and intimate, but being with those people just really reminds me of the miracles God has performed in my life to bring me where I am now. The things He overcame in me and helped me overcome. Being with them reminds me of that first-love feeling I had when I went to Georgia for the first time. I loved the little shops on the sidewalks. I loved (well, it was a love-hate relationship) the bumpy roads and the crazy driving. I loved the people and the hospitality. I loved the culture and the age and depth of tradition. I was totally love-struck. And it feels really good to remember all that.

To remember my little room that I shared with Hannah in a house full of Georgian women. Where I took my first "shower" without a bathtub or a shower, and where we flushed the toliet with a bucket of water. Where they cooked over a burner that was attached to the top of a small propane bottle. Where I used to sit and sing songs and try to learn Georgian and communicate with Bela and her sisters.

It was such a sweet time. I feel that I was so small and totally oblivious to many things. But it was so sweet.

I will never be a light unless I turn myself to You...

2008-12-29T22:26:00.000+04:00

My heart HUUUUUURRRTS.

It's just hard saying goodbye for extended periods of time. My question now is, "why can't it get easier?"

I'm not leaving the U.S. yet, but I am moving on from my parents and hometown. And it's not even over there. I'll be in Everett for another week, and have to say goodbye to all those people too. It's so emotionally not easy doing this.

Lord, I need your help. A lot of it. I need reassurance that what I'm doing is valuable and worthwhile, and that there is something greater than the difficulty and pain.

Sometimes I wish I could go spend a weekend in like, Narnia or something. Just take a break from life, not indefinitely... just temporarily. Be totally free from everything (emotions/physical burdens, hindrances, weaknesses, pain).

But I understand that I can't, so I'll do my best to be here NOW. And be grateful for what's around me instead of focusing on the pain and the difficulty. That's what I'll do.

So, in line with gratefulness:

I had a great time in the States. Seeing people. Spending time with my parents. Having fun. Eating amazing food. Continuing to learn some incredibly valuable lessons about God's character and life. I feel like I've been refreshed and have a new energy to do what I was doing before, but with more of me. I love my life. I love what I do. I love the people in my life (regardless of the frequency of our meetings). I love who God made me to be. I love who God is (even though I don't even have a glimpse of the complete image of Him and His character). I discovered some sweet new music. I re-increased my English vocabulary (even though that will be most definitely temporary). I was totally encouraged by peoples' interest and care in my happenings and by their prayers and seeking-God on my behalf.

And I believe good things will continue to happen, even tomorrow. Even in a week. Even in a month. And God will give me strength in spite of pain and difficulty.

Father God, thank you.

something to say

2008-12-28T08:22:00.006+04:00

I learned how to crochet hats and washcloths.

I'm pretty excited about that.

<-- I made this hat.

And I discovered that I can knit pretty fast (for me) too.

But all this knitting and crocheting is giving me a twitch in my right shoulder muscle. Hmmph.

I hung out with my Dad today watching and NCIS, or NSIC... whatever it is... marathon.

I also went into the Geesey guitar place and asked the owner to play like all of the interesting instruments he had in there. And he actually could for the most part. I was pretty impressed.

Also, when I came in he was like, "how can I help you?" and I said, "you can give me a free guitar..!" He laughed. Little did he know I was making a serious request. :-)

I'm gaining weight too. Hmmph.

take me

2008-12-25T19:33:00.001+04:00

I'm feeling contemplative.

Take my life and let it be
Consecrated, Lord, to Thee
Take my hands and let them move
At the impulse of Thy love

Take my feet and let them be
Swift and beautiful for Thee
Take my voice and let me sing
Always, only for my King

Take my lips and let them be
Filled with messages from Thee
Take my silver and my gold
Not a mite would I withhold

Take my moments and my days
Let them flow in endless praise
Take my intellect and use
Every power as Thou shalt choose

Take my will and make it Thine
It shall be no longer mine
Take my heart, it is Thine own
It shall be Thy royal throne

Take my Love, my Lord I pour
At the feet of it's treasure store
Take myself and I will be
Ever, only, all for Thee

You know, it's such a strange thing to think of asking God to take all of these things: my life, my hands, my feet, my voice, my lips, my silver & my gold, my moments & my days, my intellect, my will, my heart, my love and myself. It's so bitter in a sense, beyond words--at least in this situation. Because it would take me a very long time to catch you all up on what is happening on the inside of me relating to each and everyone of these aforementioned nouns.

