make your words alive

Oh. My. Goodness.

I feel like I've stepped into the Hall of Learning and I'm surrounded on all sides. I mean, I know we are always in the learning process (if we allow ourselves to be), but now I feel that there are an extraordinary amount of things to learn. So much to walk out. Live out. Speak out. Think out. Feel out. Words and thoughts and truth to be brought to life, to be manifest in my flesh.

I'm excited, anticipating the great journey it will be.

And equally afraid of failure.

"you are for me"

So faithful
So constant
So loving and so true
So powerful in all you do
You fill me
You see me
You know my every move
You love for me to sing to you

I know that you are for me
I know that you are for me
I know that you will never forsake me in my weakness
I know that you have come now
Even if to write upon my heart
To remind me who you are

So patient
So gracious
So merciful and true
So wonderful in all you do
You fill me
You see me
You know my every move
You love for me to sing to you

for the first time?

Life is so deep. I mean, when I don't think about it, I can just float through and not really realize the depth of things. But when I stop to think about it...

Like, I realized (quite a while ago, but the realization seems to come and go) that when I walk around and I semi-interact with hundreds (maybe even thousands) of people a day...in the metro, on the bus, at the bazaar, etc... I most of the time don't really give each of those people the full acknowledgment of their person-hood. I don't think about what kind of childhood they had, what talents they are gifted with, what kind of day they're going through at the moment, etc. I think mostly about their interaction with me... either they're in my way, or they're trying to sell me something overpriced, or they are kind and I appreciate them.

But when I think about my life for example, I feel that it's pretty complex and deep and important. I have an interesting past, and interesting life, I go through tons of emotions and experiences that I find to be very significant. .... And to realize that the people around me have the same weightiness to their lives... it for some reason really brings another depth of life that is quite unexplainable. And I don't even really know what to do with it. But it intrigues me.

The terrifying this is, I wonder if I'm just so proud -(thinking I'm a better person than the rest, or that me and what I have and think is more important) - that this is a common realization/understanding that every healthily humble person has and that I'm just now waking up to it...

... ?

in the meantime

We've moved! Now to get settled.

In the meantime, spending some time with street people/kids. Here's some pictures!

This is Bebo Luba (Grandma Luba)!

With one of the street girls new babies.

With more of the street kids, and Nato (who runs the center through which we work with the kids to teach them language, make crafts, and feed them)

beyond my complete understanding, yet shining truth

God's ways are unfathomable to me at times. Mysterious, mystifying, deep, profound.

And completely wonderful.

late night ramblings from my mobile phone

It's late, but I can't sleep. My mind is running around apartments, as I lay in a half-conscious state. I think the coffee I drank at 9pm affected me... though I hate to admit it. I'm from Washington state, the birthplace of Starbucks- and I'm losing my caffeine tolerance??! Unbelievable!

Well, here I try again... to sleep, that is.

Oh! We found an apartment by the way! It feels like a miracle. It's bigger, cheaper, nice landlord, contract signed, some money paid... move in by Friday. :-)

this is life

To be honest, I'm feeling a little down and discouraged. I know that it won't take much to come out of that-- pretty much I just have to chose to trust God and His proven ways-- but for some reason I find a bit of comfort in feeling down? Maybe I should stop. I don't think it's worth it to feel a little good with the cost of having a crappy attitude borne out of it.

Sooo... we've been on this apartment search. We found a really great apartment 2 days ago, and we were planning to meet today to make the "contract" (this could be a real contract, but probably just a verbal agreement and financial transaction). But when we called this morning to see when we should meet, they said that they changed their mind. They already pretty much promised us this apartment, but they changed their mind. *Shock*

So, we began our apartment search again. This is not so easy, especially since we're looking for an apartment that can house 4 girls and 2 kids. And we are in Georgia, so when an apartment is listed as having "3 rooms", that often means: a bedroom, a smaller bedroom and a living room. Or sometimes there is a decent apartment, but there is a problem with the neighbors (one apartment was pretty good, but the downstairs neighbors are pretty particular about noise, and we have 2 little kids running around...). And plus, the agent who's been helping us the most-- he's a really great businessman, but also pushy and talks a lot and it's hard to make a decision because he's talking the whole time you're trying to think, and then trying to convince you about things that you know won't work. The last apartment we saw today was big enough, and cheap enough.. but like totally not finished. Not even wall paper. No heater. No stove. Cracks in the windows.