But at the same time, I feel this really sweet comfort even at the thought of asking Him to take all of this. Really warm. And I (at this moment) really want to surrender this all to the One who gave us all these things in the first place.

And I believe.

Frances R. Havergal
This lady wrote this poem/hymn, and here's a little information about her life. It's a kind of long, but definitely interesting.

Christmas Eve

2008-12-24T17:41:00.001+04:00

My brother is going to propose to his girlfriend tonight at church.

There is a lot of snow.

I knit a scarf really fast yesterday night + like 20 minutes this morning.

Tonight for dinner I made dolma from grape leaves (meat wrapped in grape leaves). They're still cooking, I hope they turn out okay.

At church I'm going to sing, "O Holy Night".

I made contact with my birth father's family, talked to my grandma and some of my aunts and Uncles. They say that I look a lot like my father, which is so strange to hear. I spend my life not looking like anyone in my family, then I find out I do look like someone whom I've never met. It's not bad, just really really strange. I also found some letters from when he was alive, and in one he wrote to my mother that he would take full responsibility for "his child". That would be me. They weren't married when she got pregnant, and I think they broke up shortly after. But he still wanted to take responsibility for me. My grandma, aunts and uncles all said that he was a really nice guy (my father). Soft-spoken, liked to help people.

I also found out that my Grandma is pretty cool. She's full-blooded German named Hannelore. She's 70, and she works full-time at Walmart on the night shift. I'm pretty impressed.

Tonight at church, I'm going to sing "Away in a Manger" too, accompanied by the auto-harp. It's the same song, same accompanying instrument and same accompanist as the last time I sang that song at church when I was 8 and my birth mother was still alive.

I've got lots of thoughts. Lots of different feelings. Trying to filter them all through the Truth of who God is and not become overwhelmed.

once upon a time in Georgia...

2008-12-23T04:45:00.000+04:00

Some pictures of me with Irma & David and Marina before I left. If you have no idea who I'm talking about or who these people are, you can ask me and I will gladly inform you. :-)

(Irma did my hair. Lovely!)

Aren't they cute?

paaaatience.

2008-12-21T19:21:00.000+04:00

You know what I realized (re-realized....took a moment from denying....) that I'm entirely NOT patient. Like, not at all. And that's a real problem for me.

Also, I struggle to trust: people, myself, and still (if you can believe it after the amazing things He continues to do in my life and in the lives of those around me)--God.

And I learned that I really shouldn't watch "Extreme Makeover- Home Edition" because it makes me cry.

But back to the serious stuff...

I can see though, that God has brought me a long way in both of those things. I remember back in the day with my friend Tawna (like when I was in high school and such) and we'd be having conversations about God and about knowing Him more and living out of that knowledge, and I was so impatient. I wanted to be in that perfect place of knowing Him NOW. I didn't want to go through any of the things that would cause me to grow into that place. I just wanted to be there in that very moment.

I'm grateful though that He either quenched or just eradicated some of that impatience and He's helped me to make it this far...and it's been quite a long road.

So, I'm trying to hold onto that past experience and knowledge and walk through these days with that in hand, heart and mind. I don't want to waste my life by always looking forward to what will be--and missing what's in front of me.

That rhymed, didn't it? Catchy.

SOOO... Lord, please help me.

In other news, it's snowing A LOT. Ginormous amounts. This is what the window in my room looks like:

But thankfully, we have those base board heater things, so I'm not freezing to death. Just my window.

Okay, I love you guys! Thanks for reading and being interested in what's-a-happening.

New Camera Fettish

2008-12-17T20:43:00.000+04:00

My brother's dog decapitated her toy cow.

Creepy chair covers (at night when I walk by them, they kind of scare me if I forget that they are there...)

My Mom has a Santa fettish.

Our family's stockings (note: "Toot" is my Mom's aunt who lives with us)

Little Christmas tree.

Big Christmas tree.

Snow + my dirty car (from driving on slushy freeways)