So I'm tired.

We're supposed to be out of the apartment we're in now, by the 15th. Of course we won't be homeless. If we can't find a place in time, there are some places we could stay temporarily... but it's just exhausting moving here and there and I think it's pretty hard for the kids too.

So these are my current worries...

I really know that God is in control and that this is easy for Him. But I feel totally overwhelmed and confused. What to choose, what to sacrifice (more money or less comfort), and it's just really difficult. I understand the concept of not worrying, just giving it up to God and trusting Him because the situation is already pretty impossible for me to figure out on my own... but putting that concept into action?... I want to continue to try.

In the meantime, my mood is irritable and my reactions quick. So I'm managing that, trying to prevent as much relational damage as possible.

Aii, this is life.

on the search

Still on the apartment search... and going back and forth between being peaceful that things will work out and stressed out that there are too many decisions and changes. Today we looked at two apartments. Tomorrow we have 3 appointments to look at several apartments. Apartments apartments apartments. la la la

new song

listen here
great maker
creator
your hands are so warm
so gentle
you mold me
into my form

who am i to tell
you what to do
you know very well
yes you do

great patience
how lovely
you bring into life
your beauty
your imagination
they're deep in my lines

i'm excited now
you're almost through
i can live my purpose out
all for you

and you are the one
who breathed this life into me
and i am the clay
which you are molding
and i know there is
a purpose so deep
and i will find it
i will find it

great purpose
don't leave me
please use me
i'm ready

(WATERDEEP)

When the cold wind blows all around
Will you still love me?
still love me
When the cold wind blows all around
Will you still love me?

When the lightning crashes
Hopes are dashed and I
Am asking how this comes to me
and why

When no home on Earth can be found
Will you still love me?
still love me
When no home on Earth can be found
Will you still love me?

When you left us last time
You said You’d return
And I’m sorry that it
takes so long to learn

That my hope is to walk forever
in the coolness of the day
Oh my hope is to walk forever
in the coolness of the day

When the cold wind blows all around
You will still love me
still love me
When the cold wind blows all around
You will still love me

transitions

Sometimes I feel that my brain is too small to fit and comprehend all of my experiences.

I'm looking at pictures of my time in Holland and it's difficult for me to comprehend that I was there. I'm not going crazy or anything, but I'm just switching back and forth from so many different "lives" and I'm just one Jenni. Eh.

I just now unpacked my suitcase from Holland. I took all the things that were left and dumped them on the floor. The suitcase is empty. The floor is semi-full. And now I begin the process of organizing.. BUT, I cannot settle. I can't just unpack everything and make my room mine. Because we have to move to an unknown apartment by the 15th of this month. So I'm unpacking to pack? Or maybe unpacking is not the right term. Maybe just rearranging my luggage. Ha!

How do I feel about all of this? I really don't know.

I just got a phone call from one of my street grandmas! It was so sweet! Oh Lord. There are so many people to love. I feel so small, but I want to do so much. Sometimes it's really overwhelming. My life feels too big for me. But is that even possible?

Well, another year gone by. It's funny though how December 31st and January 1st feel the same. I cynically am wondering how this new year is really new... maybe I'm just put-off by all the hype. I mean, technically every day is a new day too. It's a cycle cycling. A year is another cycle that continues too. So maybe we should start celebrating "happy new day"! People seem to get really positive, motivated, reflective & thoughtful, re-focused and maybe even humbled around New Years. Imagine if we celebrated every new day. Maybe we'd be happier. Maybe our resolutions would be more tangible. Instead of "I want to be nice to every person I meet this whole year"...we could have "I want to be nice to every person I meet today"... that sounds much more attainable. Breaking things into smaller pieces. Step by step. Hmm. I'm beginning to feel thoughtful and reflective myself.